OK, just had the email from Kevin where he talks about the timing within NC and the optimum time to get back into contact:
Breakup Pain Healing >>>> Bad Memories Healing >>>> Missing You Badly >>>> Moving On
Just wondering (and this may be revealed in future emails), how should the NC timing change if there were not really any bad memories to heal. If, as my ex-girlfriend did, you were dumped because of loss of attraction (i.e. being too needy / available), but there was no real conflict in the relationship, then the ‘Bad Memories Healing’ phase should be very short. Just wondering how this should affect NC - is 30 days NC a safe strategy in any case, or is there a danger of going past the ‘Missing You Badly’ phase?
You may be right - but does she actually have bad memories of this? From her point of view, all she felt was a gradual loss of attraction (I’m guessing) that she then tried to express in words like “I just don’t feel that deep connection”, “It’s not you, it’s me”, “It just doesn’t feel like the forever relationship”.
Has anyone experienced this from the other side, i.e. as a girl gradually losing attraction for a guy and to what extent did you feel the ‘Missing You Badly’ at any point?
This advice from Kevin is very conflicting for me because nobody experiences these phases in this exact sequence, so I don’t buy it. Women actually get over break ups faster than men; however,my ex is still angry at me and we broke up on the 6th. Everyone goes through these things differently, there’s no way of telling.
You want a good 30 days in order to heal and improve yourself. My situation is similar, there was a gradual loss of attraction. In the 30 days I’ve gone through a lot of emotions and at times needed serious support from my friends and family but it’s left me better off than when I started (I’m on day 25 now). Going through the 30 days is good for you.
Secondly I think even if there are no bad memories you want to ‘reset’ their impression of you in order to rebuild attraction, and that takes time. It will also increase the impact when you contact again, make her realise what she didn’t have when you were cut from each other.
If you really feel you could go faster then I’ve seen others who say you can finish NC as early as 21 days. But for your own sake I’m not sure I’d recommend that.
Yeah - I think that’s really good advice @John1. I’m 11 days into NC and have experienced a whole range of emotions from loneliness to anger to apathy and everywhere in between. Clearly to be able to lead the situation through ‘false friend’ to hopefully somewhere successful, I need to have emotionally stabalised. In my case, I have so much else happening in my life in the next three weeks anyway - buying a new place, getting the divorce from my almost ex-wife finalised, that it’ll be better to come back into contact as the guy who’s got the loose ends in his life sorted out and is carrying on with moving on. In her case, she is also coming to terms with the death of someone close to her, so leaving the whole thing well alone for a decent amount of time is undoubtedly good.
Best of luck @John1 when you come to the end of NC.
I think in your case the 30 days of no contact will be particularly helpful because there wasn’t a huge problem in your relationship. If the only problem was that you were too needy and available, maybe the time apart will make her realize that you won’t always be around. It will give her time to miss you. It is good that you have a lot going on right now to take your mind off of the no contact. Plus it will give you a lot of stuff to fill her in on when you do make contact after the 30 days.
My ex would not take my calls or text messages after we broke up (after a fight over finances and other things). However, after I did the 30 day no contact I texted him and got a response and we have gradually been talking since. I feel I am making some progress.
Can you read my most recent thread (“How Long After No Contact Before Suggesting to Meet”) and give me your opinion? Thanks!
So, after 40 days of no-contact (including one pleasant, but ultimately unsuccessful date with another girl), I made a move to re-establish contact again with a letter. Who knows if I pitched it right? - I talked of the feelings that I had for her that I’ve now let go; told her about some of the exciting things happening in my life; re-iterated that there is no bad feeling between us as a result of the break-up; talked of how good the friendship part of our relationship was and that I think this is worth pursuing and left her with an invitation to respond. The letter was posted three days ago; not heard her of her so far - no texts, letters or emails. Who knows what effect it will have? Will she just ignore it? I really have nothing to go on; we weren’t established enough to have any mutual friends who we are both still in contact with; we live on opposite sides of the city, so meeting by chance is slim; she does not do Facebook or any other social media, so no clues there. Time for the waiting game…
Well, Kaila, I just hope she says something. Every day that passes, it just seems more and more that she’s just not going to respond at all. But I’ll leave it until the end of the week before considering another move.
Still finding myself overwhelmed by feelings - although I’d done a good job of distracting myself over the past 40 days (and being happy with my life), I drove home yesterday through her area of the city and all of the feelings that I had for her came back even stronger than ever. I try to distract myself through online dating and my other hobbies - maybe I will meet someone even more special than she was - who knows - in some ways I’m just open to any kind of success. If a doorway to my ex opens up again and it is successful, great - if not, just got to keep meeting and chatting to people - who knows who I will meet and what will happen - I certainly wasn’t expecting to meet and fall for my ex just 10 weeks after my former marriage ended, but it happened…
Well, I thought I’d write again to get some thoughts from everyone on what to do next, given that sending the letter has had absolutely zero response. I chose to use a letter as I know she’s a bit of a traditionalist and not that into email conversations or flirty text messages. But after a week - maybe something lighter in an email will be appropriate to establish contact.
I’m really struggling to find examples on this forum and these boards of people that have encountered the zero response situation and what to do about it. Everywhere I read, it seems to say “she will be compelled to respond”, but if she isn’t??? About a month before we broke up, she said “Whatever happens between us we will always be friends, we will never be enemies”. At the time I took quite a hard-line view and said “If we do break up, that is it between us”. On the night that we broke up, I actually said “I will need time to get my head around this so I won’t be back in touch with you until I’ve dealt with it” and to her “in the meantime I only want you to get in touch with me if your feelings change again”. But now that I have made contact and basically said, yes I’ve dealt with it, I don’t really get what the silence means.
OK - started a new post in the ‘Reconcillation’ section to talk about what happens next. But basically, yes, a really light touch email worked to get her talking again. I think in many ways the letter, although it was good, was still too emotionally heavy for her to want to respond to. Going in with an email that was light, chatty, short, showing no bitterness about the split (and also briefly alluding to a fun time we had together when we first met) was enough to start communication again.
Kind of obvious really, looking back I think the only major things that killed the relationship were neediness and not enough laughter (we both had difficult things going on in our lives outside of the relationship). So short, light, chatty, fun, positive was best to kick-start the conversation again. More as it happens in the other thread…
Hey i have technically just started my 30 day no contact, as we needed some contact the change over the rent and bills into my name, we lived together in a rented apartment,
i was in a 10 year relationship with my ex fiance, he went away to train abroad in amercica, and when he came home he instantly told me he was unfaithful that he never was in love with me, never felt that connection with me , felt forced into propossing and that im not right for him.
I am devasted and heartbroken and just want him back, he cancelled the wedding aswell
any advice, do you think i have a chance to get hiim back even though he said all those things to me
like yourself, i feel i was too needy and missed him alot and cried when he left me he mentioined that he felt i was more in love with him than he was with me and how i seemed to miss him more when he worked away
Well, brandy, there’s always a chance. Maybe a very small one, maybe bigger - who knows - none of us know what’s going on inside his head or his heart.
But you do have one advantage over me - that of the length of your relationship. 10 years is a long time - you will have a lot of shared experiences and good memories that you can hopefully make some use of when you finish NC. You don’t mention any major arguments in your relationship. So there aren’t really any fundamental points of conflict or differences in values that mean that he wouldn’t consider a relationship. No, in some ways it sounds like my relationship and just a loss of attraction - maybe in the longevity of yours, it all got a bit too routine for him. Then travelling to America, having a fling - all these things were a novelty and gave him an emotional high.
So yes, I think attraction and connection can be rebuilt. No guarantees, but we all have to give it a good shot. So take Kevin’s advice - use the NC to develop yourself in a different direction - try something new, meet new people, try and figure out what fundamentally makes you happy apart from him. This is the basis of a new connection and new attraction. I hope it is possible - in your situation as well as my own.