Second Time

reconciliation
1

Hi all, especially Patrica, I have been here before so maybe you’d be able to find my last one from about april.

Basically my girlfriend of 2 years at the time (April) broke up with me because I wasn’t around enough, didn’t spend enough time with her and her children etc, I was desperate for her back, I knew my mistakes, she wasn’t having any of it, we got to the point towards the end of May where we swapped belongings back, I blocked and deleted her off everything (still heartbroken). About 10 days later she pulled up next to me at a set of traffic lights, a few nice words were said and we got chatting on the phone later on that evening. We started getting on well, eventually the 4 of us (2 children) started doing family things again, we had a talk about what would need to change and got back together, I was the happiest guy in the world, I had got myself a new stable job which I like, when we broke up before she said there was nothing wrong with me just that she wanted more of my time. After we got back together I wasn’t going to mess it up, I worked and spent the rest of my time with them like a family, even taking her children to the park, for food, out without her for her to relax etc, I was back in love, she was back to her happy self and things were amazing, talk of a baby, house and she eventually got it out of me that I had bought her a ring, just needed the right time and place to ask, life was good.

She broke up with me over nothing this time, I left her alone and she text everyday and after 4 days we were back together, I just thought it was nothing because she initiated all the contact and just put it down to her having a bad day when she said it, so all was good again.

Towards the middle of August things started getting not so good, she was being distant towards me, not wanting to see me as much, making any tiny disagreement which couples have into a big deal, I hung in there, I missed her so much before, I didn’t want to spoil the apple cart so to speak, I put up with it, I booked time off to take her children to school on their first days back with her as she asked, paid half for the trip we took them away for for their birthday, I also paid half for all of the birthday presents, I was hanging on in there, treated the kids like my own, I loved her and them, I felt like she wanted it over but didn’t want to be the bad person to do it…I put up with being treated like a doormat for 6 weeks, not being allowed to go and see them, always having excuses not to spend time with me, it hurt me…after 6 weeks she turned another tiny thing into a big deal, I broke, I said I think it’s best if we break up, she said ok, not what I wanted but I accept it, there was no fight for me…it is coming up to 6 weeks, I have asked if I could keep contact with the children and she says she doesn’t know because it’s not fair on them missing me and then seeing me, I told her that they won’t need to miss me because I will never let them down and be there for them.

I have left her alone a few times and she will send me photos of them, feels like an excuse, sometimes I initiate and she replies, after a month, she let her children phone me, it was amazing, I thought we were getting somewhere, but she says she is still so angry with me, I love her and want her back but what I don’t get is, why is it on her terms if I speak to her or them, why hasn’t she cut me off completely?? I don’t understand why she is so ‘hurt’ but hasn’t been interested in my efforts to build bridges and reconcile?? She just seems so cold and distant, why was it ok for her to break it off with me but when I do it I’m the worst person, it seems to me it’s what she wanted and got me to do it so she can stand firm on it now and make me feel guilty and at loss.

She asked for her money back last week after not hearing off me for a few days which I sent immediately and we have arranged to meet up a week today to swap the rest of our belongings.

Where do I stand, what do I do from here on in, just hurts so much,I want her and them back, this time I know I gave it my full 100%.

Thank you all in advance for taking the time to read it (especially Patricia).

2

@DRL123 It’s amazing to me that you two had a talk about what would need to change and then got back together and yet not much has changed on her part. What were you each willing to change and agreed upon?

You bent over backward to try and please her and yet it still wasn’t enough! I’m sorry to say, but from what you’ve written, she’s not a stable person and the relationship was toxic for you because of the way she treated you! First she complained you weren’t around enough and weren’t supportive, then when you stepped up to spend more time with her and the children, she wasn’t satisfied or appreciative…

It seems everything is on her terms because she’s selfish and manipulative! She doesn’t cut you off completely because she wants to use you again for her own purposes!

I suggest you send her a message that you don’t want any further contact (messages, photos etc) for at least a month because you need time to contemplate the current situation and whether or not you want to continue.

I know you’re hurting, but you have to think of your own mental health and well-being. Please consider that you’ve given 100% and she probably won’t change. She would continue to treat you badly and not care about your feelings or needs… It saddens me very much to say you would be better off without her and the children. They will adjust to your absence, but if you were to continue with them (when “she” allows it), you would still not be in a loving relationship with “her” and it would hurt you even more. You have a chance to make a fresh start in an attempt to eventually find a nice lady who you could love very much and who would love you too, thus a chance to have a happier future!

The hurt/misery will take time to heal, but for your own best interest, I hope you carefully/seriously think over what I’ve said. You seem like a very nice guy and you don’t deserve to be treated so badly!!!

3

Hi Patricia,

Thank you so much for the reply, well we chatted, but because I wanted her back so much, I never seen any of her flaws to change, it was me that needed to give more of my time which I did.

Yeah I agree, I won’t sit here and lie, before I didn’t spend enough time but once we got back together, I have nothing to feel guilty about or from my point of view anymore that I could of done to make it work. You say the same as all my friends, she is either staying in contact from time to time to either keep hurting me or just in case.

Yes I can’t argue with you there, as much as it would hurt me not to see them again, it is out of my control, she would still tell me she loved me before the break up but to me that was just words, love is a doing or a showing word from my point of view.

I will definitely take your advice, I have even said that I would like things to be sorted but to no avail.

Thank you so much for the reply and advice and I will keep you updated on anything else that happens if that is ok,

Thanks again.

4

@DRL123 Chatting doesn’t seem to change a thing! She’s using you and I hope and pray you will come to understand that… Tell yourself that you deserve much better and believe it because you do!! Her “flaw” is that she tries to manipulate you into doing what she wants and obviously doesn’t love you! Please stop torturing yourself by interacting with her! Cut yourself free from the insanity of the situation. The sooner you do, the better you will feel in the long run. Someday you will meet someone wonderful and have children of your own…