Hello and thanks in advance for any help,
I am 45 and married to my wife, who is 40, for the last 16 years. We have a daughter together who is 12.
For both this was a second marriage, and really a great love affair throughout. We are the kind of couple that holds hands everywhere and kisses for no reason.
Our problems started when a year ago my wife confessed she started smoking. I guess I reacted badly to this and over the year had 5-6 fights with her, mostly on weekends when she was unable to smoke. The climax was one night two months ago, we were at a friend’s house and we had a fight there when she decided to smoke in front of me. I ended up leaving and walking home.
A week ago, we had a similar fight when she got angry because she could not smoke and started screaming. She ended up sleeping in our daughters room and the next day she picked all her clothes and moved to another place. I ended up sending her 100 texts and countless calls until I came across the No Contact Rule.
My daughter and I are still together - actually my daughter refused to talk to her because she cannot understand her mother’s decision and because she feels safer in the house with me. I also think she believes by not contacting her mother she might force her to realise she is making a big mistake.
I am heartbroken all week. She is my everything, the one and only love of my life. I have been in no contact with her for 4 days now and I am wondering how the NC theory applies in a situation similar to mine and in relation to our daughter.
We had previously planned our holidays abroad to start in about 10 days and now I am preparing myself to go alone with my daughter. I really love my wife and I am sure she loves me also. I think I underestimated the power of nicotine and led my marriage to come to this.
Any advise on how to react if she contacts me, I dont want to play games with her being my beloved wife and mother of my child.’
Hi Forever, Smoking is a bad habit, but it’s not worth throwing away a good marriage. And I’m shocked she would leave you and your daughter over it, but angry arguments aren’t the way to solve any situation! I’m not sure no contact applies in your situation and don’t ignore her if she contacts you. I know you don’t want her to smoke mostly due to health reasons, and there’s a possibility she would quit on her own or with the help of patches or something. But if she wants to continue to smoke, why can’t you compromise? She could smoke outside or in a different room in the house that has ventilation; anything as long as she’s not smoking directly in front of you or your daughter. Try to resolve this before the vacation as I’m sure all of you would rather enjoy the vacation together!
Thank you Patricia12, the truth is the 5-6 fights we had over the last year have hardened her heart (I hope temporarily) she moved into a flat and she says she will never be back. I know words are just words and my approach is to not push her. I wrote her a letter where I literally put my heart on a plate and took all the blame and told her I should support her no matter what. But she is not making any contact yet.
Our daughter is with me and really my only support as I don’t want anyone to know this is happening at least until there is no hope.
We are going on holiday on Friday and she made it clear she is not coming. I keep praying and hoping this great love will not end because of something so stupid. I know she loves me, maybe not now, but deep inside yes
I’m glad you wrote the letter and it will always be there for her to review and think about. Wondering if you mentioned the smoking or other issues you might have been having. She’s obviously very upset about something. Over time she will calm down and hopefully you can discuss together, what went wrong in the marriage and how to fix it by both making compromises or improvements where needed to make the marriage happier for both of you. Your daughter would also be happier if you two are getting along well. No contact is the way to go for now to give her time to think and consider coming back to you…
I’m sorry to hear your wife won’t be going on holiday with you and your daughter, but surely it will still be a nice time. Be safe and have fun:)
I did mention smoking and how I would change everything if I had a chance. I take strength from what you think about my letter and that it might work eventually after she calms down.
At the moment I know I have to stay away and give her the chance to miss me and think about our marriage as days go by. I just hope this doesn’t take months because it’s killing me.
Do you think I should wait for her to contact me or should I do that when we return from holiday or even later?
Maybe contact her after you get back from holiday to ask how she is and send some pictures of the holiday, especially the ones with your daughter in them. I know you’re all hurting. I pray she comes back to join the family and that all of you will be happy again.
How long will you be gone on holiday?
We are going On Friday coming back next Sunday. Today she started texting me but mostly it’s harsh words, expressing her anger. I feel somehow better because now at least we are communicating. We were texting for like an hour back and forth. I only told her nice things.
I keep telling her how much I love her and need her. She made clear to me that she is not coming on the holiday, I asked her to meet me for 15 minutes just to talk and her reply was “I don’t feel like to meet you” I found this a bit encouraging to be honest.
I cannot decide whether to now go full NC or if I should send her a small “I miss you” every day, or a goodnight, goodmorning. What do you think?
Hi Forever, Glad to hear she started texting even though her words were harsh. You did the right thing by only writing nice things. From the content of letter and the texts, she knows how you feel, but apparently needs more time to digest it. Don’t ask to meet her (again) because she knows that too … that you want to see her and talk. Let her be the one who requests to see you and your daughter.
Don’t contact her again until after you return from your trip. Then send a note and some pictures. After that, send I miss you ~ we miss you ~ goodnight ~ good morning. Mix it up and maybe don’t send everyday, but every couple of days or so…
Thank you so much, you must be a wonderful person. I will take your advice because you being a woman understand her better than I do now. I will contact her when I come back and send her the pictures. I will ask my daughter to call her in the meantime to make sure she is ok, because my other problem is I worry too.
Hi Forever, How is everything going? Have you heard from her yet?
Hello Patricia,
We are still abroad and she is texting our daughter morning and night.
Actually there is no contact at all towards me. My daughter made a story up to try and make her jealous and she started asking all these questions but other than that nothing.
We are back on Sunday and I will stay NC because as the days go by I really feel betrayed. I love her totally but have decided I will not try again because every time I get hurt and regress. If she wants to be with me she will know what to do.
I am losing faith and as I have not shared this with anyone I have to pull through this alone.
I really hope God shows her the way
She is confused and probably is getting bad advice from her girlfriends.
Thank you for caring, it means a lot
Last contact with her was 6 days ago
I can’t imagine all this being over cigarettes. Is there a possibility she could be doing drugs or drinking too much? I hope the made up story jealousy thing doesn’t backfire! Don’t you have family you could talk with? This is a very difficult thing to go through alone. Family can be very understanding and supportive…
Prayer can sometimes work miracles and I too will pray for your family.
No drugs or alcohol, she is not like that. And 100% no other man. It’s not about the cigarettes but for the fighting over that. She is a bit hard headed and at least 2 times we had a big stressful fight.
She is having a tough couple of years trying to do her ACCA, work and be a wife at the same time. I think I drowned her with my pressure although I was only doing it for what I perceived as her own good.
I know now I should be more supportive, that’s part of what I wrote in the letter.
Until I lose all hope I prefer to keep it to myself.
I set a date which is the 17/9 which is our daughters birthday as my own timeline for shifting towards healing and moving on. Its another month + of suffering but our family deserves a chance. Also 17/9 will be almost 50 days no contact and two months from separation.
Before that there are a few dates which are important. 6/9 she is taking an exam she failed twice and 9/9 our daughter is going back to school. So I think given her exams and the stress I need to wait.
I hope we don’t go there and that she will contact me next week when she knows I am home. For sure though I have enough love to wait for her until then and maybe longer.
She sent a photo through messenger to my daughter and I can see she is as sad as I am. She can disguise her emotions during texts but there is no lying there. I know her too well.
Thank you for praying for my family. I think the more we are the stronger are the chances.
Hi Forever, What is ACCA work? Anything new the past 11 days?
Hello Patricia,
acca is an accounting qualification. She has her Exams soon.
Well, no real progress other than I persuaded my daughter to start spending time with her mother. She will be spading 3 days with each of us. I don’t like this but I did it for two reasons. A, she is a decent woman and I don’t want her to have a bad relationship with her daughter and B, I think the fact that she was not seeing her made her think I had something to do with it which really stopped any potential progress.
We have been talking sometimes but every time it ends negatively as she goes back to telling me that I was pressing her and not supporting her and that she does not believe I can change.
So I am now in very limited contact hoping that she will stop being angry after sometime and reach out. I was told that it might take time but that the reason we separated leaves hope because of the traction of our years together as well as the fact that we have a baby.
A baby? Isn’t your daughter almost 13 years old? Or are you referring to her as your baby? That’s great that your daughter is spending some time with her mother! Your plan seems like a reasonable one. The projected deadlines that is about next month when the pressure of exams will be off your ex. And I wish her good luck:) Sorry to hear things haven’t moved along as you had hoped for and she absolutely sounds full of anger and many resentments at this time. She must have been very hurt by all the arguments over the past years. I pray you’re doing your best to try and change your thinking, attitude, ways to interact better, and about how to make her happy if you get back together.
Yes, she is 12 and our baby.
She needs more time Patricia. Her best friend who now lives abroad found out what happened and contacted me. She is also Godmother of our daughter. She told me that my wife said she needs time to think.
I am giving her the time and I am sure God will give us a chance. In the meantime, I do exactly as you say. Preparing the better version of me for when she does. I now see it was not about the smoking. It was about me not supporting her and not listening to her problems at work and relaxing her insecurities. Now I see. I did a lot of reading last 44 days and I know what i need to do. I also pray a lot and have come closer to God than I have ever been.
I just need her to give me that 1 chance. I will text her on 6/9, in the morning just before her exams. I hope she misses me by then and responds. If not I will keep praying and waiting.