Hi,
I’m 20 years old, English.
Me and my ex-girlfriend started dating when we 16/17 respectively. After the first year of dating she went to uni about an hour and a half away (which neither of us had issues with, we were fully committed to giving it a go). Over the three years, we’ve seen each other a fairly decent amount and shared a lot of amazing memories and experiences together. Then COVID came along. We didn’t see each other in person at all from March to end of May, nearly 3 months apart. After, we started meeting (abiding to the 2m rule). With various other issues going in life re: family issues, I believe I craved her attention more and more, becoming needy, annoying And as a result pushing her away, instead of trying to spend more time with her like I wanted. One day before our 4 year anniversary, she ended things, explaining she didn’t feel a connection anymore (just days before we were fine, saying I love you etc), we ended on very good terms (with a lot of tears) and will always be willing to talk to each other again. She claimed there’ll always be a chance to reconcile, but with her going to her Uni halls again (for her last year) and lockdown still being in place, I’m finding it so hard to work out how to prove change to her. I recognised I’ve got to work on myself, and I can be happy without her, but I’m absolutely sure she is the one, and she said the same for me. I can’t understand how connection just goes, and how to reignite it.
Thank you.
@hasaw When would have been the 4th year anniversary? What other reasons did she give for breaking up with you?? I agree it’s strange for her to say she doesn’t feel the connection anymore after 4 years of an apparently good relationship.
You wrote:“I’m finding it so hard to work out how to prove change to her. I recognized I’ve got to work on myself…” What do you need/want to improve? Did she ask you to change something?
How did you display needy and annoying?? Did you start displaying these negative behaviors prior to June or during June? And why exactly didn’t you spend more time together?
Real love doesn’t suddenly disappear! But if there are major problems within the relationship, love can fade over time…
@patricia12 it would have been the day after the break up (18th June). There weren’t really any other reasons, but she seemed to think it was best for me, and my happiness. I really think 4 months of no physical connection built up to this.
She never asked me to change anything, in fact she said I was an amazing guy, and that she didn’t want to do this, but she felt it was right to. I realised myself that I became needy and reliant on her for my entertainment (as Xbox and Netflix got progressively more boring). Another thing I really worked on is communication skills, I’d bottle up my emotions, then rather than talking to her, I’d almost push her away.
Before break up - I’d text her quite often, asking her to meet me and stuff, when this wasn’t really possible. I’d constantly reply instantly out of boredom, and get annoyed and upset if she didn’t reply for hours.
After break up - I text about 5 times over the course of 1.5 weeks, she replied each time - usually to discuss when she was back from uni so we could meet to talk again.
It was hard to spend time together due to U.K. lockdown And her living 1.5 hours away.
We both did truly love each other, and I am certain that this has come around purely due to the circumstances and unknown future.
Thanks,
Harry
@hasaw Since the breakup was June 17th, that means she wasn’t happy even after you started seeing each other in person at the beginning of June. So apparently you displayed your neediness during and after the shutdown. And how did you display neediness???
She thought breaking up was best for your happiness. In what way did you show unhappiness??
I don’t understand why you bottled up your emotions. This was a 4 year relationship…
Texting to much can be draining and a turn-off, especially if the other person is busy! And it’s unreasonable to expect someone to immediately answer your texts.
No physical connection for 4 months might have played a small part in her decision, but I think it had more to do with your negative behaviors. Someone who is happy in a relationship doesn’t break up just due to lack of physical closeness. Many military people remain faithful and in love even when the spouse is on duty in another country for an extended period of time…
So is she in her hometown now and then leaving to go to University in Aug or Sept?
Perhaps she is young and wants to experience freedom for a while. After all she was a young teenager during the relationship with you… And she did state there’s a possibility of reconciliation someday… But you can not “talk” someone into believing you’ve changed for the better. You need to show it in ways that are different and better than your previous words and actions.
I suggest you go online and find topics concerning good communication skills.
Without know more about how you behaved and why, I can only suggest you stop texting so much and start no contact for a few weeks. That will give her a chance to think about the possibility of losing you. However, she might not change her mind. Only time will tell…
@patricia12 when I say bottled up, I meant in regards to personal family issues that I guess I didn’t want to concern her with. I wanted to be with her, but as it couldn’t happen I’d probably not made this clear.
Even when we saw each other we had good conversations and laughed a fair bit.
We always spoke about our future together, making a family and stuff, so I’m not sure freedom is the reason.
I’ll continue to try and grow as an individual, this has been a huge lesson to me and I can only hope I can prove to her that we can make it work.
Thank you
She is in hometown now for another week or so, then she’ll be heading back to uni to work. It was so rare that we had any complications, even with long distance there was hardly any issues.
@hasaw You still didn’t explain how you displayed neediness.
You wrote:“I wanted to be with her, but as it couldn’t happen I’d probably not made this clear”. This confuses me. Of course you wanted to be with her and it wasn’t possible due to the shutdown. So it’s not clear to me what you mean by this. Did you say or do something regarding that statement that turned her away from you?
A very important part of any relationship is revealing everything you’re concerned about. Your family issues should have been discussed, but not to excess! Thinking that you didn’t want to concern her about it, was selfish, not heroic. Couples in love want open honest communications at all times!
@patricia12
I think the main way I portrayed this was constant texting, instant replies etc. Then I’d also get jealous of all of our friends seeing their partners etc, I wish I’d respected her and her families approach to it all more, but boredom and loneliness got to the better of me (no excuse, I know!!). I apologised for this when we met again, and she really appreciated the apology.
Re: communication - you’re absolutely right, and I hate that it took this to happen for me to realise. I don’t think I quite realised how much family issues were affecting me, until I looked back on what happened.
My birthday is this Saturday - I don’t expect her to message me, but not sure what to do if she does.
I think for the next few months I’ve got to work my wealth and health, and hopefully the world will calm down and allow us to go on a catch up over a coffee or something nearer Christmas. We’ll see what happens from there I suppose!
Thank you, Patricia!
@hasaw Apparently you did meet up in June. But you wanted to see her more often. You texted too often and I’m guessing you made statements about friends seeing each other thereby comparing her to others. And I’m guessing you need to either return to work when notified or find a job. Good luck.
If she sends you a message on your birthday, reply by thanking her…
Yeah, we met up to go on walks and sit in fields to just have general chats. Still working from home now, but it’s so quiet that all I’ve got is time to think!
Will do, thank you.
@hasaw Happy belated birthday:) Did she send a message?
Use your time to start a hobby or devote more time to it if you have one. Talk with friends and family. Read books etc… Don’t obsess about her and immediately divert your thoughts and attention to something else if you do.
@patricia12 thank you! 
She sent a really nice message, wishing me a lovely day, so I just sent a short thanks and wished her and her family were well. I’ve taken up a few things to try and spend my time - guitar, fitness and reading.
I intend on messaging her in August and seeing where it goes from there!
Hope you’re well.
@patricia12 I noticed the other day she’s still local - although she was supposed to go back the last few weekends, not sure whether to try and arrange a meet for before she does go back
@hasaw Yes, I’m okay and hope you are too:) Please stay safe whenever you go out into the world…
It was nice of her to wish you a happy birthday and I’m glad you kept the reply short just saying thank you and wishing her + family well. I’m also glad to hear you’re keeping busy with various activities.
How do you know she’s still in town? If she wanted to see you before she leaves for University, she would ask… If you ask it might seem needy and desperate. Also, when you met in June, it lead to nothing. However, you could ask to meet up, but don’t be shocked if she declines the offer…
Thanks, and you! There was a video on one of her friends social media of them sat in a garden. Yeah, I think I’ll just see it out for the whole month of no contact.
Thanks!
I think the reason I considered it was because I know she said she still wanted to talk, and she claimed that she didn’t want to break up, but she felt it was right (because she may be long distance beyond uni).
@hasaw Yes, continue no contact… Wish you the best no matter what happens:)
Thank you, all the best to you too!!