i apologize in advance for this long rant but i have a lot to say on this topic!!!
first off, i know i may be looked at as a downer for this comment and this goes against this whole website, but i truly believe there is no way to get your ex back. if there was a full proof way, everyone would end up with their first loves and never have their hearts broken. its sad but true. each relationship and each break up is different and there is no one method or a rulebook to make your ex return to you. @relic, i believe you have a wonderful and positive outlook on life and i actually really envy you. i really hope your ex comes back to you because you seem like you have been so mature and positive about all of this and you handled the breakup like a mature adult and you deserve the best. if you truly deep down believe that he is the one for you then its always important to have hope. but its so important to realize our happiness does not rely on someone else and we cannot make someone want to be with us. if your ex doesnt come back, i am positive you will find a real lasting and strong live. @Ly88, i really do not think there is any kind of time frame. someone told me once if your ex doesnt come back in the first month then prepare for a really long journey ahead. how long were you and your ex together? i am truly starting to believe that most successful reconciliations occur between 6 months and 1 year. i think after a year it is extremely difficult to pick things back up but i think fewer than 6 months there hasn’t truly been enough time to change and to heal. there is also no rule about this. but sometimes i think the more time goes on if there really and truly was true love there, the better. give your ex some real time to miss you. 30 days is nothing when coming out of a long term relationship. something i remind myself is also that my ex is not hurting in the same way i am. this was HIS choice and not mine. he wanted to experience life without me and surely he can’t do that in 30 days. he needs to date other girls, go out with friends and live his life without thinking of me before he can determine whether or not he’s happier with me or with someone else or on his own. i need to love and respect him enough to grant him the time to do this. i shouldn’t sit and wait around for him but i also do believe in my heart he is the one for me. i need to do my best to pick myself up and move on and if its meant to be just hope he’s come back before I’ve moved on. @confused_girl, you and your ex only dated for 5 months. i don’t believe it would be likely that yo would reconcile after 6 months-1 year because that would be more time than the total relationship. the way i see it now is you only have one option. you should tell him how you feel completely honestly - write a letter, text, call him, ask to meet up - do whatever makes you most comfortable. but thats really your best bet right now. you keep wanting to tell him you’ve changed and what went wrong so let him know and then he can make the call. none of these half no contact games will work. also no one will tell you whether or not he will come back to you and I’m not an advocate of false hope. if he’s told you he’s moved on, maybe he has. maybe he hasn’t but you can’t assume he’s sitting home pining over you. you need to just lay it all out on the table and let him know how you feel and hear him out. if he doesnt want a relationship with you anymore, you need to let him go. wait until youre emotionally strong enough to handle a rejection if thats what he throws your way.
i have been having an incredibly hard time the past few days. for those of you who are not familiar with my story, my ex and i dated for 7 years (from ages 16-23). he broke up with me a little over 4 months ago because he told me he’s not sure I’m “the one” and he could never go through his life only ever being with and dating one girl because he would always wonder “what if”. he left the door wide open to reconcile. he told me he loves me and definitely can see and picture a happy future with me but this is something he needs to do. he needs to date other girls and really give it a chance to see if what he has with me makes him happiest because he’s had nothing else to compare us to. i was completely devastated and then started to feel a bit better as time went on. three days ago i found out he’s now seeing someone or in his words “hooking up exclusively” and “casually dating her”. i feel like i have truly been punched in the stomach. I’m the only girl he’s ever been with or had feelings for. we had a very long conversation in which he told me that he needs to do this and this is exactly why we broke up. if he dates this girl or a couple others and can start to appreciate the little things he took for granted at the end of our relationship then he will have his doubts confirmed. if he truly gets to know and dates other girls and realizes he values our relationship the most then he will be back. he told me he has no idea how long this will take him. he doesnt know if he will end up in a serious relationship with this other girl or if he will date others or if he will return to me in 2 months, 6 months, 2 years, 5 years, or ever. he’s given me no answers, has encouraged me not to wait around and to also date and see what else is out there. we mentioned potentially checking in in may when we have been broken up for 8 months and he’s had more of a chance to develop his current relationship or explore others. i asked him genuinely his thoughts on nc and he said it will have no bearing on if or when he comes back - that he loves me just as much if we talk everyday for a month or if he doesnt hear from me for 4 weeks. he doesnt reach out because he wants to give me the space i need to move on from him but he’s always responsive and very honest and open when i reach out to him. i have been very bad with no contact and our break up has been messy because i think in my head I’m “waiting” for him to come back and check in every couple of weeks but i need to change my mindset. now that i know he is seeing someone, i will not contact him. he needs to see out this relationship and i need to move on because for all i know he could fall in love with and marry this girl. I’m going nc now for me - not to get him back. if i slip up along the way it wont change anything but i will look like a desperate idiot because i know he has a new girl. my point is, in my situation, no contact would change nothing. it will only help me let go which is something i really need to do after holding on so tight for 4 months. if he comes back to me, it needs to be because he wants to on his own because he recognizes what he had with me can’t be replicated elsewhere and because thats what makes him happiest overall. my kind of break up is unique because we had no major relationship problems that caused the end - my ex is just young and wondering what else is out there. if you love something you need to let it free and if it comes back then it was always meant to be. i know he wont be ready to be with me unless he does this and i also know I’m not ready for him to be back yet because as much as it would ease my temporary pain, i have been overall a very unhappy person the last 4 months. i need to be happy on my own and not rely on him. i am also resentful of him leaving me and not wanting to be with me right now and i need to get over the hurt before i could ever accept him back. so nc is the answer for me right now - a couple solid months of it to give us both a real chance to clear our head and discover ourselves without each other. in the end i tell myself its win-win, if he comes back, we will have a much stronger relationship because his doubts will be confirmed and he will be more committed and i will be more independent, and if he doesnt come back then it wasn’t meant to be and he did me a favor ending it while I’m still 22 so that i can grieve this properly and go on to meet someone else who loves me. i believe deep down he’s the one for me but he needs to realize this too. true love wont fade with nc. i also need to work on making myself happy without him. i cannot depend on him for my happiness and right now i still feel incomplete without him, so he might need to use this time apart to date but i need to take this time to care for and get to know myself. my birthday is the end of april and i think he will contact me then and we will touch base but for now i need to focus on me and trust that he will realize on his own whether or not I’m right for him. so personally for me, i think the longer this goes on, the better my chance to reconcile. my ex was very serious about taking this significant time and if he comes back before he’s ready because i persuade him then he will just leave again. i need to give him his time and space now. I’m hoping to look back on this time in my life over the next few years as a very dark period but a period where i emerged stronger, more self aware, and confident. we all need to recognize that we are hurting now but we need to let time do its job and heal us and give our exes the time and space to decide what they want. if you believe something is meant to be don’t lose hope. if you try three months post break up to reconcile and your partner isn’t ready, try again after 6. we will all make mistakes along the way and we will certainly feel pain we think is unbearable but we will all get through this with the support of this forum. we need to remind ourselves this pain is temporary and whatever is meant to be will be and let things unfold naturally.
@confused_girl, i genuinely believe your only chance is to tell him how you feel. if youre scared to tell him in person, send it in a text or a letter to him. he doesnt seem to want to talk as friends and nc clearly isn’t making him come back to you so the only option you have is to somehow communicate how you feel and see if he feels the same way
It’s not working because he isn’t talking to a lot of people because he works so much. This is angering me so much. I was starting to lose hope and the people on this post last night were giving more hope until today
@confused_girl, if a guy really wants to talk to you he will make the time to do so, even if he works a lot. Its ok to have hope but you seem to not want to act to change the situation by telling him how you feel. also you can’t survive on hope alone - most of us on this site probably will not get our exes back and we need to be realistic as well
@atea1234 thank you for your input, it really helps. I also don’t think there is a set timeframe, and my ex had some mental problems of his own to work out…so I do think he needs time…I hope that he does realize what we had because I truly feel like he is my soul mate. We had been together for 5 years. started dating in college. what really caused the break up was him moving abroad for his job. its not permanent so he will be back, but I think with that and just his fragile state of mind he couldn’t handle a gf right now. I want to hope that he just needs time to settle into his new job and also make some positive changes for himself. He said I always made him happy, loved me more than anything etc…I treated him very well… so that wasn’t a problem. He is somewhat immature. He is 25 and im 24. Any advice on conquering the distance? I would do long distance with him… I just think he would be hesitant.
Im sorry to hear you are going through so much, I have also been very cynical lately. Its hard to pull yourself out of this mode of thought. And yes you should do nc!! for your mental health. You can gain your confidence back and become more attractive to your ex even if he says it doesn’t matter (it does) let him be completely without you and see how it actually makes him feel. theres no way he wouldn’t get curious about you. he could definitely come back to you. im sure he will find that none of these other girls mean as much as you do or make him as happy as you did. Keep your head up, not all hope is lost. 7 years is a long time
@ly88, my ex and I are high school sweethearts and we endured 5 years of a long distance relationship at different colleges. It was extremely difficult and trying at times and we had to take two brief breaks but I can tell you that it is possible. Both people have to be incredibly committed though to make it work because it does require a lot of effort. My advice if you’re both on board is to schedule visits, chat each night about your days, etc. When did you break up? My ex hated the long distance but I was ok with it. I loved college and my friends and found balancing to be easy but he struggled a lot with how to navigate through it and we took two short breaks between when he couldn’t handle it.
I do believe there is hope in my situation as well but it is so complicated. We had an amazing relationship but my ex for years has told me he knew he would need time to date others - that being with me his whole life would always leave him wondering “what if”. I know we have a special connection and I believe in our relationship so unfortunately I need to suffer through this for a while. I am in despair that he’s seeing someone even though I know this is what needs to happen if we will ever reconcile down the road. I just need to hope he doesn’t fall in love with someone else (although he does seem pretty into this girl) and that he will come back with a stronger sense of commitment and appreciation towards what he and I shared. When we spoke Monday he told me he would be happy to touch base in May when he’s had more time to date but it’s gut wrenching knowing he’s making a real effort to daye other girls. He told me I should be happy because he would never return after just months of being single and that to value this time off he needs to date so he can hopefully decide sooner. Do you have any idea how long this will take him to figure out? I feel like he needs real time away but also I think it’s unrealistic to think he could be away for years
I do not believe that the longer it is, the less chance there is. For some… maybe. If the bond wasn’t strong, or it was a short lived relationship, then it’s understandable that what was could fizzle sooner than later. However, the longer the relationship, the better the chance of getting the ex back, and the amount of time that has passed since the breakup will matter less. I am an example of how time has helped. It is going on 9 months since the breakup. I didn’t speak to my ex for two months. I am going to post in my topic “Contacted Ex” after this, and I’ll explain more about me and my ex’s interaction there.
Anyway,
If you were a doormat, if your ex was harsh, if they left you for someone else, if you had constant fighting and neglect at the end, then you need all the time you can get to make sure you’re ready. And your ex has to have a light bulb go off; which could take months! It has to smooth over, you have to get control of your emotions and life in general, you have to become someone that makes you feel like you are in a marriage while being completely on your own. Don’t freak out about the time that has gone by. Read what’s going on, prescribe what the situation needs, and set the course. Remain positive. Stay true to yourself. In the end, you matter more than getting an ex back. So, if it takes longer than you expect to get your ex back, just make the best of that time. Time flies… and if you’re always working on yourself and creating an amazing life… 6 months will only seem like a few months and so on.
So, I just had my wave of confidence come back. Last night I had a dream that my ex and I were back together and wwere very happy. I remember when I sent the apology to him, I felt very confident and things did get slightly better. I just wrote out what I want to say “I think it’s time we talk about stuff”
How does that sound? I actually am feeling quite confident again. I wanted to tell him since about this weekend, but when I got in a wreck, I wanted to wait awhile. It sounds weird, but I was still shaken up and wanted to just rest a bit lol. But is this okay?
Wow! I admire you so much for being positive. I have a success story of NC and moving on although not totally. It has been 9 months since the break up and no contact at all. And the last time I saw her made me feel that the neurons fored up again. It has been a long time since we broke up I thought the longer time of NC the less possibility there is to get back together. May be may be not but in my case I feel more renewed and refreshed into rekindling the romance. Although I wouldn’t dare take a risk with her again. Ha ha!
I am feeling so low this week. I miss my ex so much. And I’m constantly wondering if he misses me too. I don’t know if he’s scared to reach out to me or what but I’m surprised he hasn’t. Any advice? I know I should wait till march to contact him but I’m scared he won’t reply. It is crazy to keep hoping and wishing? We didn’t have a bad relationship!! It was great so I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want me
I’ve learned that if you have hope, you can try the hardest. “In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself.” I was having a terrible week awhile ago, no one was replying to my messages, I felt completely ignored, even by my best friend. I’ve learned to enjoy the time apart. I’m actually happy, and my ex seems rather…crappy. I’m planning on talking to him soon and telling him we need to talk. I;m trying to get rid of my nervousness and just say it. I felt really confident when I apologized for how I was acting and it actually did something. Don’t lose hope, even if it’s all you have right now. To me, if there’s hope, there’s a way things will work out
@Ly88, sorry to hear youre having a hard week i had a pretty low week as well but today my spirits were a little better at least. i also have my ex on my mind 24/7 and its extremely frustrating. i find myself wanting to stay in and wallow instead of distracting myself which is bad because when i do distract myself i feel better. when did you break up and when was the last time you had contact? i feel the same way. my ex and i had an amazing relationship and i just keep finding myself in disbelief that this is what he WANTS. its really hard for me to comprehend.
i think hoping and wishing is a double edge sword and its something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately. i do have a lot of hope that my ex and i will reconcile, but i also think it does prevent the moving on process and I’ve been having a hard time striking a balance between maintaining hope but also trying to move on. the way i see it is that i have no control over whether or not my ex will return to me or not. i can either sit here feeling miserable for myself and hope and pray that he’ll come back. but even if he does, i feel like i will feel so much resentment over how miserable i was while he was out dating other girls. or i can do my best to try to date other guys, move on, stay busy, and happy. this way if he comes back i will have made something meaningful out of the time apart and if he doesnt come back hopefully slowly i can get used to life without him and adjust and begin to move on. this is SO much easier said than done. and i wont say my actions are following what I’ve just said quite yet, but I’m trying. its been over 4 months for me and I’ve been absolutely miserable. if my ex comes back, i can’t see it happening for at least another 4-5 months or so, so i need to somehow get out of this funk by then. but I’m totally feeling the same way. all week i couldn’t think of anything besides my ex and its awful. i do hope time helps us all. nc is the worst but breaking it is even more awful i think. how long have you been doing it?
