Should I stick to NC in this stiuation?

no-contact-rule
1

Hi… really don’t know if I should start no contact or not here. please help!

A quick summary of my situation

Me and my girlfriend were serious/planning to get marry soon(not engaged). She has a strong personality and really like comparing me to her rich ex-s. She try to “compensate” by being sweet and say “she doesn’t mind lowering her living standards to be with me”

We argued a lot in March and I feel i wasn’t being respected. I cheated on her (I know i was wrong and really regretted it) but she found out by looking at my computer. I was mad by her looking at my computer so I broke up with her. She didn’t want to break up at that time but I insisted.

After 2 days I regretted and we met up. I wasn’t the most sincere -I was blaming her for not respecting me. She was angry but in the next month I apologized a million times and sent lots of personalized gifts. I send her a photo of us every day (with letter) in the past month. We still “date” 1-2times/week (and had sex twice) and we go to church every week. I went to counseling(alone), partly to show her I really “changed”. She is thinking about getting back but is unsure - she was hot&cold but is also seeing other boys. She said she need to “see change” in me and think it would “take a long time”. Last Saturday I mentioned maybe we should stop seeing each other (trying to use the no contact method) but she said she still want to see me as she want to give me a chance and want to “see changes” in me so I agreed to her. We met up for church on Sunday but I have not contacted her at all for 2 days now.

Should I still stick to this no contact method on her and how long should i use it? Should I still take her/ go with her to church every Sunday? Or should I continue to date her like once a week?
Should I stop sending her any gifts/ photos/ letters? She mentioned she has been absorbing these positive memories and is slowing getting more comfortable with us - although I stopped sending her these photos 2 days ago (I have send these to her every day in the past month)
What is the chance of her getting back with me? I feel she is slowing warming up more in recent dates as she allow me to hold her hand in more private places (e.g. beaches, car parks) but more distanced in public places like malls. Sometimes she said I should be “doomed for life for cheating on her” but sometimes she said she miss me and ask to just give her some time to heal. We also had sex twice in the past month as I brought her back to my flat to hang but she won’t commit to being together. She still see other boys as a “revenge” on me cheating on her but she said she had not found one she like so far

2

I’m no expert, and in a similar situation myself (female, got dumped in short because I didn’t have any self confidence and basically became a hermit who didn’t try).
I’ve been using the no contact rule for the first time and it worked almost immediately, then it drove him absolutely nuts. He’s taken it out on me, begged for me etc. I find every time I break no contact, I regret it for some reason. There’s one moment, one experience that I could have done without, or he could have, that set us back. No contact exists so widely for a good reason. You both need time to heal and forget the hurt on BOTH sides. You are showing her loyalty and change but it’s for her sake and joy your own. You are still focussing YOUR life on her, and she feels it deep down. Of course she likes the gifts, the doting, the attention, because you don’t want anyone else right now! She’s got the best of both worlds, she strings you along while seeing what else is out there. You made a mistake, you regret it, but it was a choice and you made it for a reason. Give yourself time to heal and see what else is out there while you are at it! Have some new experiences, meet new people, even date (very tough one for me as I’m painfully monogamous) but the best things in life do not come easily and the only way to change yourself is to experience change. Put yourself in the new tough situations and overcome, you will feel better about yourself and the “no contact period” will be over before you know it! By then you will have been honest with yourself and your feelings (and so would she) and you can decide what and who you REALLY want. (And so will she) you can re initiate and re ignite if it’s right. But you may surprise yourself and move on happily, and no one would blame ya! There’s so much to experience in this world, wouldn’t it be a shame to hold on to something(or someone) that was holding you back from being the best you that you can be? I WISH I had learned this sooner, I’ve been heavily depressed for 5+ years and absolutely lost confused and frustrated. After researching this approach, and many other things I started to become comfortable with myself, and accept myself FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I KNOW THAT I AM WORTH THE SPACE I TAKE AND THE AIR I BREATHE! And my ex? Kicking and screaming and miserable. I’ve had a few talks with him and tried to help him, he’s still in the same headspace as I had been for years, no one else can tell you how you can be happy, you have to feel it for yourself.
I can guarantee at this point she won’t forget about you or move on, (how could she? All those sweet gifts) give yourself the time to move on for you (only you will know how long that is) you can always politely explain that you need to take some time for you and encourage her to do the same. It’s very tough believe me I know, but you have a fork in the road and the time to decide is now!! Continue to chase her and be in the position of forever making up you AND her will always be caught in the constant loop of your old relationship. She will always see the cheating side, and not the change. And you will always feel the guilt and be unable to free yourself. No contact is a favour to both of you and will help life keep moving while you (both) straighten up. You cheated for a (valid) reason, and she likely wasn’t appreciating you for her own (valid) reason(s) why fight to have that back? Fight for your OWN happy truth. The rest will follow.

Hilariously enough I’m about to make my own post, reading this, and replying has alone, helped me wittle down my questions, and focus on what I really want to know. So thank you! And I hope my reply has helped you, keep us posted! (And feel free to comment on my post when it shows up) we are all in the same boat with similar struggles, and the main point is it ended for a reason, fix you, focus on honesty and integrity of that is what you seek <---- this can only involve you, if you fix you for her you aren’t fixing you with integrity. You will wind up back in the same place in some way if you do not take the chance with the new knowledge and power you possess. Don’t waste another minute!

Good luck (although I know you don’t need luck) stay focussed and positive. Be honest and true. Your life is waiting.

3

I think you should definitely start the NC! Which means no talking, no hanging out, no sending pictures!!

To me it sounds like you’re being so nice to her and doing all these things to get her back! STOP! It’s only going to show her that that’s all you want (surely it is but she can’t know that). Why keep dating her once or twice a week, when she tells you, she doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you right now?

What you guys are doing right now, isn’t going anywhere. You need to stop ALL contact for at least 30 days and give yourself and her time to heal AWAY from each other! That’s my advice.

She needs to realize what it’s like to LOSE you too!!! And you’re not showing her that by sending daily love reminders.

4

thx lisaaa

I had done NC for 5 days now and we had zero contact.

  1. What I am worry about - is that because she told me that she still wants to see me and want to “walk through” this improvement process with me together - but I suddenly disappear out of no where - would she think I have completely given up?

I did mention right before I started NC - that maybe we should stop seeing each other (or at least for a while). But she insisted that she still wants to see me, because if she doesn’t see me, see won’t be able to “witness” the changes/ improvements I made. She said, even after NC, she won’t suddenly realize I changed so it would not be useful. She then went on about why I wanted to give up seeing her as she is just starting to notice changes in me and absorbing from the letter and photos I sent her that how special we were. I did agree to keep seeing her at the end although instead I started NC.

  1. It seem to me that she already started to open up to me - so I don’t know if NC is still necessary? If it is necessary, should I still stick to 30 days or can cut it shorter etc?

  2. she said she is dating other boys - there are a lot of guys interested in her (which i believe so). She said she haven’t found one that she like yet (and dating them remind her how happy we were) but she might sooner or later find one that she is happy with. Since she haven’t found a new boyfriend yet - if I do NC now would it force her into finding someone new? (since she is not very independent and need to be with someone who can entertain her all the time)

5

Honestly, you said she’s not independent. Why would you want to be with a girl, who’s going to be so interested in TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE?? Don’t you see? She’s trying to replace you, if she can’t, she’ll go back to you. Thus… Making you Plan B??

You really wanna be her second option?? Why do you still want to be with her? It doesn’t make sense?

In my personal opinion, I would show her what it’s like to miss you. NC for 30 days ALL THE WAY.

You said you’re scared that she’ll move on and find a new BF in this 30 days… NO SHE WONT. If she does… Then that’s insane and stupid , and then you’re better off without her anyway. If she really cares about you, she couldn’t get over you that quickly.

Don’t ever settle for being someone’s plan B.

6

thx lisaaa and blinded melon for your kind words and advices

indeed I have become calmer after 6 days of NC now…I was super depressed in the first few days…

I think she go see a lot of guys just to have her “revenge” on me because it’s kind of her personality to revenge on these things so it’s “fair to her”…I really hurts me to hear her say these things but I still do love her so much and we broke up so I have not right so say anything…

and i just don’t want her to think I suddenly “gave up” after a month of constant contact after the break up…

7

To me it sounds like you both were saying some toxic things to each other that may have been damaging your connection with one another. I would say absolutely begin the no contact. You both need space to process your feelings and to miss each other.

8

Would NC actually hurt the chances of us getting back together>

I had the 7 days of NC now - even today is Sunday and she would usually ask if we want to go to church together but we still have 0 contact. I saw her Facebook (I know I shouldn’t) - she seem to be doing something else rather than going to church. Did she think I completely gave up?

I am in a dilemma now - should I end NC early or should I keep the 30 days of NC?

3 reasons for me to keep in NC is 1) I am actually away for 1 week for business trip so I won’t be able to see her anyway for at least 7 more days; 2) I have a professional exam in early Jun (which she also knows) and contacting her might distract me from my revision etc - which it has already did. The exam actually falls on approx. the 30th day so it would make sense for me to break NC after
the exam. 3) I still miss her/ feel depressed/ feel guilty sometime so maybe I still cannot completely control my emotions in front of her. Although I am drastically better vs. a week ago already

Reasons for me to break NC early: 1) we had some good rapport built up just before the NC so I don’t want that to be gone during the NC period; 2) I don’t want her to think I gave up completely because she said “why would I give up so early” when I suggest that we should cut contact for a while

So the questions is should I keep NC for 30 days or should I cut NC next week (after 14 days)? Cos I am afraid too long an NC would actually hurt the chances of us getting back together (would it?)

9

From my friend’s experience, NC helped her and her husband to reconcile. It is hard, but the result is amazing. Gave me inspiration to stay with NC.
All the best

10

So I broke NC after 14 days as I feel I am not needy/ insecure anymore and am ready to move on if absolutely necessary. I texted her on Saturday and followed up with a quick call to invite her to church on Sunday. At first she asked me why i haven’t talked to her for 2 weeks - I said I told her I want us to focus on our own healing before I started NC. But she said she didn’t hear that…
She went on to ask how I was and I wanted to keep the call short so I said why don’t we talk on Sunday. She said she had to wakeboard with some friends so she might not be able to make it. i told her to just message me if she can make it so I can pick her up.

She then insist on asking what I had been up to - I don’t want to sound rude so I talked a bit about the church, fellowships, counseling and the relationship books I read and the mistakes I realized I made and the improvements that I made etc. She asked if I still love her and I said my heart for her haven’t changed since the start despite I did something wrong (that I cheated) although I will move on if she don’t want to pursue our relationship and I just want her to be happy

She then went on to say that she is actually “seeing some guy” but she was not happy as she is really missing me a lot. She realized that we are the perfect couple and she knows she cannot find someone like me(that match perfectly with her) ever again as she had known so many boys… but she cannot get over the feeling that I cheated despite she is 100% loving/support for me (of course I didn’t confront her on the hurtful actions she did before) so she is still very confused. And said why I did that to ruined her life and she has lost trust in love etc…She got emotional and started crying for a bit. Although I was very hurt that I hear that she is seeing some other guy (probably a rebound?), I tried to act cool and said I am sorry for my actions in the past and I am now making all these improvements and I okay with the rebound and I will just focus on my own healing.

She also asked if I still think we are compatible (in terms of character) and would be able to be together long term and I said I know I had misunderstood some of her actions in the past so I think we are still compatible and would be even happier together if we are together again

We ended up talking for 40 minutes and at the end I told her to text me if she can make it to church and ask her to find me later when she’s ready. and she ask why it has to be her finding me cos I broke up with her in the first place… I said you are seeing some other guy and I want to focus on my own healing

I texted her again on Sunday to ask if she can make church and she said she cannot but suggested to go tgt next Sunday and I suggested the 5pm session and she said ok and I didn’t reply her since…

I know I probably revealed too much of my feelings to her but I didn’t know what to say when she ask me questions like do I still love her etc…and I don’t want to make her think I completely gave up. What should I do now? Keep NC until next Sunday? How should I be acting during church on Sunday? And what after?

I was a little bit depressed hearing about the rebound but I think I recovered now… What should I do about the rebound? I didn’t ask any details about that guy at all as I want to look cool about it…How should I treat this? Should I act like I don’t know he existing when I see her next Sunday?

She said she still misses me so much and that we are perfect together but she is seeing some other guy…what is she really thinking? What should I do? If she keep on dragging on like this when should I give up? Any signs to know that she’s just dragging me on?