So… here’s the backstory to this whole thing…
She (24) broke up with me (31m) a little over a month and a half ago. Her reasoning was that she was depressed and couldn’t be in a relationship and take care of herself at the same time. Along with the “It’s not you, it’s me…” “If the timing were different…” etc. During the breakup I did just about every negative emotion possible. I begged and pleaded. I got angry and started throwing away mementos of our time together while she was still in the room. I very angrily told her “You can’t change your mind!” and she started to cry. When she was about to leave I yelled out “Babe!” and went to hug her. Then a few hours went by and I texted her “I hope you can figure out how to love yourself as much as everyone else does.” Over the next week, I sent a bunch of sad-ish texts and emails her way. She responded nicely to them.
Then, after about four more days of not contacting her I saw her at work. When she saw me she said “you look good” and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Made it through the whole work day feeling pretty good about myself. I gave her the rest of the stuff she left at my house, and we parted ways with a long hug. I went home and took care of some things. She ended up texting me as soon as she left work, saying “I want to thank you for being nice to me today. Thank you for understanding my decision, even if you disagree.” So… up until that point I had been doing everything right. I got emotional in my responses to the text… and then things slowly progressed south over the next month.
A few days after, I started texting things like “If your depression is pushing me away, I’m not going down without a fight… if it’s you, just say it and I’ll walk away.” She eventually responded, gave me a real answer, she didn’t see a future with me and she doesn’t want a relationship. She felt like she had to take care of me too much, and motivate the both of us, and she couldn’t keep doing it… by this point I already knew that, and I’d started to make changes. I had moved out of my house and got my own car, started applying for new jobs (I got an offer for one of those today btw, it’s been hard not breaking NC to tell her about it.) Anyways, I spent a few days not talking to her and then, following some bad advice, called her up to apologize for my behavior (not giving her space) and ask if she wanted to catch up over the weekend. She said she didn’t want to, because it hadn’t been enough time for her to separate what we used to be.
Later that night, I started asking questions about the breakup, being super annoying with “But I’ve changed so much… look what I did…” and it eventually devolved in to me sending a slew of long angry unanswered texts over the night. Saying things like “You took the easy way out, you just run away from everything when it gets difficult” and “Maybe you felt like you had to care so much and motivate me because you didn’t want to focus on your own issues.” and “I have to make myself hate you to get over you.” It was really bad. The next morning I was super embarassed, and I started being overly apologetic and forgiving. These texts lasted over a week… with a couple days spread between each one. I finally sent a real apology, fully acknowledging the extent of my behavior as “manipulative, angry, emotionally abusive, etc.” and she responded “I’ve accepted your apologies, I know you’re a good guy, that was never in question, but the incessant texting needs to stop… It’s getting to the point where I’ll have to block your number. The more you text me, the less I want to consider being friends with you. Take care of yourself.” So… I did. Actually, I started seeking help for my emotional issues after sending off the first batch of angry texts.
After the apology, a few days later, it was mother’s day. She lost her mother a few years back. I think it contributes to her depression, and a big regret of mine is not doing enough for her on her mother’s birthday. After going back and forth for a while… I sent her a message. Don’t know how it was recieved, because she read it but didn’t respond. I just said “wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today and I hope you’re okay.” That was it. Wasn’t trying to start a conversation or elicit a response. And that was the last time I reached out to her. It’s been 10 days now of NC. I’m aiming to go for 30+ A few days ago, I noticed she deleted all of the pictures of us from social media. I’m not too worried about that.
We work in the same place but we haven’t seen each other in about a month now. In two days, we’re working together on an eight hour shift. I was called in last minute by my boss who has other commitments, and offered time and a half, or else I probably would choose not to with her. Assuming she shows up, my plan is to present myself confidently, and be polite, but not too friendly. Not cold and distant, because I want to seem happy (I kinda am). Keep discussion strictly to work, and keep to myself during the down time where casual conversations usually happen. I’m not too worried about my mood with seeing her. I recently got some new I’m very happy about and my attitude has shifted slightly from “I want you back so bad, please give me another chance!” to “You better hop on this train soon because it’s leaving the station!” My worries are: What if she starts being friendly with me? What if she is super cold and distant the whole time? What if she warms up to me over the eight hours and feels like she wants to talk after? And obviously… Have I completely fucked this up already?
