my story

reconciliation
1

Hi there,

I met him in January 2012 just 3 months after I had started my relationship with my boyfriend. We were at an event in another country and he came to talk to me, he was funny and all over me. With a group of people we went out including my boyfriend and he was talking to my boyfriend and me. I was under his spell. My boyfriend left for a couple of weeks and I hang out with him for diners, we kissed. He is married. I told him I didn’t want to go further as I was just starting my relationship. He went back to Italy and we sent couple of emails. I came back to Italy in 2013 and we started seeing each other for dinner. We kissed but never went further as I didn’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend.

Then in December 2014, while still with my boyfriend and him married, we headed off and had the most amazing time. Sex was just amazing. We continued this intense relationship until April 2015 when I told him I couldn’t go further as it was too complicated for me. He agreed and stated that he couldn’t offer me anything and was not ready to leave his wife although they didn’t share any more intimate relations and that their overall relationship was dead. We saw each other just couple of days after for a walk and he told me he loved me. Couple of days later, we shared a drink and he said that we had to stop to see each other. It was painful but I thought that it was for the better. We kept in touch by phone and texts sporadically during the summer. And in September 2015, we started seeing each other again just for dinner and drink, nothing more. We didn’t see each other a lot and I was trying to keep as little contact as possible. But once in a while I would reach out and he would when I hadn’t contacted him for a long time. We would see each other sporadically again for dinners. We might kiss but nothing more.

Then in February 2016, he started to come back and to be very present with phone calls and message almost every day. I asked him why he would be so present and he stated that he had this desire. I told him that his desire might pass and he stated maybe and maybe not. We never talked much about our partners but he told me that he was leaving his wife and that he was facing a lot of issues, he wasn’t feeling very good. We hang out a lot, cinema, dinner, and always this amazing sex. We were not hiding anymore and kissing in public even in front of his friends. I wasn’t able to see him for about three weeks as I was facing also issue with my boyfriend and he was leaving the country. I told him that I was getting separated but that it had nothing to do with him. He was grateful I informed him and that was it. During one evening, he stated that he loved me.

We then decided to spend a weekend together, which we had never done before. We left and had a great time the first evening, sex and party. The next morning, he told me that he hadn’t slept the all night, that he couldn’t recognize himself, that our sex was too intense and that he wasn’t honest. He stated that he knew that I didn’t expect anything from him but nonetheless he couldn’t go on like that. I left right away and went back home. We spoke on the phone few hours after and he stated that he had a lot of problems, that our relationship was too intense. I said that the problem was that he didn’t love me and that he never had. He didn’t answer but in the course of the conversation he mentioned that I said what he was thinking. I told him that I had been honest with him and that he hadn’t been. He stated we can still be friends but he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I answered that this was not possible.

Few days later I sent him an email asking him to write down why he was acting like that with me. He answered that he will try to do that.

It has been a few days now and I am waiting for his letter. I haven’t contacted him since and I won’t.

This is all very confusing as he is the one who came back strongly and was the one initiating most of the sex and it seems that he reproaches me our sexual intensity.

As you can see I am madly in love with him and I don’t understand his reaction. I suppose that it was just too much going on in his life at the moment and the distraction that I was giving him was starting to take too much space.

Any thoughts on the situation and I have any chance of being with him again?

Thank you guys

2

Hello,
First I would like to say I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH, girl I’m seeing is married or was seeing and “getting divorced” and said pretty much same stuff that so much going on and is a mess.
Now here is what I will say from my experience!
As a man, a guy for him to say it’s intense he means it’s intense, he’s feeling something he has never felt but is dealing with mixed emotions and or confused because leaving his current relationship is hard but knows you’ve given him something amazing. But so my advice is you have to be clear in what you want and what your looking for in life, being a solid relationship to grow.
I’m telling you this because it’s the mistake I’m still making :frowning:
I keep saying I’m done and for her to let me know when she is ready and fall into the same trap of her saying she loves me and then cuts me off or says very little.
Anyway…you love him, he does love you or he wouldn’t say it, his intense feelings for you is something new and doesn’t know how to process I know because the girl I was with said the same thing that I showed and gave her something intense.
Do nothing, let him contact you but be clear in what you want and are looking for.
I know it’s hard, believe me I really know but you have to be strong and give him the space, let him miss you and that intensity.

3

What you need to realize is that this relationship started off somewhat on the left foot. You were in a relationship with someone else and he was married. You knew he was married and still chose to go ahead with it. From my past experience, this set-up is bound to trigger unbearable pain to you - pain that he still has a wife and lives with her, pain that he may never commit to a solid relationship with you, pain that he fails to acknowledge his feelings for you. The list can go on. Has he got a divorce yet? How serious is he about getting one? At times I feel he is looking for excuses to justify his lack of action but still get to have the “amazing sex” with you. Besides, if he can get physical intimacy with you WITHOUT getting a divorce from his wife, why should he bother? I would say that all comes down to what you really want from this guy. Do you want him as your committed partner? If yes, I would draft a letter saying what you want from him and that you are getting the feeling based on his actions that he may not be ready to reciprocate and you guys may not be on the same page right now. Basically I would convey the message that I respect myself enough to break this vicious cycle and that I deserve more than what he has given me. After that, I would do a strict NC on him for at least 2-3 months. I know, several websites suggest 30-day NC but from my experience, guys generally need more time than that to process what’s happening. In case you have not read my story, I stayed away from my ex for over 5 months. We started seeing each other again about two months ago and so far so good. Moreover, if you are scared that giving him 2-3 months of NC will make him forget you or not want to be with you, then, I can certainly tell you that he was never yours to start with and perhaps it would be best to seek closure and move on. If he truly cares for you and wants to keep you in his life, he will man up and grab you before someone else does. Good luck!

4

Thank you so much guys for your reply and for reading my story. I am doing the NC rule since last time I wrote him an email to ask for explanation. He hasn’t reply and as you suggested I’ll give him some space without reaching out to him. I’ll let him make the first step if he wants to reach out. It is still all very confusing to be told that the relationship is too intense. I am already working on the closure and moving on as I don’t want to be expecting anything as I suspect he is also working on the closure. I’ll let you know. Still very much looking for some of your comments and advices…

5

You should both be ashamed. He commits adultery and you cheated on your boyfriend. His line about the relationship being too intense is a bunch of nonsense. It’s been years and he could have been divorced by now, but he’s still married! You are the side action mistress, the back up girl. He will never be able to make you happy under the current circumstances! Whatever he writes in response to your email will most likely be more lies. If he ever gets a divorce, you might have a chance to have a respectable relationship. You need to cut him out of your life completely and continue moving on. Sorry, that’s the brutal truth.

6

Hi there, Patricia12 I have been very honest writing down the all story and I am not here on this board to have people making such harsh judgement on people’s life. As you know feelings are difficult emotions that sometimes take over and let you do things that you feel are right at the time.

I followed your advice Laura H and wrote him another note where I stated basically that I respect myself enough to break this vicious cycle and that I deserve more than what he has given me. I’ll follow the strict NC rules for 3 months and if hasn’t contacted me during this period, I’ll never reach out to him again because as you stated it will mean that he didn’t care.

cg991m your words were blessing and made me feel better if you do think that indeed he is feeling something that he has never experienced before and that he might indeed love me. Time will tell and it is possible that I will move on and that life will continue without him in it.

I’ll keep you posted and I hope that all of you are feeling better and getting what you want in life.

7

Hi

Nice to hear that you have kicked off your NC - it’s not going to be a smooth ride but you can do this! Good luck and keep us posted.

8

Hi there, just coming back to give some update. I am not with my boyfriend anymore as I told him what had happened with the other guy. I am free and ready to get into Spring mood and enjoy life but today has been a hard day as I have been thinking of him a lot. I haven’t heard from him since I last reached out which was on 17/04, almost a month now. I haven’t contacted him at all since that date and I won’t but he hasn’t as well and some days are harder than other such as today. I am still waiting for a sign from him which is just annoying…

9

Hi

I am a little confused about which man you are waiting to hear from - the married guy or your former boyfriend? Have you cut all contact with the married one too?

10

Hi Laura, i am waiting to hear back from the married guy with whom I have cut all contact since the last email on 17/04…

11

Ok. It makes sense now. I know how hard it is to distract yourself from thinking of this guy all the time, but hang in there…you are not alone, most of us on this board are going through this as we speak…try to stay strong and give him plenty of time to decide what he wants to do with his life. There is never a guarantee and the chances are usually slimmer in case of married people; however, I would say, let time decide. If you don’t hear anything positive from him within the next 2-3 months (without you initiating further contact), chances are, things may not change in your favour and perhaps it’s time to move on.

12

That is it! We just spoke today and we spoke about the breakup. He stated that he didn’t act well, that he was sorry. He explained that he had been enjoying the moment but that suddenly he realized that this was not what he wanted in his life and to make a long story short he said that although nothing could take away what we had he wasn’t in love with me and that he had to stop the whole relationship. He mentioned that we should speak again in a few weeks when the emotion will have settle a bit but I told him that I don’t think it was necessary since we will be saying the same thing that we just said. He added that we will write to me but that it might take longer but since he promised he will do it, he will take the time to write down his emotion. I didn’t reply. I am moving on. Nothing to hope now, it is all over for good! Oh well, time will heal my heart, nothing I can do now. Thanks for having listening to me. And I wish you all the best and happy recovery and to be reunited with the person you love.

13

Hi

Sorry to hear the new update and I can imagine how much you must be hurting right now.
At least, he finally said it out loud so that you do not hold on to this story and keep hoping for a future with him. Nothing that I write here will make you feel better, I know, but as you said, time is great healer. Stay strong and take time to re-build your optimism and find your inner peace. Things will start looking up, I promise :slight_smile: Good luck!

14

So many months later, we decided to meet, I told him I only had an hour and he was ok with it. We had planned a date, he confirmed the date the day before, stating that we could meet me between 7pm and 8pm. I didn’t reply and never went to the planned meeting.

A week after, I sent him a message stating that I wasn’t feeling comfortable with him not being responsive of my feelings. I asked him if I could call him and he said yes right away. I called and I told him let’s have diner instead. He was happy with that. We just had diner together and it was very awkward. He asked me how my ex boyfriend was doing and I explained that he wasn’t happy with the situation. He answered that’s funny how life is, meaning that we run after people that don’t love us. The conversation was very high level, literature, work, he was charming at time and I SO wanted to kiss him and then it went flat, I felt boredom, I said can we go now, he answered yes, we kissed each other on the cheeks and I left. We spent 2 hours together, 2 hours at time that we connected and disconnected.

15

We didn’t contact each others since our last meeting in September and I sent him this message for the New Year on January 9th “Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrong” Charlotte Bronte, Happy New Year 2017", he answered an hour later with picture of a path and the following “Honest people don’t hide their deeds” Emily Bronte - Happy New Year Sampa" What did he mean by this quote? please let me know! Thank you

16

Dishonest people hide their motives and actions with lies.