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Move on completely. It’s understandable that you will go through the emotions. Anger, disappointment, wondering what went wrong etc. The point is, it’s all in the past and became a cold hard fact that you cannot change. And your perception of ex and vice versa is same. Obviously you will not forget that she existed. You will remember the good times you shared now and then. But direct contact or any other sort of communication (which includes checking up on her on social media) should come much after you have healed and feel that you completely moved on. And it will not take just a couple of months. 2 years is the minimum time for those emotions to subside and wither away. After that time, you can reach out to her and see what’s up. There will be no feelings, but you will treat her as an acquaintance. Of course these are all on your terms. If you want to do it, you can. If you don’t think it is necessary, then you don’t.
I recommend you to read this: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/
It’s therapeutic and will help you maintain your focus.
Thanks for your analysis. I guess I reached to that same conclusion soon after the breakup. Yet, I’d developed so much compassion for her and wanted to help her. You probably know what I mean. It was beyond love. Like a mother putting her children before herself all the time.
You are right. Only she can help herself and she’d better realize it sooner rather than later. Nothing is forever in this world, and our time is very limited. I know myself I wasted 5 months of my life on this ordeal, and just picking up myself from the floor. I know I’m not ready for relationship yet until I prove to myself I can make her just a distant memory. But it will happen, and I’m not afraid or guilty of that. If and when she heals and beats the demons in her head, it would be nice to get back in touch again – this time as willing friends. Until that time, wish myself and her all the best.
Not sure if you really want to know or just correlate to your own situation, but I’ll briefly mention it.
There were a lot of communication issues from both sides. I’d say mostly her as she piled up these problems inside and erupted like a volcano before and aftermath of the breakup instead of talking through it. My temper also got the best of me as I was tired of arguing for hours and hours, and they got frequent towards the end. Other than that, there was nothing to be frank unless she thinks there is, which I don’t really care anymore. I know I was civil, and logical in my arguments. But whenever we had some discussion, she always expected me to lose. Like literally she would say, “Always lose, I’ll make it up to you twice later.” How messed up is that? Yet, I caved in and tolerated / apologized every single time which led to deterioration of the breakup and my own self confidence & self respect.
Lol @Steve. Look at the bright side. You didn’t spend any money on a meaningless day created by popular culture!
I met my friends, made cookies and cupcakes and shared them with the people in my workplace. They liked them, which added to my joy. There will come a day I will also enjoy these days with my other half, and maybe make these cookies for her but until then why should I stop making cookies, right?
Do not answer. Ignore her. If her attempts start to bother you, block her or send a firm message saying you need space. No discussion about it.
If she wants reconciliation, she will come with that purpose. Any other contact is just her attempt to get attention from you.
You already know what you gotta do. Gather your courage and just do it. Block her on twitter and any other social media accounts that you know she’s on. Whatever you may see there will only mess with your head. It is no good for you.
Believe me. If your ex wants you back, she will contact you with that purpose. So there is no point in keeping tabs on her. It will only set your progress back. Counting those NC days will be meaningless as NC isn’t about your ex, it’s about your mental health and metaphorically your independence war against your ex.
NC is for your own healing. If your ex has even a slightest idea of reconciliation, she will reach you out. Otherwise, you really have no control over her decision making.
The breakup will of course hurt, the pain of rejection associated with breakup mirrors of a physical pain. Only time and your effort will make you move forward, that is why you need to stick with NC. Be pro-active in your life, don’t just sit around and think about what your ex may be doing all day long (no stalking either).
Thanks for your input. I really don’t intend to reach out to her at all actually. The ship that is called “Compassion” has long sailed. There were days I’d constantly search recruitment sessions by companies on internet, and think about her and the stress she’s having as she went through these but of course she probably thought I was one indifferent bloke that didn’t care about her. All I wanted in post-NC process was a friendly environment and she wasn’t even into that. 10 years from now, maybe she will remember she dated this guy and realize he was actually too nice to her. Clock still ticks, my heart still beats. That’s the wrap-up.
Have the talk but I don’t know about diamond earrings. It is a bit much for FWB status, don’t you think?
Anyway, you ought to control yourself. Of course sex is great, but where is self respect? She takes you for granted, and you are also taking her for granted a bit here but she holds the strings now. She broke up with you instead of communicating the problems, held on to that decision but it’s the situation where she wants have her cake and eat it too. Two weeks have already passed from what I understand in FWB, and where is the reconcilation talk? How long will this continue? You are doing much more than just being friends. Those are all couple activities, she cannot detach the emotional ties she had with you.
Have the talk, be sincere with her. Tell her that you know where the problem was in your previous relationship, and you want to make this right. Tell her that you would like to reconcile and define this relationship between you two, as you don’t want to be strung along this path going nowhere. If she says she is comfortable with just being friends, then walk away. Willingness to walk away is also attractive per Relationship Rewind.
Do it before the Valentine’s day.
Not sure what this falls under lol. It surely isn’t Death’s Door. And I wouldn’t label this as Drift too.
You gotta have one long talk with her again, and list what you expect from this relationship between you two. And if she doesn’t accept that, walk away. Don’t even hesitate. It will be as if you broke up with her. And start the NC immediately after. This time stick with it, and do date with other girls. You are free to do whatever you want. If she wants you back, and serious with relationship she will come around. Otherwise, what will you lose honestly? 3 years of yours was also 3 yours of her. If she doesn’t care as much as you do, maybe she wasn’t going to be a prime candidate for your future wife as you were thinking serious.
LAbound, if you are on that mindset, then I recommend you do what you want to do without ANY contact. Stalking her media accounts, talking to her for hours and listening to her plead will only make her hook you up while she is gonna do whatever she wants in the end. And your mental health will suffer going through it again.
Stick with a long NC. And don’t cave in. You can do it.
If you see yourself with this girl in future – in any form – then you should stop this act in 2-3 weeks. That’s plenty of time. Otherwise, you are trusting her word again and taking her for granted. When she says she is not gonna date again, she is just being desperate and chasing you. 4 months from now or even any sooner all that will be forgotten. It will take a split second for her to change her mind when she sees this one person. And, you, who is building up all that pressure on yourself to meet her in 4 months will be left with wounds. It will be same thing all over again.
If you want to do therapy and want her to be involved, then you can do it together. Until that time, go for absolute NC and let her know the duration so that she can at least look forward to it and do her best in mean time instead of looking around. Believe me, it will have a great impact. It won’t be as sincere, but the change you are expecting will not happen even 4 months from now, however her willingness to communicate is the key here. And you’d better reward it sooner rather than waiting to do it later.
Thanks man, I appreciate it.
There will not be any change as far as my life is concerned. I will continue from where I left off, i.e. improving myself and looking ahead. It feels good to know everything is under your control.
A bit of update:
I realized I was being drawn into her new relationship, and slightly becoming obsessed about it so I decided to cut the source once and for all.
On saturday I took an action. Unfollowed her on instagram. Left the chat which dated back to since we met (once you leave, you lose all the texts, pics in it so basically no documented memories to hold on to), got rid of whatever reminded me of her on my phone and PC, and hid (but not block) her profile on messaging app.
Once she was playing these mind games at the beginning, I feared it would ruin the peace of mind I achieved ever since NC happened. And she indeed managed to put a crack on my shell. Here I was having vacation and seeing my family after one and a half year, and I was diving into these thoughts and checking her profile now and then. It had to stop.
Jan 31 is the start of real NC. No more her, only me.
LAbound, your letter was amazing.
…and her letter was desperate!
You are right. You have to take this slow, and she needs to understand it. Whatever happens between you two, or may happen, will not be a 2nd round. It will be a new relationship. She needs to heal from all that shit happened, and reflect on herself. Whether you both move on or get together down the road will be the final answer to all of this.
An indefinite NC sounds right. I think you will know when to initiate conversation with her again, when she stops being needy, clingy. (Oh boy, does it sound delicious when you hear this for the other party?) She has growing up to do, and she can accomplish it only by herself. I wish the best for both of you.
