We’ve been together for more than a year. We’re both 25 and had a great relationship, long distance most of the time over two different countries. She stated that she needed some single time when we started dating but still we decided to commit (she left her 6 years long bf for me and for that reason).
When I finally managed to get physically closer to her she stated that this feeling of her being single came back and it escalated in a breakup. She wanted to work through it but I became insecure and needy because I was afraid to lose her. I decided to break up, mainly because she didn’t want/dare to do it and I thought we could get a happier relationship later. It went nicely as it happened, she said it was bad timing and that she would want to try again the future. On the same night I hooked up with a random girl and felt so guilty I told her. She thought I’ve done that to hurt her and we went no contact for a couple weeks after I apologized and she accepted it. She kept asking me how I was doing, wishing me happy birthday and stuff. I kept it lighthearted and upbeat but short, trying to show I was doing fine and happy.
I eventually came with a memory text a month after the break up and tried to set up a meeting but she said it was too soon. I told her I didn’t want a friendship with her and she told me she needed and wanted to date other people to get to know herself (she doesn’t want to commit to anything). I asked her if she still thought it would work out later but she said that she thought about it and thinks that we were not right for eachother as I was expecting a lot from her. I told her my vision of why the breakup happened and took repsonsabilty for the loss of attraction due to over affection and insecurity. She agreed, told her that if that’s what she wanted now as she knows I didn’t want a friendship I could just disappear from her life. She just stayed and said it could possibly work later but in 6 months or so but didn’t want me to wait around or be mad at her if she ended up with someone else. She said she wanted to grab dinner with me before I go back to my country but wasn’t ready to meet soon as she doesn’t want to rekindle anything as that wouldn’t help her to date other people and stuff. I told her I would stop follow her on Instagram as a healing step.
So after that conversation I removed her from my followers and stopped following her. A week after I noticed she set her account private, removed all (!) likes on my posts one by one and hid her Facebook pictures from me. I didn’t budge, and a week after she sets her account back to public and ask me for help with some homework that she could have done easily by herself. I’ve been super upbeat and willing to help her, she asked if I was available the next day and said I wasn’t until 7 or so so she said she might be done with it before. Checked on her the next day, said she did it and thanked me for being open to help. Didn’t answer to her last thanks message but now I’m really curious about that hot and cold behavior, was she just testing the waters? Did she get worried as I started posting stuff with new friends and girls? I’m actually dating someone now but still actively trying to get her back since day 1.
Usually it’s not a good idea to date others while trying to reconcile, but since she told you she wants to be free and single to date others, it’s fair you date other girls. But then she said you weren’t right for each other. And she keeps contacting you. It sounds like she’s confused. Give her some time to figure out what she wants. Start no contact for at least a month or two, but first let her know why you’re doing it. Later, start communications, but keep it simple and short and not too frequent.
It’s been a month since that conversation, she contacted me for help with her homework last week (help she didn’t really need afterall). Should I do one or two months of no contact starting now? We’re not talking that much and it’s always positive when we do. How would I tell her that I’m doing NC then?
I still don’t understand why in the earth she would remove all likes from my posts. She dumped me, that’s just mean.
Sounds like you’re on good terms, but she already put you in the friend zone and by continuing to contact or reply to her, you’re perpetuating it. She knows you love her, but she dumped you to “find herself” and “date other guys”. Write a very brief note to let her know you don’t want any contact so you can heal from the hurt of the breakup. Then do no contact for 2 months. She will find out what it’s like to be without you and maybe reconsider. There is no guarantee she will, but she already doesn’t want a relationship with you, so there’s nothing to lose. She probably removed the likes because she doesn’t want a lot of reminders of you or doesn’t want any guys to know about you. I know it seems mean, but please don’t pay much attention to social media and don’t stalk it. Good luck.
Okay thanks for your advice.
I stated I didn’t want a friendship with her a month ago. But still here she is.
We talked for a quite a moment last night, it was almost as it was back then. Lots of jokes and teasing, looks like she tries to say stuff to make me react in a way she’d be expecting.
At the end she said she misses me and added “But don’t think you can weasel your way back in ?”.
So next time she texted me I should just blow her off and tell her that it’s best not to talk? Won’t that sound a little bipolar?
You’re definitely in the friend zone. You don’t have to wait until the next time she sends a text, but you could if you want to. I think it would be better to send a message as soon as possible. You can word it softly with “it’s nice to have these friendly chats, but I need time to process the breakup so please don’t contact me for a couple of months.” Something like that. She should be understanding of your feelings and it’s not bipolar. You’re probably thinking it’s better to talk with her than not to… but I know it’s hard on you! You’re hoping she will come back to you if you continue, but it just reinforces her thoughts of you as a friend. She needs to find out what it’s like not to have you to chat with or see. If by hook ups you mean sexual encounters, don’t do it until you know for sure what’s going to happen with your ex! Sure, date others, but don’t overdo it and no sex! Also don’t ever rub it in her nose about your dates! I wish you the best of luck and hope this ends happily for both of you:)
Okay, thought I was avoiding it but sounds like you’re right. I’ll maybe not tell her to stop contact but just answer briefly to her occasionnal texts and don’t let the conversations going.
I’m dating a lot actually, I’m seeing a girl regularly and having sex of course. That’s just fair, I don’t want to nicely wait around and she told me not to. I’ve put so much energy into that relationship that would just be too much to restrain me from doing that. Of course I’m not public about it and not rubbing it on her at all. I’m just keeping socially busy until she’s finally ready to commit again. Why would it be bad to date / have sex?
Do whatever you want about the no contact, but I said don’t have sex with your dates because if your ex finds out, she will think you never loved her or cared about the relationship. You profess love for your ex, yet you’re already having sex with someone else. Does this new girl know you want your ex back? And is this the same girl you “hooked up” with on the night you broke up with your ex?
Your ex told you she wanted single time when you first started dating and then again later. So maybe your ex will never get back with you, but who knows. Maybe think about breaking all ties with your ex so you can focus your feelings and attention on the new girl. That would be the considerate and mature thing to do rather than juggling 2 at the same time.
Thanks. This is a different girl and we have no willing to become serious or start a relationship together so it’s okay for me to still pursue my ex.
I think she doesn’t care if I’m having sex in a way that she knows I loved her and really cared for the relationship, this wouldn’t be a deal breaker and she probably is doing the same thing…
I think you misunderstand women. Having sex with another woman will bother her as long as she carries feelings for you. And women who have casual sex with a guy most often regret it and want a real relationship sooner or later.
It seems you can’t control your sexual urges even as you’re trying to win back your ex and you’re making the situation more complicated than it needs to be. If you were 5-6 months out from the breakup and had little hope of reconciling, it would be a different story.
But you’re all entitled to make your own decisions, whether they are good or bad. Take care of yourself and best wishes for this to work out in the best interest of all concerned.
So even if she said not to wait for her, that she wants to date other people (which includes sex 9 on 10 nowadays) and maybe try again in 6 months to a year when she’d have figured herself out I should refrain from trying to heal my way and get going with my life if I want to get her back?
I have no feelings for the girl I’m dating but we both are really helpful to eachother and became very good friends.
How does that demonstrates emotional strength? I’ll just get friendzoned ever more if I’m just being the nice guy waiting around, isn’t it?