Words and Actions dont match

reconciliation
1

Hi

Any help would be very much welcome.

I was dating a girl for 5 months, from the start she said she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone as she needs to work on her own issues.

It started as friends with fun, but as time went on feelings grew and we spent every other night together, lots of affection, went on holiday together.

Sometimes she would get very close and be romantic, then sometimes she would go cold.

She said she’s just not ready for anything with anyone. The reason I am writing this is, because her actions and her words don’t match.
She says she doesn’t want a relationship, but all that she does acts like she is in one with me.

When on holiday we had a row, and I ended it, she cried so hard, and said it’s going to be weird not having me in her life and makes her feel so sad.

We made up and then after holiday we rowed again and now she has ended it.

It left quite messy and she said she if fed up of all the rows, she said it shouldn’t be this stressful. She said she could be friends with me as her feelings are not strong for me (which is rubbish as her actions didn’t show this, she treated me like a GF)

Last night over a text, I asked her if she wants a few weeks space, no contact etc to have a think she said no ‘I have made up my mind’ just want friends nothing more ever.

I said if I am not worth some space to think then I am gone for good.

I woke to a text this morning saying I will have some space and think.

Thoughts please? Will she come back just wanting friends or for it to be how it was?

2

@Lou84 - Most often when people say they don’t want a relationship, they mean it. People can date and have good times together without being in a committed relationship. Too many arguments will destroy a relationship! You didn’t mention what these arguments were about, but if the same reason for them continued to arise, it means one or both of you haven’t dealt with it properly. She needs space now so don’t contact her for at least a month and think about ways to improve whatever part you had in the breakup. She might come back as a friend or more, only time will tell…

3

We rowed cos she used to change the goal posts alot and put rules on the relationship.
Her words said one thing but her actions said another. We spent all our time together.
She emailed me 10 mins ago to say I’ll contact you in 2 weeks to see if my mind had changed or not. As in just want friends or more.
What you feel she will do

4

@Lou84, i think one very important thing @patricia12 has pointed out is that right now focus on what is it that keeps bothering the two of you and you work on your part while give her time to sort it out on her side.

If i have to elaborate her point in a logical way it would be something like this:

  • Currently your ex doesnt want to be with you cos of a certain recent sour event.
  • Being in touch with you right now is only going to make her remember the most recent eventful interaction which is the fight.
  • Also understand, it was a 5 month relation and she was in another relation before this (1.5yrs back so you’re not a rebound most likely) so she might be making comparisons in her head and will need time to sort it out herself.
  • If you USE these 2 weeks to improve yourself and get some confidence back in your self to provide happiness to yourself without being dependent on anyone else then it’ll help you also to have an equal say at the table of discussion after two weeks. She’ll notice the changed you and this might change her opinion to something positive.

I believe you have posted this same issue on another thread too.
Please stop wondering what decision she is going to take. If you trust yourself to improve then be rest assured everything else will fall in place. If you say her actions were different from her words then am not understanding how do you plan to make her realize this? Fights and arguments didnt work clearly. Pleading didnt work. So whats more that you got? People realize either from their own mistakes or from someone else’s. You cannot convince them when to realize it.

Use these two weeks to calm your nerves, improve your emotional stability, get back on the social scene with friends and family, enjoy the holidays.

5

Sorry yes I didn’t realise my other post posted thought it got declined.

What was bothering us both I feel is she one min all over me the next cold and that made me quiz us, which then lead to rows. I wouldn’t even say rows more heated discussions.

I know I can’t convince her to realise anything. She has to do this herself. She said to me once the thing she feels is stopping her move forward with me is fear and not ready

6

Please dont apologize for the other thread, it can sometimes get confusing even if you’re creating a thread so its ok :slight_smile:

Partner acting hot and cold can be very annoying but this is the time when you have to look for the reason behind this behavior. If she is fearful of something then all you can do is be there for her while she deals with her fears. It is not an easy thing to do but no relation comes on a bed of roses. The only thing which makes it easy is that you love this person. So let that love rule the emotion and not your anxiety/ fear/ irritability in this situation. Every relation needs one of the partners at times to understand that the situation can be diffused by keeping quite. Constant fights mean none of them get it. AM not saying it not normal to fight. It is normal. But more important how you approach the reason behind the fight and try to sort it out is more important.

Just give her the space she needs right now and try to become a cheerful person so when she comes back for a dialogue she doesnt see the old you but a new, evolved you and it will encourage her to give the relation another shot. Right now you’re being needy and you need to shake off this attitude real quick if you want to attract her again to you. Put yourself in her situation and then think would you like to come back to someone acting needy?

7

Thanks for all your replies.

@amcee So what I am trying to understand is why did she say on Wednesday night that, I can be friends with you nothing else at all just a friendship. When I asked her to go away and have a think if she wants to continue the relationship we had, she says no, her mind is made up and this has happened to many times.

Then the next morning she texts me and says I will have two weeks space and a think.

Is she just saying this because she knows she would lose me for good and just hoping I will turn round and be friends only?

She sent me a few emails yesterday saying what have I said to my friends about her, as she texted one of my friends and he didn’t reply.

8

@lou84, she is definitely confused but is putting up a strong face. Give her the space and you should learn to be cool when she contacts you. Try hard NOT TO talk emotional stuff, or to make her jealous. Let her know you respect whatever decision she takes. If you guys didnt have any problems of dishonesty, cheating, abuse then it should not be difficult to get back but if any of the above is a cause then it’ll take longer.

It should work!
Have told a lot of people to use the NC period to do some self improvement. You seem to be mature for your age and I really hope you take this time to do the right things for you :slight_smile:

Use this time to do some self-reflection and figure out what was REALLY wrong cos of which the relation took a wrong turn. This can ONLY happen once you stop blaming yourself and her. You have to become objective while analysing this. Google some exercises to learn how to become objective. I have posted in one thread over here too. Just sit in a corner in the house, close your eyes, listen to everything around you but DO NOT have any thoughts regarding those sounds. Example, why is mom shouting, who is playing the radio so loud, did a plate fall, which bird is singing, why is the dog barking, etc. Just learn to be a passive observer. This will surely help you get up real soon!

Good luck!

9

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
So from what I said you feel she is confused?
No there was nothing like that, more her going hot and cold, and then me overthinking and quizzing if she’s happy or not. That was all.

10

@amcee I owe her some money and wanted to pay it off, she sent this email thoughts please??

‘Why where you going to give me £50 if you forgot taxi. That would have been way too much lol

I will contact you in a couple of weeks. But you have to give me this space’

Then I said I am sorry I said things in the heat of the moment, I said I wish I never met her, and she used me and sorry if she hates me.

She replied this

‘I don’t hate you. But certain things said weren’t the nicest of things. Anyway…I’m not going to reply to anything else you send. Until I get in touch in a couple of weeks’

11

Sorry I meant the last row we had on Wed I said I wish I never met her, and she used me and sorry if she hates me.

12

If you owe her money then you can transfer it online. If it is not possible then meet her at a public place and hand it over and leave. Do not try to engage in any emotional personal conversations.

13

I am going to transfer online
Why do you feel she’s happy to have space and think even tho when we has a fight she’s didn’t want space to think

14

She wants space cos she was not happy with you in the last fight when you guys broke up. It makes her feel less stressed and when someone is less stressed they start to breathe freely and thus feel a little bit more happy.

If you really love her then you should be happy if she feels happy. In whichever state that may be, with or without you. Giving space doesnt mean she’ll leave you. She’ll be sorting things in her own head.

15

@amcee thank you again for taking your time to help me. Yes will give her space now and have delted her of social media too so she can’t see what I’m up to etc

The last fight we had I said I wish we never met and she used me. She mentioned this yesterday that those things I said wasn’t very nice . I guess that’s bothering her right now?

16

You should not delete her off social media, block or anything of that sort. It shows you are not able to handle the break up. It shows you are angry. It does not show maturity.

Please remain calm during this time. Try meditating. Play a sport. Get tired, Rest. Enjoy sleep. She is hurt right now and if you wish to make it worse then keep doing things to attract attention but if you wish things to get better then DO NOT try to grab her attention right now.

Let her cool down on her own in a couple of weeks. You can also work on improving yourself till then.

Good luck!

17

@amcee Oh I delted her of social media the day of the argument haven’t blocked her just delted

Do you think she’s hurt?

She did say I’m really sad that I don’t want to be friends I said no I dint want just friends I want it as it was

So that’s why she’s gone away to think. She knows of she comes back and just want friends only she’s lost me for good

18

It is okay, sometimes we do things in anger on social media. Its not too much damage but try to doing so again in the future. Also, dont say words like now or never. They might take it negatively and wouldnt mind losing a person who instead of showing emotional support gives ultimatums.

Whether you want her as a friend or not is your personal choice but giving such ultimatums can only work temporary, if at all.

19

@amcee Yeah I wasn’t trying to give her that more so telling her what I want as us just to continue or if she just wants friends that isn’t for me

So she said she’ll go and have a think for a few days and if her mind changes she’ll be in touch.

20

@amcee this is odd me and the girl are not friends on fb. I delted her so can’t see what she’s up to and vice versa.

Anyway we meet this lovely couple a few months ago and said we would all meet up again.

I went on fb today and out the blue the lady we met put up pics from that night out and said how wonderful it was to meet us both and are we both free new years eve for lunch as they are over in london.

My ex date replied saying this feels like a long time ago this night out and I replied yes I am free let’s catch up soon.

I hope the my ex doesn’t think I set this up or annoyed for me replying to our friend.

I just found it quite odd too. The mutual friend said she was going through phone and found pics. She doesn’t actuallu know we have split up