What the hell is going on.

reconciliation
1

So, i’ll start with the past, then the present, then the future.

The Past

Her and I met at uni (We we’re together for 1&1/2 years). Her parents had recently divorced, and unknown to me, she had recently broken up with her super long term boyfriend (he slept with her best friend…she walked in on them). We both study the same subject so we got on really well, had so much fun together, both love the same things which is really odd actually. Anyway, during our relationship I screwed up a couple of times, which really isn’t like me. One time i was flirting with this girl over text, and another time I randomly decided to heavily flirt with some random girl I’d met online (I know that’s weird, it was weird for me too, but I used to get so horny and when my gf wasn’t there I’d do stupid things like that). So obviously that crushed her, and of course I regret it massively.

Then, we had some tough times and i broke up with her kind of out of the blue, but really my friend was pressuring me into it and i was really confused. Then I got back together with her like the next day, I felt horrible, I realised how much I truly loved her.

Then she mentioned something to me about us having some time apart in a passing comment, and I sort of agreed but just because I thought she needed a bit of space and that I couldn’t do anything to stop that if that’s what she wanted.

This turned into her breaking up with me. Then I basically said to her just to give it a go again and see how it goes, so we did. The next time I go to see her, she breaks up with me again, saying she’s confused and can’t picture us together in the future, and that my agreeing to the having time apart made her think I didn’t want to be with her.

Then comes the bad bit. I played it cool at the start, thinking this will all blow over, it didn’t. So what did I do? EVERY SINGLE THING Kevin tells us not to do, I begged, I phoned her drunk, I pleaded, I even mentioned suicide, I was a wreck. It got silly, I quickly realised I only wanted to talk to her so that I could hurt her to see if I could get any sort of feelings out of her.

A while back she said that she just needs space to think, and until she sees us together in a relationship (she really did want that to happen and for her mind to change). This is all very confusing because during our relationship I was I guess very blazee about the whole thing and I guess didn’t show her the appreciation and affection that I really did have for her. I’ve just never been that sort of guy. But she was, she would always talk about us in the future and it used to scare me a bit to be honest. But now, we’ve both switched places, and it’s frustrating because I know exactly how she feels, suffocated, confused, scared.

Another point is that she’s always texted her ex a bit during our relationship because she said he was such a massive part of her life and helped her get through he breakup and stuff, which I said I understand, as long as I was her number 1. The thing is, as soon as she proposed we break up, she started snap chatting him quite a bit, and has been every day since, and it just makes me angry and upset, obviously.

I don’t know if she still has feelings for him, she’s denied it before, but i’ve become pretty jealous and self conscious because of it all.

But I think now that i’ve cried to her so much and upset her so much, I’ve sort of ruined it. Our last phone call ended in her basically telling me she didn’t see me in her future and that I didn’t understand that we were over - that’s when I turned to this site.

Present

So that bring us to the unfortunate present,

I started my NC on the 1st of December (as much as it actually feels like someone is ripping my beating heart out of my chest by not spending xmas with her) and she texts me every day, usually a few times (to which i dont reply) saying she is so sorry about everything and how she wishes she could make me happy but she knows she cant, and how she is truly sorry about our last phone call and how she hates herself etc, but last night i told her i needed time and space. I used to not bother with writing anything on facebook or instagram or twitter to make her wonder what i’m up to, but today i’ve started being happy on social media, which i truly am. I started dancing in a lift today for crying out loud!

The future

I’m feeling better about the whole thing, but I can’t help but look so forward to a possible future with her, i was even picturing us living together and stuff, and we’re only 20!

So I guess time will tell the rest…
Any advice or comments are really appreciated!

Ps. Top tip, if you need something to help you not think of your ex do what I did. I went through my phone book and texted girls I used to enjoy hanging out with and arranged dates. It’s made me feel better about myself knowing someone likes me, it’s given me something to look forward to, and it gives you something else to think about other than your ex!

2

Sounds like you are the right path, follow the program and see how you feel after 30 days. I think you both need time away from each other to get healthy and balanced again.
having a date here and there is good, just don’t over do it though if you are looking to get her back as it looks like you are basically falling into old patterns, maybe do the 30 days and see if you still want her back, if not then go have fun!

3

Thanks for the reply Maria,

I’m really going to try and do the 30 days but I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to, every day feels like a week at the moment so im just aiming for 2 weeks at the moment. I’m just scared she’s falling out of love with me and has forgotten why she fell for me in the first place. Her history of male relationships doesn’t really favour me either…

4

Also it worries me that she’s talking to her ex more than me now :frowning: and lastly, I’ve been pretty happy(ish) lately and so I’ve been putting things on Instagram and snapchat, just things that make me laugh, is that a bad thing to do or good thing?

5

NC is hard, really hard! so giving yourself smaller goals has worked for me, like you said give yourself a week and then once you make it add another week and so on.
The things if you don’t complete the program, then each time you break NC you are essentially assuring her that you are still there, she will not get to start thinking that you could possibly be moving on and thus start missing you or wanting you back.
And if she is to fall out of love with you it will happen either way, whether you are around or not, obviously things were not going well that you are here ya know? :frowning:
Social media is a form of contact, so if she is seeing you on there a lot then you are sorta still around. I don’t know if is a good thing or bad thing because we don’t know what she is thinking. I would say just don’t do it to try to get her attention.

6

Yeah I agree with what you’re saying. Part of me thinks NC won’t really solve much but i guess that’s me thinking that if we’re not talking then she’ll just get used to the idea of not being with me but I don’t know. I get he whole she should miss me thing and she usually does when I don’t speak to her for a couple of days but I said to her yesterday that I just needed time and space, that’s all I said. (Because she was saying all this stuff about it being the anniversary of her dad walking out and it’s also her sisters birthday) and I think that may have sort of ruined the whole missing me/ worrying thing a bit but I couldn’t have not said anything to that message, I would’ve been a horrible person if I’d just ignored it.

7

Talking to an ex may be worrying-- I can tell you, talking to my ex when I was with my *then-boyfriend involved saying things that I’m pretty sure would’ve gotten me dumped if my then-boyfriend knew about them. But then again, it could be totally innocent.

But yeah, it sounds okay to me. I’d be careful about TOTALLY ignoring her for a whole month though, as a girl myself that sounds like it’d get you the cold shoulder for life. But then again, everyone has a soft spot for their ex and you know her and I don’t. In my experience, No Contact has worked-- but you can be a little flexible about how long you do it. I did it for two weeks and it took my ex from reserved, friendly responses to flirty and engaged in the conversation. So.

But again, that’s my personal experience. I don’t know if it’d work with everyone.

Anyway, good luck!

  • I did break up with that boyfriend awhile later, but it wasn’t related to flirting with my ex-boyfriend. It happened for other reasons. He never knew about how much I flirted with my ex, but I still feel horrible about it, as I should.
8

Hi Kimmy!

Firstly thank you so much for your reply, Recently I seem to be waiting on comments from this site as oppose to waiting on a text from my (now) ex girlfriend! Haha! It’s like a warm hand on the heart when I get a comment so thank you :slight_smile:

Yeah I did mention to her a few times during the whole emotional time that if she saw him while we were apart then she couldn’t expect me to ever be there, just because she knows how threatened I feel by him. But I do trust her, it’s just that obviously snap chatting him while and straight after we broke up really stabbed me in the heart, I tried to get her to understand how I felt about that by suggesting how she’d have felt if I’d done that with one of the girls id flirted with a while back and she said she understood and felt really bad but I didn’t get the idea she really did understand, and that she was just saying that to make me shut up about it.

But anyway! I’m over it, I know that if she still cares for me she wouldnt do anything that would really hurt me and I really think she does care for me, she’s all over my social media, liking everything and anything, and I imagine this weekend I’ll get a text asking how I am, then worry when I don’t reply.

My plan is to stick this out for the next couple of weeks, get back to the fun, happy, spontaneous guy I used to be, then see how she’s feeling, and I planned on saying (if it comes up, which I think it will because she kept saying she wants to talk about our situation) something along the lines of "the thing is, I know I can’t make you love me, and I accept that. But I remember why I fell in love with you, (list things) and I thought my (list things) made you fall in love with me. But if you don’t get excited about those things anymore, then I guess there’s nothing I can do about that.

I know we both needed some space, and I should have given it to her long ago when this whole thing started, but I think the space is doings us both good.

For her, the break up has always been so she can have time to think, and ‘come to the conclusion that she wants to be with me herself, without my pressuring’ without leading me on. She’s always been a worrier, and I think she’s just over-worrying about our future together. Ive just got to hope she hasn’t replaced me with her ex I guess.

And if she has, well, like i said ‘I can’t make her love me.’

9

I only read your original post so my comments are based on that…

I was in the same place you were… in the relationship, she cared more than i did, talked about the future blah blah… then it switched. my relationship is over with my ex and ive accepted that. im now seeing a new girl which goes to show that life goes on. and you just have to learn from your past relationship to be a better person.

but my advice to you is to continue NC and dont let up. the more she texts you… the better it will be for you to have the ball switch into your court. she may even start to regret breaking up with you and come crying at your doorstep asking for you back. its important to work on yourself and try and move on from your ex… because whether you get back together or not… trying to move on will help you get perspective on the situation.