somebody.. i need solution - i cheated on him.

reconciliation
1

I had 4 years r/s with my ex bf. He is 5 years younger than me. But age was not a factor. He stayed with me tgt for this 4 good years. Day in day out. We had a great bonding with each other and i had a good r/s with his family too. But things happened to me prior our wedding month. I broke his trust and had a fling with a random guy that happened to gave me attentions i needed at that time. It was my silly mistake i let it happened and let him crossed over the line. My ex found out and moves out. He told me his parents against us being together. I know he is like a man child. But deep down i know he still missed me. He cancelled our future house. He told me as long as his parents are not giving their green light ,he cannot be with me. We are just being friends as he said to me. I did in out for my NC but i failed many times during this 3 months of depression period. He still sometimes will text me for bringing me food and asked me want to go for meals nearby. He told me if i need him ,he would be there for me . Or if Anytg i need to relate to him. His actions confused me, everytime he sees me in my house he get aroused by me. And he was being very physical that lead me to please him on bed. I did this bcoz i love him so much. As much as i also have my own desire on him.
What shd i do ? I know what is done is done . He knows i am sincere into getting back with him. But he made me pending by asking me to move on but still being touchy as friend. I am confused how to move on,coz we are in good talking terms and i texted, he still replied and not ignoring me.

He kept telling me about me changing for Christ etc… and he mentioned he is being paranoid if he gives me chance in the future i would forgotten my hardship and fall back to being unfaithfulness towards him. I know how much i had learned from this encountered. I dont have any other guys now because i am still hoping for him to reconcile with me. Please help what should i do ? Active NC or semi Nc? I am getting so stressed up and emotional of this. I am so tired but yet feel so useless and pointless. My soul is not in peace and often miss him much. I feel lonely ans often get sick due to unresolved feelings.

Please help me ,guys. I really dont understand guys thinking.
Not playing any games from my part. Just want to reconcile and start afresh with my ex. Thank you for replying to me.

2

@miracleartz

 You may not receive many helpful replies on this topic simply because you don't deserve him. You are exactly why men don't trust females and no longer believe in love. With this being said, you must now transform yourself into a symbol of hope for future relationships. Meaning you must cut off every friend that he has ever been suspicious of, rid yourself of every tool that you used to find men, and starts acting like a faithful woman.

 I want you to assume that this happened to you. What extent would you go to before allowing him back into your love life? Before you comment, I already know the answer; You wouldn't. Because you would think that he is a scumbag who has been cheating on you from day one, and is probably still fornicating with other women as he is begging for you back. 

 So before I give you a sign of hope (and I'm going to, don't worry) I want you to list qualities about yourself that he loves; and I also want you to list qualities about yourself that he and yourself dislike. Notice how I did not ask you to list qualities about yourself that you are fond of, because at this point nothing that you like within the relationship matters, because you must cater to him and make up for the eternal pain that he will continue to feel, regardless of if he accepts your return in the end.

 After you have made this list of likes/ dislikes, I want you to prime the things that he likes about you and make him LOVE those qualities. As for dislikes, during your period of no contact I want you to be able to erase those flaws and overcome them. You must work hard and let him have space / time to heal. Do not contact him first, but when he contacts you always answer. Do not get sentimental and emotional unless he asks for your opinion or tells you he loves you. Even if he does keep the conversation light heart-ed and remind him of why he fell in love with you. He didn't fall in love with you because you simply told him "I love you", he fell in love with you because he exploited positive qualities in which you revealed about yourself.

 Also, it would be of great respect to return the favor I've done for you by reading and thoroughly commenting what you feel about my story. Thank you!

https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/is-she-trying-to-make-me-jealous-is-he-a-rebound-what-do-i-do/