Really need some help guys

reconciliation
1

First of all, Like most of you I researched and looked for some form of hope. Also while certain things ring true I cant 100% apply to my situation.

What you will read next is pretty much the jist of the break up. I have actually purchased the EBP pack and working through it. I have also started some therapy to work on my issues. But here is the kicker… out of all the info given and advice nothing is really out there for the guy who went full on hounding their ex leading them to be blocked on FB and Messenger. and then committing the ultimate betrayal… lost all trust and respect by snooping on her email account.

If your still reading here is the story…

My ex and I were together for just over 2 years. We actually had a little something 20 years ago and would always talk about that with great memories and i believe that also pulled us together. Everything was great and i knew she held looked up to me. We shared a lot and went through a lot together. Sadly due to my own insecurities and maybe even anxieties, I would often lash out verbally or create situations to make me become the center of attention again, even if it was in a negative and needy way.
These outburst were not all that frequent but enough to make her think.

Our life was good as I worked away having 2 weeks at work then 2 weeks at home, so we had our own time and space. And time apart to miss each other. Then Just before Christmas I was laid off and became depressed. So we were living in each others pockets things became tense, and very mundane. She even suggested space back in Jan this year, to which i took badly and did not give to her. While she even then stressed she loved me and did not want us to split up.

Then I felt unwanted as i could tell emotions where changing and feeling less of a man due to circumstances with the sense of impending doom on the horizon, it really made for some awkward times for us both.
One morning she left for work gave me kiss and said “see you later love” yet within a few hours we were texting about how things have changed and later that eve she told me that her feelings are no longer there and she did not know what she wants anymore and cant see a future. Again I took that bad and pleaded with her that things will get better as by now I had a new job and was about to have our lives back and be back in that 2 weeks on 2 weeks off routine. But she refused to acknowledge and said it wont change as she knows her mind. She then moved out for 2 days until i left for work. While working away I could not grant her the wish of space and hounded her. tormenting myself over social media and who is she chatting with.

Few more weeks have past and only just managed to go into no contact after be blocked by everything apart from text.

But I am ashamed of my actions as i knew her email and i snooped. I know this has damaged all trust she may of had. and yes… i had seen certain things I wish i did not see. while also seeing she had joined dating apps back in Jan. However… As i have been doing much research I know that as she never once completed her profile or reached out, she would of been testing her feelings.
Even these things i’ve seen on her email, while being much more recent (last week) I also know that the person she had been chatting with and doing whatever with media, is nothing to her and they have not met up and she don’t wish too. As I understand she had seen that as a distraction form both me hounding her as well as all that is going on in the world with Covid as she has anxieties about her son.

I took a few days out to let her calm down. and while i know it was wrong I reached out to tell her how sorry i was and that I understand her side of the breakup now. (which i do) and that i getting help with my issues (which i am)

She told me she is pleased I am getting help and that we have peace between us. But to now give her no more contact and leave her alone as she wants to move on, which i will respect.

Not sure if things will be sent or if we will have to talk/meet again as I have all my things at the house still. As Covid-19 has prevented me going back there. But this too makes things hard as I have genuine concerns over hers and her sons health as she is part of the NHS at GP surgery.

I know i now need to re commence the NC rule and to carry on with my self improving, and do so for me.

Yet even knowing all this and knowing 1 way or another I will be ok at the end of all this, I am looking for some kind of comfort in hearing that all is not lost. or to be told its done.

Either way feel a little better just getting it off my chest.

2

To anyone who is reading this.

While it could be too little too late, I advise you to ready the book “5 languages of love” in a very short time I have understood my anxieties and insecurities, over why i was feeling unloved. Sadly I realised that she was expressing her love for me in a different way that i did not understand.

This the fact I am using this lock down to self improve and to seek online help with a therapist, will be helpful if/when I reach out to her, as will show that I have improved myself and knowledge on understanding where we where going wrong.

But the no contact will help me gain the strength to be able to reach out (again if i wish to) and also the strength to be told she has no interest in working things through.

I just wish I know of all this during the initial stage of the break up instead of going crazy. As Was so caught up in thinking why would she be so sure its over. Like most of you… I know this answer now. And should of had the strength and believe in myself and the relationship. As now I fear the hounding and even more so the snooping (even though in a way i did it just to feel close) has ruined any chance. Lets just see what 30-45 days brings

3

@lee1712 Invading her privacy by snooping through her email was a horrible thing to do! I hope she knows what you did and changed her email password!

You wrote:“I would often lash out verbally or create situations to make me become the center of attention again, even if it was in a negative and needy way.” Wow, any women would want to get away from a man who did this sort of thing. So…I’m glad you’re interested in therapy for your insecurities and bad behaviors. Even if it’ just online…

Continue no contact as it’s the only way to give her space so she can start to remember the good times during the relationship.

Good luck.

4

Yes she was aware of the hideous thing I did.

I will add that I am not a mean or horrible guy, it just I let myself down now and then.

While I won’t try to take the edge of the phrase “lash out”, I will say it was never be saying anything derogatory towards her. More of a means of creating a situation, just so we have the chance after to “make up” and by that I mean with words, as her words of affection after would make me feel better. Again I know it’s not the right thing to do, and if online therapy is all I can do at the moment then it’s better than nothing. While selfishly I am upset as I’ve hurt her, I also need to concentrate on myself.

Just like most on here… I think we all reach out after some for of guidance and especially maybe comfort in being told “all is not lost”.

But no one can truly answer that

5

@lee1712 The mere fact that she stayed with you for 2 years is proof enough that she loved and cared about you. So… you creating “situations” as a chance to make-up and to hear words of affection to “make you feel better” is a pathetic and desperately needy type behavior! Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to stop and get those type of ideas and manipulations out of your head.

Yes, you disappointed and hurt her by not being the man she wanted to be with. But making self-improvements is the best thing you can do now! Become the sort of man she would be proud and happy to be with…

All is not lost if you can make positive changes. Maybe it will take some time, but it will be worth it:) Be patient. And whenever you “talk” with her, maybe let her know you’re taking steps to improve. Always be uplifting, sweet, respectful…

Women don’t want drama and misery, they want to be happy in a relationship! You’ve got a chance, so you need to grab it…

6

I totally understand everything you are saying!

Just wish I had stumbled across this site and also googled everything about the no contact when we first parted. While its no excuse, the fact she moved out that eve and then I had to go to another country to work certainly did not help. And we are all just human and make mistakes. But only now do I see that everything I was doing to try to show how sorry i was and wised for a different outcome, was the worst thing I could do.

I know that I have made things harder on myself by betraying her trust and snooping.

But all i can do now is continue with the no contact while understand my own behaviors and how to act differently, and hope that time will still help us both heal.

Thank you for your words, and no need to apologise for being blunt, as its what is needed.

7

I’m the bearer of bad news, so if you don’t want that, don’t read.

Remember, partnerships must help each other grow. With your current mental state, and your negative response to her initial qualms, she clearly could not do that for you. Either she could not sufficiently help you, or you could not accept it, but from what I’m reading, I suspect the former. As a woman, if she asks for space, and you don’t give it, then she should leave, or make you leave, and get that space. She needs to show you when the relationship is in danger that it is in danger. This is not to say she did anything wrong, only that she was not ready to help you grow in a relationship. With the snooping, you’ll need to give her at least several months to forgive and forget, but I personally would need at least a year. That’s why I say you should move on, for now. If it’s meant to be, you will cross paths again. Leave your stuff at her place though, unless you have essentials. You have burned the bridge to returning unless you actually have to. Focus on yourself! Sounds like you need it, and it’s always good, and may teach you to be happy without her!

8

@lee1712
I’m a little confused. You say she moved out, but you wrote:“Not sure if things will be sent or if we will have to talk/meet again as I have all my things at the house still. As Covid-19 has prevented me going back there.” So where are you and where is she? Are you far apart?

Are you still working 2 weeks on and 2 off?

Continue online therapy and no contact. But if she initiates a contact, be respectful and reply appropriately.

Wishing you luck!

9

Thats correct. We live/lived together. She told me about her feelings and that they had changed, and that she did not know if she could see a future or not.

She told me this 2 days before I was due to travel to holland for work for 2 weeks. As I was awaiting a hire car and also PPE to be sent to the house, it made it hard for me to leave for those 2 days and go to my parents home which is 300 miles away.

As it was then intense on both our behalves (she decided to move out to her parents just until I left for work)

I could not pack everything and take on the plane, so I packed for 2 weeks. We both knew at the time I would need to come and collect my things or at least maybe talk things through.

During my 2 weeks at work is when she finally said it was over. Thats when i “blew up her phone” with the needy pleading texts. No harsh or spiteful words, just pure raw emotion.

I was told (before the UK went into lockdown) it would be best for me to go to my parents when I returned.

Then the Lockdown was enforced… I panicked as my father is at high risk, I also could not book hotels due to them being closed. So I reached out in hope that we would “pull together” in times of need. She said no as would ask her ill me being there. Which i truly understood and never pressed her, so stayed for 2 weeks with my family. Thats when I snooped and angered her. I left it 5-6 days before apologizing, to which she said she was pleased I was getting help but please no more contact.

Its now a week since that exchange. I am now back in Holland starting my next 2 week shift. My belongings are still at the house.

While that means nothing, and I HAVE to stop second guessing. I was planning on no contact for the 30-40 days then just reaching out, and taking it from there thinking we could sit down at some point in the future. Or atleast I will be more in control of my emotions If i am told its 100% over and to collect my things, and even if she will not be present during that time.

I know I have messed up and like others I cant help but feel with time things will settle as she had such love for me in the past.

Part of me thinks that she might be talking to other guys on the internet so will not be missing me. Yet I also need to be mature enough to appreciate that me being out of her life is a relief at the moment and this time of NC might help things.

But I also have genuine concerns about hers and her young boys welfare as she works for the NHS. But I know asking after her will just strengthen her negative thoughts towards me right now. Same as the book 5 languages of love… Its so insightful that I wish to recommend it to her, but again I know that is not what I should do.

Anything else you wish to ask please do as guidance is very helpful.

10

@lee1712 What does the lock down in the UK have to do with you returning home from Holland? Do you always go to Holland during the 2 week cycle?

So now I’m supposing that she is at the house and when you return this time, you’ll go to stay with your parents which is 300 miles from the house? Is the house in your name or hers? Who was paying the mortgage?

I understand that you’re concerned for her and her son, but I’m sure she is doing everything she can to keep herself and son as safe and protected as she can. Is this a son by a previous marriage? How old is he? Was your relationship with her son a good one?

Yes, at some point after no contact you need to have a calm realistic discussion with her. You might ask her if there’s a possibility for reconciliation. Then you two could suggest what changes you each want to see in the other in order to make a reuniting happier in the future. You might even print out the main definitions of the 5 love languages and discuss it or give her the book.

Please try not to obsess about her talking to other men. She was with you for 2 years and she seems to still love and care for you…

11

Hi,
Thanks for replying.

The house is rented and solely in her name.

Her son is 5 from her previous marriage that ended a few months before we got together. He is also non verbal and slightly autistic (which she has many anxieties about)

The lockdown comes into play as when I go to my parents I then have to remain there for my full 2 weeks when off work.

I won’t say I’m obsessed with what she is doing or who she may or may not be talking too. I obviously found those Lewd pictures when I snooped. But I know 100% that the 2 of them have not seen each other for many years. As I know the guy was just a friend (from a group of friends) from her last, and that he also is in a relationship. I beleive her when she say it was a “distraction”. It’s no different to if I was to be talking to someone I’m order to try to forget, which I’m not.

12

@lee1712 Okay, I guess you’re from the UK. I’m in the United States and the virus is quickly spreading throughout the 50 states. Many stated, but not all, have “stay at home” orders from the various Governors, but it’s not nation wide…

Sorry to hear about her son, but many reach a high level of comprehension with good teachers.

OMG! Lewd pictures? Did he send them to her or visa versa? I’m assuming you’re all very young as that isn’t something most older/mature/wise people would do.

Take care and stay safe!

13

Yes in the UK.

Myself and her are both classified as essential workers. So I can travel when I’m due to work, and she unmutes daily.

Yes lewd pictures… it’s what I found when I snooped. I can only second guess things from there. What I do see though is they were sent before the break up. And he is attached with someone and apparently going through issues.

She said it was a distraction. So I am again guessing or atleast holding on hope (due to the dates they where sent) that this has now ceased and she was being honest when saying she has no intentions to meet him. I know she has not met with him due to living with her daily. And now the due to this virus no one can freely travel around.

Basically this guy is part of a circle of friends that is from her past bat the whole circle of friends still stay in touch.

What lead to the pics being sent, did she reply with her own??? I honestly don’t know but I assume so.

And no… we are both 38.

We should both currently be in the Maldives now on holiday, but I am back at work while she has taken time off to spend with her boy. (Family friend told me this)

Again due to research and talking I know someone can act out in these ways… to “push” their feelings. I am also well aware this could (again second guessing) lead to a rebound, and even if so I need to be calm or even believe it’s not the eve for us.

It’s only been a week since no contact started and I’m finding it hard.

Really don’t k ow if no contact is the wSy ahead, or if I should just give up any hope

14

@lee1712 So have you been living apart since about Christmas time 2019? That would be about 3 1/2 months, right?

Okay, the lewd pictures are in the past. Try very hard to forget it and the don’t obsess about the other guy either. You really don’t know what she is doing and don’t obsess about that either! Guessing is futile and a waste of time. None of that will help you, but only serve to build up frustration/anger/hurt/resentments etc…

Focus on self improvements. No doubt she is still upset with you about the snooping and it will take her time to cool down. No contact is a good idea because every time you contacted her so soon after the snooping, it would bring it fresh to her mind.

I understand no contact is very difficult, but it will allow her bad memories to fade. Then she will start to remember the 2 years of good memories and start to miss you:)

Focus on you for now, continue online therapy and maybe pick up a hobby if you don’t have one and/or do things you enjoy with maybe work friends.

No, don’t give up yet! Good luck.

15

We had a holiday over New Years.

Then Jan and Feb I was not fun to be around as got depressed. I had a few days away to attend a course (this could be when these pics happened) but I/we remained living together and in a relationship. We had a lovely valentines together and all seemed ok.
Then late feb was when we spoke about her feelings. Then I immediately returned to work. So it’s been 4 weeks since we split.

And while the pics where earlier in the year. I snooped just over a week ago. And was a week today that I sent my last message apologising for snooping, and for hurting her feelings. Granted the 2 weeks before that I was texting about reconnecting, which while she would reply it was never received (falling on deaf ears). while saying I’m seeking help and improving myself.

I was told she is glad I am getting help but to now “please no more contact”.

Part of me hopes (reading between the lines) that this is because she is hurting and don’t wish to talk incase heated words are said, or so she stays strong and not take me back (high defence). Also I know she is still angry, and hope that in time will calm.

16

@lee1712 OMG! You have to stop snooping! I know you apologized a week ago, but what are you going to do in order to resist the temptation to snoop again?? She needs to change her email password…

Stay no contact. If later on she agrees to reconcile, you must do everything you can to make her happy so you will be happy too. That means no awful behaviors that display depression. Be grateful for whatever you have and show it with occasional positive comments etc… negativity makes for more negativity for yourself and frustration for others. Nobody wants to live around a sad depressed person! Hopefully your online therapy will be helpful.

Yes, of course she’s still angry and I’m sure it’s been a relief to be living apart from you. But you can make things better in the future so that she would be happy to reunite.

17

Think wires are getting crossed.

Only snooped that once. And it was over a about 2 weeks ago. And what I found Was from February time. We spoke that night I snooped. I confessed and of course she was angry as I betrayed her trust. I imagine she would of changed her password, but have not attempted or wish to snoop now as I realised the error of my ways.

I gave her a week before I apologised, and while she accepted (obviously still annoyed) she also asked no more contact.

So no I am into the second week of no contact, and been working on myself both physically and mentally.

I think when I first wrote on this forum I was trying to find out if no contact will still have an effect on someone even when they are extremely hurt/angry from having someone be needy with texts then betraying trust by snooping

18

@lee1712 You wrote you snooped just over a week ago and you’ve apologized, so I don’t think the wires are getting crossed. I am just concerned you might try it again as I imagine the temptation is strong.

Yes, no contact will have an effect with a hurt/angry person (no matter the circumstances) as it gives her/him time to cool off and think of the better times. It’s also a good time during which positive changes can be made. But there’s no guarantee that the person will want to reconcile.

19

There is no longer temptation as The moment I did it the first time i know I had crossed the line.

thats the hard thing to take/understand/learn

Is I am learning what I did wrong in the past, and the reasons why I did them. As having the therapy.

Also through talking on here and also speaking to friends who have been through the very similar situations and while I take comfort in learning that for others all my not be lost and there was a happy ending for them. I does not mean that it will apply for me.

20

Starting to find things tough!
I know we all have different circumstances yet all are going through the same emotions.

I guess I made my own situation worse (for my mind) as 14/4/20 I broke no contact.

It was my mothers 70th birthday. (which my ex knew regardless)

I called my mother to wish her all the best, and during the call she get extremely upset as she thought she had received a card from my ex’s 5yr old boy (not mine) but she was wrong.

As I felt stronger in my mind, I decided to text my ex. I basically said that while she owes me nothing or my family nothing, and that having my folks stop contact and “unfriend” on facebook etc was harsh, but they did so as I asked them too, as I was not handling the situation well back then.

I mentioned that my mother was very sad as she is missing the boy, and that it was her birthday. And while there was no pressure on my side,or no hard feelings if she decided not to contact her, but my mum would appreciate maybe a text or something from the little boy.

I have no idea whether that message was ever received and I am not going to call to see if I have been blocked or not. HOWEVER later that day my mum told me that my ex did reach out to her and wished her happy birthday from her and her boy.

I know i should not, but its hard to not second guess as to did she read the message and contact my mother, or if she contacted her as she remembered it was her birthday. Also I need to understand that just because she reached out to my mother it has no resemblance on myself and its more simply she is a nice person who still cares about my family.

As the message had no talk about “us” or anything that required an answer, do I start again with no contact? Have a damaged anything with that message.

I guess while things seem to be getting easier, i still find certain time hard or sad even. As now and then I worry over the "what if’s about why i reacted initially over the breakup. also as she has not reached out to me, especially during these corona times, does that mean she is not thinking of me. Or even worse is she possibly texting others and already in a place where she is excited when her phone pings, meaning in her head she is far from thinking about me.

Going off the work pack and the guide it mentions methods of making contact again. Part of me is leading towards a letter. as think its more personal but also because i believe texts are now ingrained in her mind as I texted often after the break up, and a letter my catch her off guard.
Does the length of the letter mean anything? As while i read somewhere it should be a page. Part of me wishes to write more. Then content would not be about me or my feelings, but more along the lines of how I now understand everything and realize how she was feeling during the build up and the day we split and how me hounding her was unhealthy for us both. So a brief insight into my understanding and how I am improving myself and can be that man she deserves, in an attempt to get an opportunity to get a face to face with her, when I would then expand more on things.

As @patricia12 knows… some form of contact needs to be made at some point due to my belongings in her home. I wish to send a letter or manage some form of contact in order for whenever the face to face maybe, so its not strictly about collecting my things and we get an opportunity to talk regardless of the outcome of the talk