My ex broke up with me after a year and 4 months. We live about an hour away from one another, and have varying schedules. We have made it work, but I have been living out of fear of abandonment (found that out in counseling after our breakup). Read: I didn’t include her in my family, events with friends, etc. Most of the time she couldn’t make it because of her schedule…but because of the physical distance, my emotional distance, I stopped inviting her and including her. We would get together (alone) about 2-3 times per week…and had a very strong connection. We never fought. We were very affectionate. We had great physical/sexual chemistry…and find each other extremely attractive. Last June, she broke up with me for the same reason…and we got back together. I wanted to change, but I wasn’t fixing the root of the problem: my fear. This time she had said that her trust was challenged, and she had given her whole heart to me…but she can’t deal with the ups and downs. She broke up with me via text message…and I texted her back pretty upset.
I gave her space. I did a 30 day NC. Wrote a really nice Elephant in the Room text, which she responded to the next day. She then called me and we had a great conversation for 30 minutes. My mistake: I told her that I wanted her back. I told her that I have been in counseling, and that I understood where I needed work. She took me telling her that I wanted her back as not ideal, and said that it would be like ripping a scab off right now. But, she did agree to text/talk. I verified that she actually said that…as I thought that was really a great opening for us.
After the phone call, I texted her saying that it was nice hearing her voice. She didn’t respond. The next day I had sent a photo of my beard (she hasn’t seen me with a beard). She didn’t respond. I didn’t text for a day…but called her on Saturday (asking to meet me for a drink) with a follow-up text asking what was going on? I said that I wanted to get some clarity on if she really wanted to talk or not…and that I wouldn’t bother her if she truly didn’t want to talk with me. I just wanted acknowledgment. She didn’t respond. I realized that I appeared really needy…and desperate.
I broke a few of the rules here…but I immediately started a new period of NC. I haven’t reached out for 5 days, and I don’t plan on reaching out until the new year.
My questions are these:
-Should I still be shooting for 30 days of NC, or would a bit less be okay? Would more be better?
-Should I write another Elephant in the Room letter? Would a hand-written card/letter for Christmas be better?
-She isn’t big on texting (usually), and is very non-confrontational. Should I call her after NC instead of texting?
Any advice is appreciated. I really know that I messed up, have made strides to correct my approach, and know that if the damage done could be repaired that I would never allow myself to treat her or any other woman that I am with the same way. Thanks in advance! ~B