Hello, my name is Lea
I’m writing here to try and get some advice. Sorry for the long letter, but i need to get it out. Thank you for reading.
My ex and I had been together 1 year and 3 months. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He said he had feelings for me but wasn’t “in love” and that I wasnt the woman of his life. He said he had doubts for several months and fell for a girl at work even though nothing happened between them and that it proved him he didn’t love me enough.
It was a real shock because we were supposed to go on 2 trips together this summer and he said he loved me 2 months ago (even though he doesn’t remember saying that…) In 15 months of relationships we didn’t have a lot of arguments, and we did a lot of things happily together, including 3 trips abroad.
We met 1 week after the break up (during the initial announcement we decided to talk several days later after I asked him if his decision was definite).
We talked for 3 hours and made some cuddles. He said we were not compatible because I lack self esteem and sometimes I can get a little anxious and it hurts him because he lacks self esteem too. He said he tried to warn me, we had some talks about this but he never told me it affected him that much.
I think I didn’t listen to his needs enough and I didn’t respect his rythm. He told me he needed it to go slow and he was afraid of engagement. I am afraid of engagement too but I wanted a serious relationship, talked about moving in together etc and I think it was pressure to him after a terrible heartbreak he had 2 years ago. (Before a 8 months trip abroad his gf of 2 years said that when she’ll come back they’ll move in together, he waited, went to see her on holidays, but when she came back she broke up with him the next day. She was 21 and him 25)
I think I relied too much on our relationship to be happy and I saw everything with pink glasses and forgot to listen to his needs. I said to him I could change and be better for him. That we had real chemistry and lots of fun and that we should try to work it out. That I was afraid he was making a big mistake.
He said he didn’t get why I was trying to keep him since he was saying he didn’t love me. That if I was saying “I’m a good person and it’s your bad for not seeing it” he would have thought “well that’s the kinda girl I want to be with”. I got a little angry here saying it was unfair of him to tell me this.
We agreed I was too anxious and made him feel bad, and that he didn’t communicate enough about his feelings.
He said he wasn’t feeling well and will try going to see a therapist and take some time for himself. He said he didn’t feel like staying together right now but that he will think about it during the summer and that we would catch up in september. That “not wasting everything” thing I said made him tick.
I don’t know if he said this to soothe me or if he really meant it. Anyway I’m trying to respect his decision and I’m not contacting him. I told him I won’t be waiting for him and he said “well if you meet someone else it will be my bad”
My questions are : do you think he really isn’t in love with me ? I don’t know how you can stay 15 months with someone without loving him/her.
He said he had feelings for me but that I wasn’t the woman of his life and he was afraid to commit to the wrong person.
Do you think 2 months apart will help us ?
The weeks before the break up a lot of anxious things happened : I did a pregnancy test because I was late, I had a anxious breakdown at the movies, he didn’t feel supported enough when he needed one night (again some anxious thing from me), and the day before the break up I went to the emergency room for some pain and he was a little lost about coming to see me, he had an important screening for a friend’s movie and didn’t know what to do, I was a bit severe saying “well do what you want”. He finally came to support me, brough me food and took a cab with me holding my hand the whole time. But the next day he said “I didn’t feel like coming so I think it means I am not in love with you” which I think is kinda BS.
I’m afraid he was having commitment issue and that everything bad I did was encouraging him to think “she’s not the one for me”. But i’m afraid he’s confusing being in love with loving truly someone with the good and bad. He admitted we had some happy time and that what we had was real.
What can I do to make him give us a 2nd chance ? I know we are right for each other and I know I can work on my anxiety and self-esteem (I’ve been working with a therapist for several years and I’ve already made some big improvments) and that we can work on our communication skills.