So my ex officially broke up with me a month ago after a 5 month relationship. The main reason was that i made his bday weekend about me, then verbally assaulted him when he didnt respond for a day, then showed up drunk at his house when he wouldnt answer.
Even after he broke up with me, he agreed hed be in my life regardless. Some days he was hot, some cold. And it was driving me insane bc i houldn’t see past my own wants, instead of respecting his reluctance due to how much i hurt him. I wish i saw this article THEN and i wouldve avoided alot of furthering damage to our relationship.
Anyway i sent hot chocolate, cards, etc. Esp when he was saying hes feeling down. I even made him a vase with flowers. During this time we were still in contact but when he wouldnt respond the way i wanted, id get frustrated and say you dont love me! I can’t do this! I would get anxious if he took hours to respond. I was SOOO nervous about losing him, i lost myself. And even when he finally agreed to meet, i felt like that meant he was mine again! But when he says that’s not so, I freaked out again and accused him of moving on. I said im a fool to think there isnt someone else in the picture, he said there’s not, but i just couldn’t stop there. I had been drinking heavily that night and I went off. Saying i put myself out there, trying to get him back and he rejected me. I tokd him i hate him and wish hed die among other things. Then i said i love you. (Crazy i know)
Before this night he told me if i disrespected him again hed block me and change his number. Once i woke up and realized what i did i had a mental breakdown. I began apologizing profusely. I told him i felt worthless. Im toxic. I don’t need to be here. My friend spoke with him for a while and he asked her to calm me down bc he is worried about me and even called a hotline bc he was scared i would harm myself.
Once i calmed down that day, i stopped contacting him. I realized i do not deserve this man the way i treat him. And i don’t want to hurt him again. My friend said they talked for a while and they talked about our whole relationship and he said he loves me, always will but is fed up. He said he doesnt know me anymore and holds on bc of how our relationship was and our deep conversations. He said my sorry means nothing at this point bc i said it before and didnt change. He said he has never felt about anyone how he feels about me but doesnt think i can change.
The past few days have been hell. I am ashamed, full of guilt and embarassed. I go in the bathroom at work and cry bc i know my drinking, selfish ways and anger issuss have caused me to lose and hurt someone i love. I know i have to change and i want to. I have already contacted a counselor, stopped drinking completely, am going to church, and trying to think more positively. Idk how long it’ll take to change but its hard to do nc when YOURE the one who screwed up. And you just wish you could take back what you say and make it right (since you know what it is).
I didn’t really have a question. This is hard and esp around the holidays. I can’t believe how ungrateful and mean i have been. I took advantage of his kindness and can’t stop crying.
Just trying to forgive myself and help myself. Ill give an update when i get myself together and end nc. Anyone else?