NC harder on me than on her?

no-contact-rule
1

Hi everyone,

I know topics like mine probably get created every day here, but I just need to share a bit and even if only one person can find the time or understanding to give me a few replies I would really appreciate it. I am seeing a therapist for the first time ever in 3 weeks from now, because I feel I won’t be able to get through this without some help. But it’ll still be different than talking to someone on here I think, because therapists have SEEN or HEARD about these problems and feelings, but the people here have EXPERIENCED them.

I’ll give a brief sketch about what’s going on, me and my girlfriend (or as I should really say ex-girlfriend) had been together for 1,5 years, when she broke up with me. She wasn’t feeling happy anymore and I know the reasons why, issues that can be fixed really, but at this given point she no longer had the energy for it. I don’t even know if I should have any hope at all if she wasn’t feeling happy anymore as I’ve read somewhere that this is one of the deal-breakers of getting back together…

But yeah…I’ve made my mistakes, I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, probably made all the mistakes that are mentioned in the guide. Today is only the third day of my NC period, but it’s killing me. In the guide it says she will start wondering why I’m not contacting her anymore, but in reality right now, I’m wondering why she isn’t contacting me…She said from the start that she would never want me out of her life completely, but yeah, right now I feel like we are both on a NC rule…I look at her FB page and I see all these pictures appearing of her getting on with her life, seemingly even more happy and enjoying it than when she was with me…I’m wondering if it’s really that way, is it only a facade, I don’t know…and I know I’m torturing myself by doing this, but I can’t find the strenght yet to unfriend her or deactivate my FB or whatever…

Last time we spoke she said she still thought about us every day and that she misses our good times together, but that she just can’t continue in a relationship…and what also confuses me is that one moment she seemed so determined to continue alone and at other times she speaks in terms like “for now” or “I can’t continue if it is like this”, you know? Like…sentences that seem to point to that this might only be temporary…maybe I’m over-analyzing everything, but yeah…This all makes me even more confused about the NC rule and if I should even continue with it…

It’s just so hard…every day I’m wondering what she might be doing and I have the feeling that this NC rule is harder on me than on her…in your experience what’s the number of days of NC when I should really start accepting the fact that we might not get back together like…what if a week passes or two weeks or a month and she hasn’t contacted me a single time?

I just had to get this of my chest, I also write in a journal so I can take this with me to the therapist. If there is anyone here that took the time to read this and even reply to it, I greatly appreciate it and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

2

My ex contacted me after 32 days. Nothing about getting back together, we just spoke like friends catching up. Too early to know what will happen.

You have to try and move on. It’s difficult for her too, that’s why she’s going out more, to try and get her mind off of you. You have to do the same thing. It hurts, I know. But you can’t just sit around waiting, you need to get to a place where you’re OK without her.

3

I know and I try to stay busy as much as I can, but sometimes I just can’t be bothered to go out. Some of my friends know what I’m going through and they are constantly inviting me to do things. And this might sound weird, but I enjoy like…going for a drink or going to their place, try to have some fun, talk a bit, but others have also invited me to go watch a soccer game or go out to watch a performance…but I really don’t feel like standing in the middle of a huge crowd, you know? I feel like doing those types of things will only make me feel worse and wish she was there with me or am I not making sense now?

I just hope that she isn’t doing those things to try to completely forget about me…I’m just scared that without me she feels like she can do alot more things or do things she missed doing while we were together and this will only ‘encourage’ her to stay apart, because she never did alot of those things when we were together eventhough I never forbade her from doing anything…

(I hope I make some sense, English is not my native language)

I really appreciate your reply.

4

I’m an introvert so I get it, I prefer activities with one or a few people. I’m actually happier alone than when I’m at work or church surprisingly. I cry at work :cry:

She will not forget you. She is trying to keep busy but the more people try to suppress feelings, the greater the force when they come out.

Remember she’s expecting you to bug her, so throw her a curveball and don’t!

Most successful reconciliations happen after 3 months or more apart. They really need to realize what they’re missing and decide if it’s worth another chance.

You don’t want to be in this same situation again.

5

Work doesn’t help me much either, mostly because right now I have a job that doesn’t require much brain activity…I guess the only upside it has is that it fatigues me and the days are over sooner, because I have to go to bed early, but I have way too much time to think about everything during work, which isn’t all that great. It still beats sitting at home and constantly checking FB or re-reading old texts tho’.

The problem is also that I probably was the biggest reason of our break-up. I have to be honest and admit that I wasn’t always the easiest person to live with. And I’m aware that I probably have underlying (I don’t know if that’s the right word) issues or stress or anxieties, hence why I’m also going to see a therapist. So I’m afraid she also won’t start REALLY missing me or thinking about giving it another chance unless she sees I’ve changed or that I’m at least really trying to change now.

So, I guess it’s basically up to me to avoid a second breakup, but it’s up to her to decide if there ever will even be a second chance.

Thank you for your reply

6

Yeah, my job requires no brain work whatsoever, so it’s a ton of free time to think :frowning: I cry at work almost every day. It sucks. The first 3 weeks or so I did OK, but in the last 3 weeks I’ve been having daily (sometimes multiple times per day!) crying spells. I don’t know what has made the 2nd month more difficult for me. sigh I guess this is the month where I’m actually letting go, and maybe that’s what causes it. That’s why I don’t personally think 30 days is enough.

She will still miss you. But you definitely have to work on your issues, and even continue doing so if you guys get back together. Self improvement helps you long term, whether you get back together with this one or not. It will improve you so that you can attract people who have reached that level of self awareness as well. We have to believe that.

7

I’m sorry to hear that you are still having such a difficult time! I feel the need to cry, but for some reason it won’t come out…Only when I talk to my ex, which probably isn’t the best idea right now, that’s why I’m pretty sure that talking to a therapist will do me good.

I know, I definitly don’t want to make the same mistakes again with her or with someone else. I guess I have a hard time ahead of me, no matter what.

8

By the way, what are you supposed to do if they initiate contact? Do you just ignore it? Because my ex just started talking on FB after 3 days of silence and to be honest I don’t know what to do, well, I know I shouldn’t reply if I’m following the NC rule but still, what are you supposed to do if she wants to talk, face to face? Do you always decline it or do you accept it or do you only accept it if you know what you are going to talk about?

9

Hey Sam, I think you posted on my thread as well. Seems like we both have similar scenarios but to be honest yours sounds more promising than mine. I immediately de-friended my ex off Facebook because I know how I am… It will cause agony to see her doing well, partying, guys commenting and liking her pictures. Makes me sick thinking about it.

I feel like by just waiting for them to come to you before contacting them makes more sense?? Like I’m trying not to contact my ex at all but I feel like it’s ok to answer if they message you??

I dont know! I’m confused too! I have friends that say that if your available whenever they need you then they will take you for granted. I understand people want what they can’t have but… In a serious relationship, do we really have to play that game?

I wish I knew the answers.

10

Trust me bro, it doesn’t sound more promising here at all. Her feelings changed towards the end you know, she wasn’t feeling happy anymore in our relationship and a simple NC rule isn’t going to change those feelings back. It will give me the time to learn to accept the fact that we might never get back together again and it might give her the chance to forget all about the negative things we had in our relationship, but none of this guarantees we will ever end up back together. I mean, we were a dream couple, talked about everything, had the same sense of humor, interests, hell, we even finished eachother sentences or one of us didn’t even have to say anything, but the other person would know what they wanted. But I fucked up, I didn’t cheat or anything, but I ignored the fact that there were issues in our relationship and that she was fighting hard for us, while I pretended everything was fine. Maybe I couldn’t accept the fact that something was wrong in our relationship, maybe I was too stubborn to work on my mistakes, well, look where it got me…

I can’t find the strength to delete her from FB nor do I think it will be good for me. Guys have always liked my GF’s pictures, I just try not to focus too much on it, granted it’s not always that easy, usually I just check for names of guys that I know to have ever had a crush on her or something. Not saying she ever had anything with them but yeah…I’ve also known her long enough to be sure of the fact that she doesn’t even have the slightest interest in other guys right now. She knows how I feel and I know how she feels, we still love eachother, we miss eachother, but she just doesn’t have the energy or strength anymore to put in our relationship right now. If that will ever change? Only God knows. A man can only hope.

But yeah, deleting her from FB and not having a single clue whatsoever anymore as to what she is doing, nah, that would mess with me even more.

I’m confused too bro, I’m only semi-applying the NC rule right now, because I feel way worse when I’m not contacting her than when I am, you know, we’ve been good friends for six years before we even started dating, I can’t just start ignorning her and this might sound weird, but I also NEED her to get through this. She is the only one that really understands me. I’m not saying you should text her everyday, neither do I, but when I have a hard time and I need to get something off my chest, I text her and she understands. Don’t get me wrong tho’ I’m not constantly begging or pleading on behalf of our relationship, but just knowing she’s still there, it helps. But I guess this is different for everyone.

Also this weekend she is leaving on holidays (normally I would’ve been there too but yeah :frowning: sad times) anyways, she is leaving for two weeks and I’m going to try to not contact her for those 14 days. Give myself the time to get better and give her the time (according to the guide) to forget all the negative associations with our relationship. It’s not 30 days, I know, but f* it, 14 will have to do for now. To be honest, I’m thankfull that she is going on holidays, I feel this will make the NC easier for me for some reason. I know who she’s with, I know where she’s at, that will be 14 days of alot less wondering about things for me.

But to be honest, if she wasn’t leaving and I would have to continue the NC…I don’t know if I’d be able too…I also have my first therapist meeting while she is away, I sought out professional help, because I have the feeling I need it, not only to talk about everything, but also to figure out my own issues and why I could be such an asshole sometimes.

So yeah, I’m not following this guide to the letter, sure I’m following some tips and tricks or some advice that’s in there, but I’m also following my gut feeling. But like I said, everyone is different, you need to find the best way for yourself to help process this.

11

Hey Sam.

Your situation sounds just like mine.

I love my ex sooo much and would do anything to get her back. ANYTHING!! I just started N.C yesterday and she just called me 10 minutes ago. I didn’t answer, it might have been the hardest thing i have done in my life. We lived together for 1.5 years, i would do anything to wake up next to her again. Like you guys on this topic, i have a job where i have a lot of time to think (i drive a lot). I have a hard time keeping my composure in certain situations.

Example: Her and i used to go to the gym together. I have been going to the gym and everything reminds me of her. I cried three times in the gym today, it’s so dam hard. I do not know how hard NC is on her, but it is killing me. The first week of the break up wasn’t so bad because i still had hope. Now i am at approaching the third week, and i am dieing inside. I feel so lost and alone. All of my friends that i enjoy spending time with are either married or live far away. I am 27 years old and now i know i want nothing more than to marry her and start a family. I am scared to be single since all my friends are shacked up and my job is a lonely job. I just want to say i feel your pain.

You two feel free to text or call me. 209 329 0141. We all need help.

12

I am 2 months out and I have been a bit better. I still miss him dearly and hope he’ll be back, but I’m crying ALOT less. I still have many sad moments. I almost broke down and cried again today at work. I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted, have two books I’m rotating between, school has started up again, talking to guys on dating sites although not particularly looking for anything serious (put on there that I’m hoping to take my time and get to know people, not rush into anything).

Anyway, just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My plan was to ignore any calls/texts for the first 30 days. But my ex did not contact until day 32. I got such a rush of emotions seeing his call that I didn’t answer and didn’t call back until about an hour later when I calmed myself down.

13

As someone that broke NC after deciding that in my situation and how I am feeling about my progress and feeling okay if I never get her back…

I am pretty sure NC is rough for your ex. When I spoke to my ex for the first time on the phone in a while, she cried a bit and admitted she keeps herself busy so she doesn’t have to sit and think about me or the breakup. She also told me she misses me like crazy and loves me so much.

She broke up with me and in a really fucked up way. I’m not in a unique situation.

14

My gf broke up with me too, we haven’t spoken in a long time, not the full 30 days yet, but still, it seems so long if you are used to talking to them every day for years in a row. Anyways at the start I told myself that she was missing me too and thinking about us and all that, keeping her busy or keeping up appearances… but now, I don’t know anymore. I broke NC two weeks ago or something to tell her that I missed her and she told me I was making her feel uncomfortable and all that so yeah…Since then we haven’t spoken anymore, me because I’m on the NC again and her…I don’t know, either she doesn’t care anymore or she’s on a NC of her own or she is expecting me to make the first “move” again…I’m clueless…

Like I said, at the start I really thought she was missing me too, now I just think she’s moving on with her life…I don’t really know how you can erase such a long and good relationship out of your mind to the point where you don’t even feel the need to talk to me anymore but yeah… (ps. I didn’t do anything horrible or something, she just felt she wasn’t herself anymore and wasn’t happy etc she also knows I never hurt her on purpose and that we have problems you can easily solve but yeah…).

Thanks for your replies.