Hi,
My boyfriend and I were together for a year and six months and we just broke up yesterday. He’s 25 and I’m about to be 23 in August abd he’s graduating next week and I’ve been in and out of college. I was generally happy and he’s a great person but I couldn’t help but feel he was just emotionally unavailable. I am a person that feeds on emotion and emotional closeness. He is very quiet and reserved and as a result of his father leaving him and his family in high school and other experiences he’s had he’s admitted he’s more closed off emotionally. I felt like he didn’t often put effort into getting to know me on a deeper level and this was much of the course of our relationship. He would try little things but I felt like unless I tried to talk about subjects with deeper meaning or explicitly told him like “hey you don’t really know much about me don’t you want to?”, there was not much effort on his side to do so. I have brought It up before the breakup a few times. He told me he was very happy with me and how things were. But we both suffer from depression and anxiety and he was going through a lot of transitions with college and work and I honestly didn’t and don’t have a lot going on so I was able to put a lot of my focus on him and I truthfully wasn’t focusing on myself. I don’t completely blame him as sometimes I wasn’t very open with him because I began to feel he didn’t want to know me and I felt there was no use in opening up if he didn’t care. I was always scared of caring about him more than he did for me. But I couldn’t help but feel selfish after we broke up. I didn’t want to do it I just wanted us to be better together. I wanted to see if things would change but didn’t want to force it and I know I can’t make him feel for me the way I want him to. I care for him very deeply and feel like maybe I love him I’m still kind of confused with my feelings for him. I don’t think we both ever got to the point of loving one another. We’ve never said it to each other. He was a good boyfriend and we had a pretty healthy relationship. I was always happy to see him even when I was upset at him he could easily make me smile and I would feel great about our relationship for a while but ultimately I couldn’t get past feeling like we didn’t have true substance or depth to our relationship when we weren’t together. Deep down I still want it to work with him. I just don’t want to be with anyone else and I really want it to work with him. Neither of us really wanted to break up but we just didn’t know how to fix our problem or if it could be fixed. We both agreed that it wasn’t the end and that maybe some time down the road we could try again but I’m just scared I’m never gonna have that chance with him again. Like is it even possible for him to feel differently about me if our only problem was lack of connection and closeness? And if I try the no contact will 30 days be enough time for some kind of difference since we both are so young and are still trying to figure life out? It was if everything was perfect in almost every other part of our relationship except that we just lacked closeness. I feel like if we had the closeness we’d still be together. And when we broke up it was as if that was the closest I ever felt with him he even cried something I never thought he could do considering I felt he didn’t have deep feelings for me. I just don’t know if I should walk away completely or if we stand a chance of making it work again? Do you think we can find a common ground after a break or should we just call it quits?
Wow first of all, high five! I am also encountering the same situation. My ex’s father left him when he was a kid & he has a big frustration when it comes to relationship. He is a quiet one and never open up to me his about his life either. I also feel that sometimes he is the wrong guy for me. Sadly I cannot give you much suggestion. But I’m following Kevin’s steps. I’m in the stage of no contact period. I don’t know things will work out or not but let’s see how it goes. Maybe we do this together & let’s update the status of each other. Lol.
High five back! Lol yeah it’s hard because I know that if he were to allow himself to open up we’d have a chance but you are right, I just have to re-adjust my focus and follow the 5 steps. And I totally agree we should definitely update one another lol it might help being that we have a similar situation
Yay! Nice to know you here. So I guess you are in NC as well? Have you just started or which day are you in? I listed down good & bad things about dating him. It helps me to decide whether he’s worth one more try. I want to have a relationship with him back but I want a better version of it (like an upgrade!) Even though NC is generally last up to 30 days, I broke it a couple of times & restart again. Mayb having a break is a good thing, if you ever get him back, you will get a better relationship than before as you know how to improve it this time. If you don’t get him back, it isn’t not meant to be then. At least better than continuing the relationship with doubts without taking a break.
Yes I’m in Day 1 of no contact. I feel like even in such a short span of time I have gotten to talk with friends and get different perspectives and I feel like at this point I know I want to try again but I know I have to give him time but he’s also leaving for a month for military training and I think I want to reach out to him before he leaves and start no contact again. Idk what to do lol I kind of want to do what you did and text him and then start it again haha. I also took your advice and did a pros and cons list the list of pros was twice as long but some of the cons were kind of heavy so in a way they even each other out. Do you feel as though you are able to over look the cons or at least say ok the cons are quite heavy but they are things we can work on in your situation?
Actually him leaving a month for military training is a good thing. I guess he will change for the better when he’s back. I suggest only try to contact him when he’s back. Yes there are a lot of heavy cons when I listed them down. What I can anticipate is to work on it if we ever get back together. But don’t let your ex knows that your plans yet until things are clear. In my case, my ex is stubborn. It’s a bit challenging to follow up all steps & suceed. I hope NC will helps. Even if NC couldn’t bring him bak, at least it will help me to find inner peace to move on.
Yeah you have a good point there. It’s important to use this time to focus on yourself and improve yourself so even if you don’t get back together you can still be happy and see positive change in yourself. Ironically sometimes it takes spending time apart and the thought of losing someone to make you appreciate what you have I think he’ll realize that. And if not like you said you can have peace. I decided to do the 30 days of grace challenge. I’m only on day two but it does give me a lot of inspiration to stick to my plans. Maybe you should try it. It may help you clear your head in the NC period
The challenge is not easy. Especially when we are still friends on Facebook. He keep posting his activities. & He keep sending his pictures in group chat. (Yes we have group chat with common friends. I tried to leave the group but other friends complained. So I stay there. Silently without replaying anything) I think he is trying to get into my head. It’s partially working. So I decided to keep myself away from Facebook by spending more times on forums. So here I met you. How’s your status going?
Hi I kind of messed up and texted him Tuesday night but he still hasn’t responded so I think it’s pretty much over. I was really mean to him before we broke up and said hurtful things. I’ve been really upset with myself the past couple of days and I don’t know if I’m gonna start NC again or just give up. I think I’m just going to let it go at this point. I know he’s still mad and needs time but if he really wanted to be with me he’d have reached out by now
Hi guys,
I hope you dont mind me joining your conversations. All i want to say is, dont give up. Restart the NC period for 30, or even 60 days if you have to! Some guys take longer than others to realise what they’ve lost 
ive just come from a breakup from my fiancee yesterday, i’d been with him for 4 years and out of the blue yesterday, he told me he couldnt be with me anymore and told me to pack my bags and leave. Knowing in that split second that you’ve just lost your whole world there and then…and for what? In my case, it was because I have been suffering from depression for a while now, and too many things that caused me to constantly stress took its toll on our relationship because of my bad attitude. He gave me chance after chance but I just didnt listen. And now im paying the price…but im not gonna give up. Ive only just completed my 2nd day of NC and know that ive still got a long way to go, but if somethings worth fighting for youll stick to it. So please, dont give up 
have faith in getting him back. I know all too well how easy it is to assume that he’s not interested, thats all ive thought about today. But whos to say he’s not feeling just as lost and sad? I really hope that you dont lose faith! Just as I will not lose faith either
Hi,
Thanks for joining our conversation! I think we all have to go through NC whether we want our ex back or not. Cuz is the only cure for healing a broken heart. Yes NC is very hard but what I learned is that even after NC, there will be a period of time that you need to work on for “re-attraction”. That part is kinda scary & challenging. My NC gonna over soon and still freaking out what to do.
Hi Emma,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through that. I know it’s a lot and it’s hard to keep faith in these moments and it’s easier said than done but that hurt energy will be out to good use when you’re able to reflect on everything. Ive been in NC for almost a week now. I’ve thought about everything good and bad. I did want to ask you guys though. One thing that makes me hesitant to try again is the fact that he was really close with his female friend. They knew each other before I came along. But they’re too close for my liking. When we dated before I even met her she added me on Facebook and Instagram which was a little fishy to me. I met her once and didn’t really like her. He claims they dated for a few weeks in high school but it didn’t work out and they’re just friends now but he didn’t tell me that until I asked him a day before I met her. One night when we were dating he was hanging out with her(ok fine) but they started drinking and it got late (me and my boyfriend didn’t live together) I asked him when he was coming home and he claimed he was too drunk to drive and her house cat kept trying to scratch and attack him. She of course was drunk out of her mind and was throwing up BUT she has more than one roomate and she is 26 years old at her own apartment. He stays over holding her hair back while she vomits and puts her into bed and he thinks this was ok because they are platonic and he doesn’t have feelings for her. It made me so angry that he would do that because it felt disrespectful. I don’t think in a relationship you should put yourself in a situation like that. Even though he was honest I feel like that NEVER should have happened no matter how long they’ve known each other it was ok before we were dating but when we started dating that should have stopped. I don’t trust this girl and quite frankly I don’t like her because she as a woman should have also known better. I just don’t know if I can see him again knowing that still bothers me. What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? Was he wrong? Or do you think this is something we can work past?
I think that girl won’t be a problem though. Because I feel that worse come to worse if he ever hook up with her, it won’t be a Long lasting though. In fact he already chose you over her. However yes girls sense something if the other girl is not totally honest. But I believe you will win over. Just be careful in your mind but don’t show your concern & try to be cool in front of them. Just 3 more weeks to go, hang in there!
Yeah I think for my situation it’s gonna take longer than a month. I get what you’re saying but I’ve brought this up to him before and if he honestly has any wish to get back together I feel like he should know better than to hook up with her even if we aren’t together. That’s just something I would not do to him or anyone for that matter. I feel like if he does hook up with her I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore.