Need advice, working together.

[mz1]

Hi. This is harder to write than I thought, I’ll try to keep it simple, so…

Genesis

I’ve been with my ex for a year and we broke up 2 months ago. We started our relationship really strong and it got weaker and weaker as the time went by. The reason for breakup was that (let’s be honest) I felt insecure with her which is my fault and I would always give her myself on a plate. I was the problem. We tried fixing us many times, but with little success. In the end I discovered her texting behind my back with some guy, today I know that she has been texting him when we were together, but back then I made her an ultimatum to reveal the secret and talk about it or it’s over. She wouldn’t so we broke up. I did it in a nice way, but for the next to weeks I’ve been on emotional roller coaster and it was at its greatest depression and well I was in a bad shape, mentally and physically. I drunk alcohol and injured my face badly. It left a scar, some people say pretty it’s badass. It is all good now and it made bounce back a bit. That was all two months ago.

Banishment

I didn’t follow the 5 step plan from this website. I discovered this site yesterday. Now before I ask for advice, I need to tell you guys that me and my ex work together, we see each other only on breaks but it was really hard and I did initiate No Contact for a month, but it was softcore. We didn’t speak, but we could see each other and our eyes met. Then before a holiday where we supposed to go together, but we didn’t, I texted her to meet up when she comes back for a coffee to try and be something other than strangers and it was all set up. When she came back I texted her again and the roller coaster was at it’s second worst depression and the texting went really fucking bad… Basically I went berserk about fact that she is now with the guy she’s been texting with.

That’s when I started the second No Contact, and this time it was hardcore. I changed the times of my breaks, I would try and avoid her, I wouldn’t even look at her as she passed by. I treated her like air, literally.

Approaching the Dragon

Another month went by and a week ago she approached me and asked me how I am doing and if we gonna ever even talk. We talked for a few minutes, that was it. I thought of this as an occasion. The next days I would approach her say hi and ask her to give me a high five or something, just to break the silence and warm up the relation just by a tiny bit. No more than that though.

Judgement

I never looked bad. I would say I am a pretty confident, social, attractive but not too much guy. I am immature though, but I really feel like this break up is working in my favour in terms of trying and become a better version of myself and mature up. I started working on myself more than a month ago, but she is also a part of reason why I started. I moved out from my parents, I bought new clothes, I stopped smoking, went back to gym (4 weeks now), I have a year in the gym before but I quit and I am drinking a protein shake as I write this. I am even whitening my teeth. I bought new glasses. I look totally different now, I heard a lot better, but it is just looks. Now I am starting to improve on my character and work hard at work to earn money and try starting a small business. I took the maturing up bit super serious. I am really trying and it is all before I found this website. The becoming better version of yourself is the best part out of all the guide.

Seeking guidance

Now for the actual question. I am in a place where I don’t know what to do. She is going for two weeks holiday to a sunny island with a guy that I wrote about. She just told me she is going for holiday, but I learned the rest. I don’t know if this guy is a rebound, I heard she is happy, but I also felt the stupid high five I ask her for and sometimes it feels like she is just laying her hand on mine. Seriously, I don’t know if it’s a high five or she wants to hold hands sometimes. Our eyes meet on every occasion when we are around each other, always, even if it’s a glimpse. Sometimes it feels deep, but maybe it’s just my overreacting brain and emotion hungry, over feeling heart heightening the feelings.

I was thinking maybe it’s time to send her the message and apologising for being an insecure pussy, apologising for unnecessary words I have said to her, and over all telling her that I accept the break up and accept that she has found someone else. I feel I am approaching the stage of accepting the break up, accepting the lost. She is worth fighting for, but I am too proud to tell her straight that I did a mistake. I don’t know what is the next step, maybe it’s too soon for the message. What should I aim for now?

[patricia12]

Jealousy, unfounded or not, is usually displayed through bad words and behavior. It’s a bad vice which hurts the one you love. Better to deal with it in a calm kind manner.

Now she’s with the other guy and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that! Don’t ever criticize him or tell her she’s making a mistake or it’s a rebound! I don’t know all the facts of why she chose him, but my guess is that he treated her better than you did.

Just continue to be courteous whenever you see her at work. Maybe she just feels awkward when she sees you there, so try not to read anything into how she looks at you etc… It’s silly because you can’t read her mind.

Congratulations on your courage and determination to improve yourself!! Working to improve your physical appearance is good, but more important is improving your character, morals, and maturity!

Hurting yourself (face etc) is a very serious abnormal reaction to anything and I suggest therapy as to why you chose to drink so much and hurt yourself. If you can afford it, it might help you a lot in the long run.

Sending a short message apologizing and letting her know you’re trying to make improvements would be okay at this time, but don’t beg or even hint at getting back together! And don’t mention the other guy at all in the message, period!

Hoping you can open a small business and wishing you much success with it!

PS: I’m curious at to how you know for sure she was texting the other guy?
And curious as to whether you now have your own apartment?

[mz1]

Thanks you for replying to my post patricia12, you’re doing God’s work for all of us here. You are amazing.

First of all, me hurting my face was a result of getting drunk to the point of unconsciousness. I am not a masochist and I do not hurt myself.
Not an apartment, if I did that I wouldn’t have money for my business. Gotta keep living costs low.

I caught her texting behind my back, hiding with her phone, going to toilet with a phone etc. With the corner of my eye I saw a name.(lets call that person Suzy) Then I confronted her about it and asked who is Suzy? She went all white and told me it’s a girls name but it’s actually a guy. The amount of anger and disappointment in me that evening, off the scale. I tried to learn more but she just wouldn’t say a word. Next day she told me it is some guy she knew from long ago and he’s in town, he wants her to meet him and writing her shit like that he wasn’t a man in the past, but now he is and he wants to show it to her. Next day I told her to show me the conversation and we can talk about it or she can not show at all and we break up by the end of the day. It was the only way for me to know if she is telling the truth. Briefly that’s the story. Personally, I think that she lied about who that guy is and she knew that if I saw the messages it would be over and I would have a better reason to leave her. She never gave me more explanation, it would be easier if she just told me truth and let me be in pain instead I was being eaten alive by thoughts for the next month and I that’s why I went berserk on the fact she found someone else so quick. That’s how I injured my face, because I drunk to forget.

It comes out perfectly clear that I have a jealousy problem and I know about it, but it’s been two months and I have done a lot of reflecting on myself. Truth is that before we found each other I wanted to become better, just like in this guide… and then she found me. Maybe she saw that, maybe it was something else. I didn’t see it at the time, but slowly my determination to be better faded and everything I really focused on was her. I forgot about myself, this was my greatest mistake and the root of all my insecurities. I stopped being what she saw in me, no wonder we are not together. That’s why this time it will be different. I will put extra effort in every branch of my life. Sometimes I think that this break up is the best thing that could happen to me, because it made me realise, but I miss her… I hope she sees that without me telling her, if she doesn’t then I will move on and my hard work will pay off.

Again river of text… Who is cutting the onions, fuck.

She went to her holiday on last Friday which was two days after me posting here and I did not speak to her more than “Hey”, because I started reflecting harder after my post, feels like my redemption.
Your advice was a day late but I did what you said. I approached her, gathered all the scraps of my scattered confidence and with a big, honest smile I talked to her. Asked her where she is going, I played like I was super excited about where she is going and I’m happy about it, wished her an amazing holiday and left. Later she asked my friend what about and why am I so happy and he replied that I have been like that for the past week. (Thank you my man!)

Then I saw her crying because of work, she isn’t a strong person, but she is acting like one and sometimes she gets emotionally weak and cries. In my opinion she is in wrong water when it comes to work. I cannot talk to her in work hours so I texted what’s up, she told me that stupid people are making her cry. I replied (straight outta facebook): “I’m surprised stupidity can make you cry, let it make you stronger, stay tough and take it easy. Or punch the monitor :D”. She kept texting, but I slowly ended it and wished her good holiday again.

Then I met her, she smiled to me and said “I’m better now” I said “I can see, that’s good”. She is having some face skin issue right now so I told her to be careful and to take care about her face there on holiday and went away. That was it.

We really talked more than usual that day. Strange or not?
Sorry if it’s all a lot to read, but it also helps me to get all of this out.

I think to wait with the apologise message until she comes back, but maybe I should write it anyway as she is there and make her think of me while she is with him, but I don’t want her to think that. I think I’ll wait and once again patricia12, you’re amazing.

[mz1]

Have a beat to go with it

[patricia12]

You absolutely must deal with and improve your jealousy and anger issues! Do it for yourself so that in the future you can have a normal happier relationship with a woman, whether it’s her or someone else. And don’t ever demand someone to show you their personal texts or emails etc… If you are suspicious about something, just ask kindly what’s up? Trust is one of the important foundations of a good relationship! If you’re in a relationship and you find out a woman is definitely cheating on you (physical or emotional), end the relationship. You will feel betrayed and upset, but never allow yourself to become angry to the point you lash out with foul language or accusations etc as that won’t change the situation. And getting drunk won’t solve or change anything!

What you texted her was great, except the part about punching the monitor, LOL. Continue to be supportive if or when she needs it, but keep it short. And you have a good idea there to write an apology after she returns from holiday! Remember, just an apology and that you’re trying to make improvements. Short and sweet. Don’t drag it out. Don’t mention the other guy.

You moved out of your parents house, but hopefully you’re staying with friends or something and not living on the streets. I know starting a business is very expensive and again, I wish you luck and success with it!

[mz1]

That is exactly what I was reflecting on for the past weeks, I will work on that. Thing about me is that I learn only from my mistakes, so the mistakes I made will help me improve. The Forgotten Art of Listening by Micheals P. Nichols.

I was trying to get her to LOL at least for a second there. Like you did.

She’s two weeks away now, I will be trying my hardest not to look at her social media or I will start whining again. I have a lot of time to draft the message.

I will come back with the updates after I send her a message. Thank you for support patricia12 and I might try and help out someone else in return to your support. Take care!