To act or not to act

Hello,

I wanted some advice on how to handle my situation.

I broke up with my boyfriend first because i was not ready to commit and when I wanted to get back together with him 2 months later, he refused saying he was hurt and scared it would happen again.

We then talked and I made him realize that our 4 year realtionship was trully worth it and that it had ended because of bad timing more than anything else. When we talked he could realize the logic of it, but I could tell he was still very hurt and he told me he did not feel the same way.

I told him that I understood that he could not make a decision at that moment but that I just wanted to make sure that he realized these things. Since then, he gives me hot and cold signals. He likes things on my facebook, but still doesnt contact me.

I am now on the no contact period and was wondering if I should just stop contacting him completely and hope that he will come back to me? Or after the 30 days, contact him?

Also, I think he is in a rebound relationship. He broke up with me and started going out with someone very differetn to me that same week.

What do you think?

Hi @lacume,

Yes, I can see how he would be scared to commit to you. I am in the position where my girlfriend just recently broke up with me. If she were to ever come around and ask for me back, I would be very hesitant as I do not want to get hurt again. I can tell you from my perspective though, if I was in his shoes, I probably still love you, I’m just super uncertain because of how deep the cut is. So deep, that there may be a scar. I just need to be sure.

You may have to show him that you actually do mean what you say and prove it. How can you prove to him that you are ready? Is your definition of ready the same definition of his ready? It sucks that you guys broke up, is there a way you guys can work things out before getting to that point? I guess the be-all, end-all question is, what’s different between the you now and the you from before? Because with all he knows, he might be setting himself back up for failure if he goes through with this again. The cost of heartbreak is too much, it takes a long time to heal, but you also have the ability to help him heal his wounds quicker.

Most likely, he is still upset over the break up. I’m not sure if NC will actually do anything at this moment since you guys had a 2 month break already. Were you guys talking in between those two months?

-Kneechan

Hi @kneechchan,

Thank you for your answer.
I think he is specially hurt because during the two months that I broke up with him, we were still in contact pretty much as boyfriend-grilfriend. It was like a limbo between being together and not being togehter while he asked me to think about what I wanted with my life. I did not see it at that moment, but it was a very hurtful situation for both.

Then during the third month, it was me that wanted to get back together and he would refuse saying that he was unsure because he did not want to go through it agian, but we would still be in contact like always. At the end of that month my way of telling him that I was sure of what I wanted was that letter that I wrote.

I trully meant what I wrote and it was indredibly painful to be refused after I gave it to him because it took a lot of effort for me to reach that point.

After that, another month passed with very little contact and I asked to speak to him because I felt that many things went unsaid.

When we spoke, I made him realize the fact that the problem was timing and that I had been immature, but that he had also been asking a lot from me, and that the relationship was really worth another shot.

But as I said, even though the logic came through to him and he acknowladged these points, he seemed to be battling between his heart and his head. He seemed very upset. I told him not to try to make any decision being in that state, but to definately think about it.

At the end of that conversation, I think I showed him that I had really learned a lot from the expereince and that I was even one step ahead of him in terms of maturity. He seemed really surprised.

And since then, my thoughts are that he has to heal his wounds and really realize the potential of the relationship by himself. Which is the point of applying NC right now. Let the course of his rebound relationship run through and make him miss me as well. I dont think I can show him anymore than I have already done that I am trully ready. I think right now he is acting more from a broken heart and a hurt ego than from his head.

Coincidentally, his birthday is just 32 days after NC started, so I will take advantage of that to start contact with him again. But some people advice me to not contact him at all and see if he comes back on his own, but Im not sure. How do you suggest that I help him heal his wounds quicker? Especially if he is seeing someone else at the moment?

Do I respect his space, or try somehthing else?

Yes, NC would probably give him time to clear his head and the negativity associated with you. If you have done all you could do, all you can do is wait at this point. I don’t even think you can help heal his wounds at this moment in time. You do have the ability to help him heal, but it will have to be after your NC ends, not right now.

You have issues to work out yourself, so I would advise you to improve on yourself before continuing on with him and the idea of a relationship. Respect his space and respect your own space, if he sees that you have actually changed, it will show in how you interact with him and how you hold yourself. Take this time to heal up yourself and become emotionally stable before approaching him. It may take two weeks, it may take a month, it may take longer than a month. The month-long NC is only an approximation: if it takes you longer to heal, then take longer to heal. If it happens that you feel like you’re emotionally stable before the month, I would still suggest to wait out the month, just because your mind tends to play tricks on you from time to time. Ultimately, you know yourself best. Be sure to hold your head up high and be confident!

He contacted me yesterday! And I responded…

Out of the blue he sent me a funny video, to which I responded kindly but told him that I was not ready to be his friend yet.

Then I was weak and I asked him if he had thought about what we had talked about.

He told me that he had thought about it. And that he was very surprised about everything that I told him and that he thought it was a shame that the timing had been so wrong, because if not we could have gotten back together, but now he was seeing someone else. But he stressed the point that it was very important to him to have finished in good terms.

I was cool and collected during the whole thing and just responded that I as well lamented the timing had been so wrong and that I was glad we were in good terms too. I was careful not to say anything about him seeing someone else.

In the end, without me looking for it, he told me that in the near future he did not think he and I could be together. But that some part of him thought that maybe further along we could have something again and until that time, we should not be in contact.

I told him that I thought the same and we both agreed to only talk to each other in case of big news happening in our lives.

Im rather calm after that conversation, I think the girl he is seeing is in fact a rebound because she is very different from me exactly in the points that I know made him fall in love with me. And I know him well enough to know that she is not his type. Unless something in him has changed, and in that case maybe I wouldnt want to be with him anyumore.

And right now I feel that he has a very blown up ego, not only because he is doing rather well at work but because he knows I want to be with him and he also has this other girl…

So yes, right now all I can do is wait. But I have a feeling I will be waiting for quite some time. In the meantime, I will not contact him at all (except for his birthday) and I will work on myself as well.

Also, Im going to start meeting other people. I have a feeling that if he sees Im going out with someone else, he will react in some way. And who knows, maybe Ill find someone better suited for me as well.

But it still hurts that he can no longer be my best friend :frowning:

I hate that after talking to him yesterday I feel like I fell off the wagon and Im starting from scratch all over again. The impulse to text him is so strong! Arg!

And I hate how he is acting as well- I feel in some way he is playing with me. Im kind of angry now. This is definately not the person I fell in love with. But I know its his ego. And who knows when that bubble will burst

Hi @lacume,

I don’t know if I’m the person you want to hear this from, but you are too impulsive! I know the urge is strong to contact and reply to them, but you need to fight those urges. The more mysterious you make yourself, the more he will think about you. Also, I believe you are overanalyzing a lot of things. The point of NC is for you to improve yourself and this improved self should INCREASE your chances of getting him back. It is not a surefire way, so the only thing you can do right now is to improve yourself. Get back to where you were and go beyond that!

What’s done is already done, I strongly suggest that you do not contact him or reply to him anymore. It seems like the playing field is tilting towards him because you were readily accessible. You were readily accessible during the two months of “break up”, and you are readily accessible now. You have to make it seem like you’re starting to get over him by doing things for yourself. Go have some fun, enjoy yourself, learn some things about yourself and see what you can improve. Better yet, if there were things that he did not like about you, things that made him not see a future with you, work on those and then when you’re emotionally ready, talk to him.

At this moment, you’re just digging yourself a bigger hole to climb out of. Whenever you have the urge to talk to him or do something that has to do with him, I would say go and preoccupy yourself with something. Sports, games, food, hanging out with friends, exercise, hobbies, etc. The times that you spend alone are the darkest, and most dangerous times. You allow yourself and your mind to run free and go through all of the possible scenarios that could happen. Especially during these times, your most negative scenarios will prevail. You need to be stronger, take a deep breath, and trust that things will work out as time moves along.

There’s one part of the 5 step plan that truly resonated with me: Before you contact your ex, you have to accept the break up and be okay with the fact that you may never get your ex back. As harsh as that sounds, we have to prepare for that. But what you get out of all of this is that you WILL be a stronger person in the end. You will have learned more about yourself than you’ve ever gotten to know. You will be able to withstand a lot more adversity than before. But you must first understand to get to that level, you ABSOLUTELY need to fight through your urges. It’s more of a mentality test than anything. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, it’s a grueling process. Yes, you won’t be able to sleep or eat well. But guess what? Time heals all. There will come a time; a week, two weeks later that you will be able to resume your normal every day life. Don’t let your mind take over. Control yourself because you want what’s best for yourself. Be the best that you can be, not for him, but for you.

I’m sorry if this was a bit intense. It’s because I went through a similar phase that you’re about to go through. I just don’t want someone to suffer as much as I have, it’s absolutely terrifying how the mind can eat you up and spit you out. Please have faith and just push yourself to the limit. I believe in you! :slight_smile:

-Kneechan

Hey Kneechan,

Thank you so much for your replies, its very kind of you.

Yes- I tend to be the overanalyzing and impulsive kind of person. Also, it was both his and mine first real relationship and it was a really good one for the 4 years that it lasted. It was also very deep and long, so this process has been incredibly difficult for me. I never imagined it would be this hard :frowning:

But I know you are right. And right now I know he has all the power because I have been too readily accesible.

And I also know that my mind is playing tricks on me. Im still so emotionally unstable, but sometimes it makes me think that I am fine and that I would not mind not getting him back. But thats not true, not yet anyway.

So I will follow your advice and be really strong not to contact him or to even reply- even if it hurts really bad.

Again- thanks for your support. :slight_smile:

Can I ask about your story?

How damaged do you think the situation is? Do you think this is saveable?

When we talked on friday he also mentioned that he maybe moves away because of work at the beginning of next year and that he would let me know as soon as he knew if it happened- im not sure of what to make of this information.

You’re welcome @lacume! Anything I can do to help a fellow broken hearted one, I will try my best. Just know that no matter how hard things get, time will heal all. Remember to fight your urges and maintain good discipline!

Kevin maintains that no matter what the situation is, it is always salvageable. Regardless of what I think or what Kevin thinks, I believe you will know best as time goes on. Emotions no longer take over your actions, and instead, you will think with logic. Hopefully your ex will feel the same. I wouldn’t read too much into him moving away, he may just be trying to get a reaction out of you. The question you should ask yourself is, what IF he moves away? The logical me will tell you right now, I’m sure you won’t be waiting forever for him. Maybe that will help you move on from him, not that I’m saying you should move on, but it’s another alternative if things don’t work out the way you want it to. Remember, Kevin does say, when you accept the fact that these steps won’t necessarily guarantee his return, you will be emotionally stable enough to speak to him.

What I got from talking with @amcee is, if you truly love him, you will love him no matter what happens. If he’s happier without you or if he’s happy about moving away, you should be happy for him. Because that’s what true love entails in our definition of love. Of course, getting back with him would be an ideal situation for you, but if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but you have to prepare yourself for the worst scenario possible.

My story is here: https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/what-should-i-do-29/ It’s a brief read and the discussion below goes further into explanation through my past two and a half weeks. Enjoy the read, there’s a lot of things I learned just from chatting with @amcee. Please join in on the conversation if you feel like you want to put in your two cents! :slight_smile: