Here’s our background story: My ex-boyfriend and I dated for over 9 months. We are both in our mid 30s. We were doing long distance (2 hr plan ride) and saw each other every 3-4 weeks (taking turns). In the beginning he pursued me hard because he loves the chase and because I fit what he’s looking for in a partner. He is the typical player that liked to sleep around but he said he’s done playing and wants something more serious (even though he still has commitment issues). He also has a very demanding work schedule, works insane hours and only gets 4 (not consecutive) days off a month. He used to fly up to see me after working overnight for 36 hrs, only to spend 24 hrs with me. I’ve never dated anyone I was crazy about (always dated men that liked me more) so after a few months I let my guard down and started spoiling him like crazy. I cooked for him constantly, mailed him care packages, bought him presents (I’ve never acted like this in my past relationships). We had a great relationship where we had incredible passion, laughed constantly and had fun around each other. While we were dating, he called me every night without fail despite his crazy work schedule (until I went away for a month overseas). However sometimes we would fight about women from his past reaching out to him still, or other men around me, or me wanting more time and attention from him. I would pick fights because I miss him a lot but he always reassured me and said he believes in us. But I did feel I wanted more than he was able to give me. He is self-centered and always prioritizes work over me (which I’ve accepted), has a huge ego, but is insecure and very possessive. I went away overseas for a family matter and we talked less, mostly because our schedules didn’t match up. Then I flipped out on him the day before I flew back to the States because he didn’t call me, the fight escalated and he broke up with me. He said he’s been depressed because he feels like all he does is work (doesn’t exercise, see friends or family), and the extra stress was too much. I was stunned, didn’t see it coming and made all the mistakes I shouldn’t have. Before he dumped me, I never called him first but afterwards I called, texted, cried, begged for another chance even though he was lukewarm, and said he’s made up his mind. Clearly he was not a good communicator about his feelings during our relationship.
Then two weeks after I was back in the States, he flew to see me (after paying $1k for a last minute plane ticket despite his low salary) even though he insisted we were no longer together. We had a fantastic weekend, since I managed to not break down. We acted like we were together and still called each other honey etc. Because I was so calm, he told me some things that he had thought about leading up to the breakup that he never expressed. He said I spoil him too much, he takes me for granted, and I let him get away with everything. So he feels bored, and not challenged. If he stayed with me, he would become complacent, gain 20 lbs because I would not care. When he came up for the weekend he didnt bother getting his haircut to try and look good for me whereas he would have in the past. Meanwhile he said I look incredible for him. He knows I love him, but he said he’s concerned that after 9 months, he hasn’t said he loves me. He thinks he could love me but he’s not sure. Also, he doesn’t see himself getting married anytime soon in general and he thinks he’s too immature to be selfless in a relationship. In my heart, after a few months I knew that I would marry him tomorrow if he asked. He said I’m an amazing girlfriend, would be an amazing wife and any guy would be lucky to have me. He also said that I’m everything he’s looking for in a partner: gorgeous, smart, loyal, sweet, witty so it’s hard to let me go. I told him that I was never myself in the relationship because I only let him see the side of me I thought he wanted to see (never let him see my negative traits like being impatient etc). And I overdid things, was exhausting myself and could never have kept it up if we weren’t long distance. So I asked to start over again and let me show him who I truly am. He asked if that’ll really work, because he doesnt want to waste more time, so he didn’t want to give me an answer right away and wanted to think about it. Before he left he said he’ll miss me a lot and wants to come see me again. We made plans to spend his birthday together at the end of September. I still have his apt key and he has my belongings in his apt. Then after he got home, he texted me to say “Had an amazing time with u this weekend” and I replied “Next time you had better step up your game! None of this overgrown bush and same old shirt business :P” And he responded “Yes ma’am”
Of course I was so heartbroken and started reading everything on the internet on how to win him back. And from that day forward, I started no contact. I cannot believe I managed to hold it together for 30 days and not reach out to him but having hope helped. I went on a few dates, went to ballet more, lost a few lbs (being heartbroken helps), bought some new clothes, went on a weekend trip with girlfriends where I posted innocent photos of me having fun with guys and girls on Facebook.
On the 31st day, which was yesterday I texted him and said “I just tripped and nearly twisted my ankle walking. And I didn’t even have a double scoop at dinner:P” (On one of our dates, I made him buy me two scoops of ice cream and later walking home, I tripped while wearing heels and he blamed it on the 2nd scoop of ice cream). He texted back immediately “Who told u to wear high heels?” And when I didn’t respond after a few mins he said “U ok though?” And I replied “You would have no complaints if you saw me in person. But I see your bedside manner hasn’t improved” (He’s a doctor) Then he replied “Puuulease…U can always teach an old dog new tricks.” I didn’t write back because I wanted to control the conversation and had no idea what he’s talking about.
My dilemma is this, according to the plan (from various sources online), I’m suppose to text him a series of fun, positive things to remind him of our happy memories, make him jealous, compliment him, etc spaced a few days apart before I actually call him to ask to meet up. However I have his work schedule for September (he emailed it to me the day he dumped me) and I know he’s off this weekend, and also his birthday weekend at the end of September. I really miss him and want to see him this weekend. I’ve been really tempted to call him right away and there’s a good chance if I ask he’ll fly to see me or tell me to fly to see him. But do I have a better chance of getting him back for real, if I stick to the plan and send the series of texts over the next 2 weeks and wait 3 weeks to see him? And do you think I have a chance at all when he hasn’t reached out to me during no contact?
Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for your advice.
Thanks again for any advice!