Six months into our relationship (we were exclusive) I had gone to my doctors as had a painful and very heavy period. My doctor told me I had had a miscarriage. I decided not to tell my partner because I was scared it would ruin our new relationship and might freak him out, I was on the pill but had been ill a few weeks prior and the antibiotics had made it non effective.
I thought it would be easy to keep it from him and knew it was a mistake in retrospect but to cut a long story short I freaked out (the hormones were insane) and I ended up finishing with him over a long rambling email, making up lots of random excuses.
His response was cold and formal like he was writing to a patient and it hurt me, I found him so controlled with his emotions it was always hard to know what he was saying was how he really felt, I also think his job made him cynical and difficult to read. My reaction was to spent the next week twoing and throwing absuive emails to him until he finally told me never to contact him again or even look at him if we saw each other.
One day later I wrote him an email apologising for my behaviour and told him the truth about the miscarriage.
He gave me a three sentence reply which was formal and then that was it… nothing.
I was once again angry at him for not being supportive, but on the other hand who wants to support a emotional and hormonal lunatic. He made me feel like I was mental, and I decided to just cut contact with him completely.
The aftermath was hard and I fell deeply depressed about the whole situation. Two weeks later he emails me to say he misses me and thinks of me often but is afraid to see me or try again incase I see him as weak. I emailed back a lovely email to say I would like that but at the moment felt terrible anxiety but would call when back from a short holiday.
Two days before I am back I email him to say I miss him and get no response.
The day I am back I email again to say can I go for a walk with him after work along the river to talk. He sends me a rude and short email back saying after I blew him off in our last communication he doesn’t feel he can give it another go.
I was so confused I never blew him off… he had misunderstood me and after explaining he then replies the next day with another formal email of 3 times he can meet me which are hour windows in between seeing his clients.
I expressed I’m not a client and I cannot work through him with this if he continues talking to me like that. His response is cold again and I just tell him to forget it and I’m done completely with it all.
We end up having a final arguement where he tells me in no uncertain terms never to email him again or even look at him if I cross him in the street.
When a person in that profession talks to you like this you feel worse than you would with anyone else because this is meant to be a person who understands emotions and the mind, he had me feeling like I was some kind of stalker.
I made no contact with him at all after that and instead of being sad was angry as I felt like he had been quite manipulating to my emotions, that just because of my verbally abusive out burst and because I had hurt him by dumping him it had been forgotten that I suffered a miscarriage which was incredibly upsetting for me. Not once did he ask or consider how I was coping with that.
I changed all my patterns of times i knew he left his home (we live near each other) so I wouldn’t bump into him… and about 3 weeks after last contact I started feeling like I was getting my energy back. I also had got myself addicted to the painkillers the doctor gave me, I took them for a month instead of the three days I was meant to. I’m not into drugs or rarely drink alcohol but I found the whole experience became too much and I liked the numbing feeling the painkillers gave me.
I went completely cold turkey on my own which was awful, but was only a week until I felt better. Anyway I digress. After 3 weeks of no contact I get an email off him which is a link he found of a podcast about my home town.
I send him a smiley face emoji back and then 24 hours he responds with something similar.
About 5 hours later I decide to tell him I am confused, he tells me never to contact him again then sends that out of the blue?
12 hours later no reply. Keep in mind this is the weekend, he is always checking his emails and I know he is just playing games with the delayed responses.
In light of all the crap I’ve dealt with the last month or so I start feeling angry at him again. Last night I sent an email explaining to him that by sending that link out of the blue and because of the nature of our last contact I felt confused and upset by it. I explained that to him it probably meant nothing but for me it had ruined my weekend with me over analysing if he wanted to reconnect or missed me. I said I had beaten myself up over what happened and was finally getting my energy back and left with nice thoughts of our time together but now sending this and being so vague afterwards has set me back to thinking he just likes to trigger reactions in people. I said any communication he has with me after what he last said should be clear and consise on what his intentions are as anything else is just bringing back my suffering and prolonging myself not to move on, I ask politely please not to do that again.
That was 24 hours ago and nothing back.
I have spent the whole day in bed feeling completely depressed and shattered again. I wish I had not even responded in the first place bcause as soon as I did it felt like the games began once more.
Was I wrong to be offended by such a flakey email with no explanation or words in light of him treating me like a stalker and telling me never to contact him again before? I feel like I am being played with for revenge over hurting him, or maybe I am just thinking to much. I am so upset tonight and feel like I’ve been kicked down and all the feelings of blame for not being honest in the first place are back like a fresh wound.
I’m sorry for the long story I just hope someone can offer me advice on where I go from here. Part of me always hoped he would come back in time and be able to see the situation for what it was and find understanding. The other part feels angry that this man is someone who people go to to feel better but for me he hadn’t shown one ounce of care or support, not even as a partner but as a human being who was clearly in pain.
