Hi everyone, sorry for what will probably be a long post but I really need some help and understanding with this as I have never been in a position I feel so strongly about as this.
The background is I recently started seeing someone who I have history with. It started 5 years ago, firstly on a random train journey spotting this mysterious stranger on the platform around 40 mins away from my home station and becoming engrossed in my only mutual tunnel vision situation I had experienced. Obviously I’ve had the locked eye contact but this was a truly unique wtf was that experience.
A week later, I had a number of businesses and the same girl turned up working for a company arranging staff for us and dropped some paperwork in. We had a quick conversation and that was that. Days later I had sent the staff home and was finishing paperwork at the end of the day. She turned up with more and had finished so stopped over chatting to me whilst I carried on.
She was friendly and slightly flirty at first but then was holding back when I reciprocated a comment. Eventually after some conversation I worked out a lot about her and told her and she was shocked because no one had ever figured her out before. We both opened up and our connection was crazy. It got very close, However I couldn’t pursue anything even though I had this really unique feeling with her as I had a gf of a long time and she was a lot younger than me too.i still couldn’t shake this unique feeling I had with her though.
We kept communicating and spoke about our obvious attraction but that we couldn’t do anything yet it felt like a struggle to not want to. We met and spoke a few times but there was always such a frustration as we both clearly had this overwhelming feeling for each other. Eventually we met to speak and both struggled with our situation we spoke on the phone later and I forced ourselves separate as we clearly couldn’t fight it or have what we were feeling either. I felt terrible as it seemed I broke her heart even though nothing really happened and like she was in love with me. I also had regret but couldn’t do anything about it but couldn’t deny those strong feelings I had there were unlike anything.
That’s our history. Fast forward five years and my 15 year relationship has ended badly months ago. I have tried dating again with a girl I had really liked but nothing came of it and went out one night really low. This started the best week of my life.
After moving to the main part of town I am walking and I get this exact same tunnel vision experience again but didn’t recognise the girl because she’d changed her hair. Again it was the same what was that moment as we walked past.
Later she walked into the bar I was in and started walking over. My friend, the local lady’s man swooped in early not knowing anything of her for her only response was to ask was he out with me she thinks she knows me.
We spoke and she said she had butterfly’s thinking of me randomly 3 months before and that I broke her heart. It was the only time she’d been out in my town in 5 years which was odd as I’d only been a handful of times too. We spoke and were transfixed with each other most of the night til she left, leaving our friends out uncharacteristically. She had told me she’d split with her bf of 3 years nearly a year before but only really ended it 2 weeks prior, she wasn’t looking for anyone and her problems that she had a sister in hospital who’d been ill and given 24 hours to live in a coma the month before but fighting sepsis and hopefully recovering now. Her mum had also been in a coma at the same time for a different reason but recovered.
The next day we had some chit chat and I suggested she come and see me. She reiterated she didn’t want a relationship and doesn’t do casual when she’s single but has a soft spot for me. We talked some more on the phone and she came round.
The night was one of the best I’ve ever had, we got on better than anything I’ve ever had with anyone and it was very mutual. We had a great time, supported her talking through her problems and it felt like it was always meant to happen with us, the best bond ever and discovering what wonderful people we thought each other were. She stayed the night after a few more hours (sorry for the details but may be relevant to anyone who knows the science/psychology of attachment better than me) and we had some of the best intimate experiences ever. Type that last 4 hours with climaxes every few minutes. She was shocked but very happy and everything seemed perfect. This one off then lasted the week as she stayed 6 nights on the row. I’ll shorthand each days events after this to keep it shorter but I’m giving as much detail as possible to figure this out.
Day 1. We both said we’d had a great night but she said she’d felt really ill later that day. She reiterated she’s got too much going on and getting serious would freak her out. Once I’d said I wanted to be there for her through everything though she was happy. After saying she wanted a cuddle and was fed up and kinda missed me she drove 60 miles back after her sis in the hospital to stay again. Another great night same as first, though a few times she mentioned she loved me during the night before taking it back.
Day2. She was overthinking things were out of her comfort zone but happy. Just said it can’t go anywhere with how things were but had started seeming like she wanted it to. She said she cares but thinks I’m going to get feelings and hurt. But then said she meant it when she said she loved me just in a thinks I’m amazing and caring way right now and our connection. She then said a lot of plans she thought I make for the future.
She went for a few drinks and we argued because she thought I’d been possessive when I offered to pick her up, due to being in a controlling relationship before apparently but she demanded I come get her and work things out which I did and we worked things out to another nice night. No intimacy though as just put her to bed. She apologised for thinking badly of me.
Day 3. Normal day but her mum stopped her to ask what’s going on and suggested she needs a break from relationships. She then says wants to take me out and treat me soon before I got home from work and she was already waiting outside to stay even though she said she probably wouldn’t earlierd,ordered takeaway before another similar epic night in.
Day 4. She stopped to have the conversation with her mum about being with someone but was sad after the don’t get in a relationship speak. Said she was down and didn’t know what to do but got home from work and she was waiting there again and stayed. She also showed me messages from her friends saying they approve of me so wasn’t much of a secret now and I thought she’s really looking at having me accepted round her whole life. Another night like the first, I had no idea how I was functioning on like 3-4 hours sleep a night at this point.
Day 5. I came up with a cup of tea to find out her ex had rung and was on the phone to her. Overheard her say…she’s happy with someone else now, I’m full of empathy and treat her great and it’s awkward as she’s at mine right now. Thought this was a great sign. Went into town to drop money off before work at bank and she said she thinks she’s falling for me before quickly covering statement. Told me she spoke to her mum about me and she thinks I now sound lovely and good for her. On my way home got a call asking what food would I order if she was near mine already followed by a sorry I wanted to see you message and turned up to another meal. The miss you texts were very regular now.
Day 6. I went to work and got a lot of suggestive messages before a message saying her ex had called then turned up at her house. He’d just drove up to it and then away but said how he wanted her back and had changed etc but she said no. Hardly heard off her but she was at her friends who had just had a baby and she was saying how she was stressed by it all. She was nice to him but told him firmly it won’t happen but felt confused after. She said it won’t change us but she still couldn’t pursue someone fully whilst she still had feelings for her ex. She went back to normal with the missing me messages for the rest of the night so I felt ok.
Day 7. She was in a bad mood cos an old ex messaged her but wanted pics of me to cheer her up so thought things looked good. After a load of flirty texts and telling me how she gets lost and feels like nothin else is around when she’s with me and saying all the things she wanted in future with me she then said the ex was non stop again.
He was begging turned up went away turned back up with flowers again. She said she spoke to him to make him realise it’s not happening but she was upset by it and him being distraught so obviously still has feelings and that he realised too late but he’s not said stuff like this before. They fell out later apparently and then just normal conversation about cars etc but said she’d have a quiet night to herself, was great but said she’s sorry if her being reminded of feelings upsets me. Me being soft and needy then messaged worried and spoke to her. Came across needy and needed reassuring but she was straight and honest and said she’s confused but nothings happening.
The next day I thought I’d leave her to it so I wasn’t overwhelming but didn’t hear like I normally would until later on when I just got told we need to talk.
A couple of days, plain texts and arranged meetings up later we met up at my house with me fearing she was back with the ex. She met up and after 20 minutes of not being able to say anything (which I found interesting as she comfortably delivered bad news to the ex) said we can’t carry on at the moment, she can’t go after someone whilst she has feelings. I asked was she back with him and she said no he’s still messed up and she’s a noted he’s only trying because she was with me but she can’t get with me with him keep popping up.
Extremely disappointed but said I know she needs to deal with that to move on as it’s so fresh. She told me how she thought I was perfect to her and that we’d have worked if he hadn’t been around, that we were so sexually compatible it was more than twice as good as anything she’d ever had every time. I said what happens now she said she’ll prob let him try to get them back together then fail and repeat til she gives up. I said to give me the first call when she does which she said she would. I also gave her her advent calendar I’d bought earlier the week before so hopefully she thinks of me in December lol I’d even write behind the last door merry Xmas with love which may be awkward now or may have a good effect lol she didn’t want to take it saying she’ll feel genuinely guilty every day but she did in the end. She also told me her ex wanted to kill me and did I feel like that to which I said no. One thing surprised me I asked had she missed me the second week and she said no she’d been too confused to think of anything but missed me all the time the week before.
I did get a message with a funny message she said was to make me laugh and then an apology if I thought she messed me round too around 2 hours later which I thought showed she cared.
Sorry about the shorthand and ramble but wanted to give everyone full perspective.
From the beginning it felt like this was a one that got away scenario for both of us and we dove right in as it felt better than both expected til the ex turned back up and I feel clouded her judgement before the real feelings manifested though I do think hearing her say she loves me most days when she wasn’t thinking means they had started cultivating at least.
I just really want this girl back, she treated me so well during and was totally honest throughout even the bad end bit. She genuinely only likes relationships so doesn’t like to juggle people and has a lot going on. I miss being there for her as I really helped most nights. I can’t convey how well we got on as we’re both very unique personalities but seem like two peas in a pod.
Any insight into what next I would be so grateful for and how this resolves.
A few things I’d like to make clearer to myself are:
How much chance of her coming back?Especially as the feelings, butterflies, love talk etc were present before.
I hate to be crude but I always hear how orgasms are the key to a woman’s love or attraction off many people so wouldn’t the fact that we’d had so much of that (she’d prob had over 100 by the end of the week) harbour very likely attachment and the inferior quality with the previous partner not make a difference in her returning or changing her mind with him? Or at least wouldn’t it mean a strong attachment to me regardless at that extent.
Is there anything I can do?
Obviously the ex is angry about me and knows so this would almost certainly doom the relationship wouldn’t it due to insecurity and jealousy? Any idea of timelines for it.
How can it go from someone who is clearly very emotional being there every second I’m free and missing me after 5 minutes to nothing, or is this just covered or going to come out later when her pressure subsides?
Obviously for the week to happen like it has it has to be mutual, I can’t imagine not having the attachment after something like this with most instigated by her and we’re very similar personalities, am I wrong in thinking she won’t really be as comfortable in this as it seems? I just can’t fathom how someone’s 100% in and then not overnight
Is it possible she’s gone just to deal with what’s holding her back on her own and should I expect her to return at a later date?
Thanks for any help and sorry if it’s written terribly, no sleep and stress is a killer.