I know there’s the NC forum just below this, but I guess I’m not officially in NC yet (well, it’s only been a week) and I don’t know if this will even work in my situation, so I just wanted to ask about that first if that’s okay.
First of all having read the forum rules I am glad attacking and being cold-hearted is discouraged here. I’m not looking for judgement, and I know I did a lot of things terribly, terribly wrong, but I would really appreciate any advice or support I can get here, if any. 
This is long. This is going to be very long. I wanted to trim it down, but I just wanted to write out everything and hopefully it’s not too messy to go through.
I see this question asked a lot, but I’m wondering if, in my particular situation, it would be too late - not just time-wise as it hasn’t been too long, but with the way I had already behaved post-breakup.
I’ll first say our relationship was great, for the most part, until the very end. There was no cheating, we were both great to each other, very few fights, etc. I’ll go into detail about the last two months of our relationship if necessary, but for now I think it’s only necessary to say we broke up due to lack of time for each other. I started a new job recently and my hours meant I had a lot less time to spend with him, and he coped with this by spending a lot more time with his friends, to the point where I felt like he was neglecting me for them. Often. I got very upset a lot in the last two months of the relationship, because he always seemed distant and detached with me, even though he had complained about not having enough time together because of my new job. When we were together, it often felt like he was filling a quota and he just wanted to get back to his friends, and I brought this up to him several times, until the fighting got too frequent and I called it quits.
Anyway, I want to detail the breakup first. I don’t know if this is the best way to explain my situation, but I hope so.
So first, a timeline of events:
We broke up about a month ago. I was the one who initiated the breakup, but I regretted it a lot almost immediately and asked for him back two days later. This was also the day we argued the most, I think - it was a lot of “you said/I said/you didn’t give me a chance to explain” and so on, so it got pretty heated but it still ended somewhat amicably, with him just gently saying “I think we both need some time to think this through”, to which I agreed.
Only two days later, I again reached out to him again first in a text. I reflected on a lot of what he said the day I asked for him back, and I apologized to him. I said I am still giving him the time and space he needs to think, but I just really wanted to apologize. He replied amicably again, saying he was sorry too, but that we still definitely need more time to think. He also apologized for being so seemingly cold and emotionless throughout the breakup, saying that was how he is whenever he tries to be his most rational.
We had no contact for two weeks after this. I started to panic, started to think maybe he’s just going to leave me hanging forever. I messaged first yet again, asking what was going on, if he is actually still taking this time to think, or if he is just hoping I will take a hint and go away without confrontation. He responds apologizing again, saying he was still thinking and he was sorry he didn’t make it clear he intended to not be in contact for at least a couple weeks for this purpose. Then he told me in the time he spent thinking, he had decided it was best if we didn’t get back together, but after some time passes, he would love to be friends again.
I started to get very emotional at this point. I have been very emotional throughout the entire breakup process, while he has been the complete opposite. He stopped letting me into his feelings and thoughts completely and has been very cold and clinical in his approach to the breakup, and this is not reflective of us at all, as I am usually the more rational one and he is the more emotional one, but we both did a complete 180 in our personalities once we broke up, and I cannot tell if this is him putting up his guard or what, because he is like a completely different person.
In this conversation in particular, he was still very rational and kind to me, but in the same cold, clinical approach where he avoided talking about his feelings and just spoke rationally, while I’m the one going “but I love you and I miss you so much”. At one point, I asked him “when did you stop loving me”, to which he responded “that was never the case”, implying to me he still loves me too, and this is what has gotten me most confused throughout the break up. We have both, to different degrees, confirmed that we still have feelings for each other, and while I know love alone doesn’t fix everything, I don’t understand why he refuses to give it another try, why he is now so firmly dedicated to leaving this relationship. That conversation ended with a definite “no” from him, so I thought that was that and I resolved to not message him anymore.
But, of course, I couldn’t stick to it. The very next day, something kind of upsetting happened to me, and as my ex had been my best friend and confidant throughout our entire relationship, when I needed help and someone to talk to about this, he was still the first person I wanted to reach out to. He responded to me much later, only to say he was going to bed but he could talk to me tomorrow, so I said “okay” and went to bed as well. This, to me, was already not a good sign - I understand we are no longer in a relationship, but how do the feelings go away so fast? If he needed me, I would be there right away, no questions asked. Because I still love him. I told him I was distressed and he didn’t respond when I know he wasn’t busy, then opted to put it off until tomorrow. I was already disheartened at this point, but I thought “at least he is still willing to help, I’m just not a priority anymore”.
It was also worth mentioning in this conversation, before he said “goodnight” to me he also tried to talk normally, almost like friends to me - it was the only time throughout the breakup he was like that with me. He brought up a common interest (a video game he knew I would be interested in) and told me it was fantastic, then said goodnight. I wanted to highlight that because it was probably the last friendly thing he said to me that showed he was actually still interested in being friends.
But anyway, the next day, he did not message me back. I got antsy, and I nudged him first again, wondering when he could talk. He then said that very morning he found out his grandfather just died, and he was not in the mood to talk. I apologized, and didn’t want to push further, so I just said if he needs me for anything, I’ll be there for him. He, not too surprisingly, never reached out after that.
Here’s when I start to get really out of line, if I wasn’t really desperate and needy already. I have this problem where silence on his end just absolutely drives me insane, and I acted completely insane. I absolutely trusted him completely in our relationship, but when he stopped talking to me so easily and detached himself emotionally the way I did, my mind started to wander a lot. It made me think maybe I was wrong to think he ever loved me. Maybe he had lied to me before and I just didn’t question it. Without being able to talk to him, I started picking apart his online activity to see what I could gleam of his life now that I am not a part of it. I’m not proud of the things I said and did, I’ll admit that.
This started a spiral of me finding “suspicious” things in his activity every week or so and poking him about it, asking him why he lied to me about things, which understandably upset and annoyed him. I can’t defend what I did, but I’ve also been extremely hurt and confused and I guess I’m just looking for answers. I could not understand why he would imply he still loves me (at least twice, when I tried to say he didn’t love me) but that he was treating me like this, and that he didn’t want to get back together. I started to think there was another woman, and maybe she was around for longer than I realized. I found out he was spending a LOT of time with this girl after our breakup, and I confronted him about her. He angrily told me she is engaged, and that they are just friends, but she seemed to appear very suddenly and they are almost inseparable now, and I saw messages of him saying very flirty things to her. Asked him about the messages, he said “I sent those messages to her ironically” and again insisted he had never, ever lied to me, and still has not.
Throughout all of this, I could see his patience with me steadily wearing thin, and understandably so, but I couldn’t stop myself from lashing out whenever I found new “evidence” of his lies and asking for answers. This all finally culminated in him stating “I now see how little you trust me when I have never done anything to deserve that, and we definitely can’t get back together if there is no trust”. Which broke my heart, but was absolutely not true - when I was happy in the relationship, I trusted him with everything, and I got angry he would ever come to the conclusion I never trusted him. It wasn’t until I saw how he acted after the breakup that made me doubt if I have things to worry about, if he has lied to me.
And I think that’s kind of where we are right now. I know I could have left and started NC when I was still in a good light to him, but I got ugly, I got so ugly and I know I lost so much respect with him with how I have behaved this past month. I acted purely out of emotion and fear, fear that he is already looking to be with another girl, fear that he has been lying to me, and even when my rational side was telling me “don’t do it, don’t say that”, I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to know. I needed to confront him about all my fears. And it’s lead me here, and I don’t know what to do.
I haven’t contacted him in about a week now. The last thing I messaged him about was once again me pouring out all my feelings, my anger, how our relationship ended and what I think he did to contribute to the breakup, why I felt the way I did, why I got suspicious after the breakup, everything. I wrote him a few walls of text of my emotions, and he replied with only two words: “I’m sorry”.
I still love him. I’ve never been an overly emotional person, and breakups do not affect me this much. I move on relatively quickly, but I cannot get over this one. I know it’s not out of pure loneliness, like some people might suggest when someone says they want their ex back, but I feel like no one can substitute him in my life. I’m not ever the kind of person who NEEDS to be in a relationship, and I can be very happy single, but after this particular breakup I feel like a part of me is gone, and this is something I have never experienced, not this long after a breakup. I never felt the need to find another guy immediately after a relationship, but I’ve been talking to other guys hoping to fill this void, and while I have met some nice guys, even one very similar to him in interests and hobbies, but in the back of my mind I can’t help thinking “but they are not him. Not even close. I can’t get that feeling back”. And then I cry a lot.
I’ve been throwing myself into meeting new people, spending time with my friends, and I’m happy when I’m surrounded by people, which is very rare as I’m an introvert. I used to enjoy my alone time very much, but ever since the breakup I can’t stand being alone anymore. Whenever I’m by myself and I have time to think about the breakup I just start crying.
The relationship in a nutshell was very good for the first 6 months. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier, and he expressed the same. That I would be the one. We were both instantly so connected and comfortable with each other, and he’s been hurt in the past by his ex girlfriends, so he often expressed to me how different I was, how he could completely trust me and know I felt the same way for him. We didn’t play any mind games, we just shared everything with each other. He was my best friend and my confidant. Physically he was also very attracted to me - he often joked I was out of his league and said stuff like that, that he would never find anyone better, how did he get so lucky, etc, so there was no loss of attraction there either. I just don’t know what happened, and what I can do to get him back now. Is my situation completely lost?
In the rare instances I’ve gotten a rise out of him (unintentionally, but like I said, I’ve been pushing his buttons with my fears and accusations), he lets a glimpse of his emotions show, and he seems broken up about the breakup too, and he still has feelings for me. So I don’t know why we can’t try again. At this current point, as he pointed out, he believes the trust is broken and that I understand, but even before that I don’t know why he was so fixed on keeping it ended and not giving this another chance, when we know how perfect we are for each other, despite bein rocky the last 2 months.
I know this was such a long read and I still feel like I’m leaving out a lot, but if anyone made it this far, please let me know if I can clarify anything, or if there’s anything else I should talk about. And if you think there’s any chance starting NC now would actually work, or what else I should do, thank you.
I’m so scared he’ll just forget about me. It already seems to be happening, and engaged or not, he’s still spending so much time with that girl. I’m afraid he’ll forget the good times, since he seems to eager to move on. I’m also really scared because he made it clear to me breakups are very final for him, so it feels like even if he still has feelings for me, it’s just his “code” and he will stick to it no matter how much it is hurting both of us.