My Boyfriend and I Have Been Together for 3 Years But He's Leaving Me For His Ex

alessana · September 27, 2014, 1:17am

Hi there,

I’ve known this guy since I was 15 and now I’m 18.
We’re both the same age btw. We went to the same school and stuffs but obviously now we’ve graduated high school and going to different places to continue our studies. I am really close to him. He’s everything to me, not just a boyfriend, he’s my soulmate, best friend, just he’s almost everything.

So we first met at school, like I said it happened when we were 15 and I fell in love at first sight. We started hanging out and we got close because I was helping him to get my bestie at that time since he was in love with her, let’s just call her Erica. And after 8 months of knowing each other, he finally pushed her away and went with me. And all was good of course, or I thought it was.

So although we had a lot of happy times but quite many problems happened along the way of our relationship and there was also issues about him not getting over Erica but we talked about it and I seriously thought we managed to get over that.

And suddenly out of the blue he asked for a breakup when we were almost at our 3rd anniversary and blocked my number, practically blocked me on everything to get in contact with him and I must admit I was pretty pissed off and upset but dumbfounded. He never blocked me before no matter how bad we were fighting about something. So then he eventually unblocked me after almost a week and said that he needed time alone and to see where his heart wanders off, and he said it went to me, so like he’s saying he needs confirmation that he still has feelings for me and all that.

So, of course I was pretty relieved at first. Then again, he suddenly was like saying don’t believe him and all that. At that point, I was so sick of all these games he was playing, I just broke down. I feel so dead inside.

He was like saying,
I love Erica. I can’t deny it anymore. I can’t get over her. I think she’s the one. I can’t be with you anymore and a lot more of that stuff. He even said he likes me but doesn’t love me. Oh wow, it feels like a slap in the face.

I was so upset and angry and just breaking apart that I cried so hard I feel like I was going blind. Because throughout our relationship, I gave him more than one chance to think about choosing between me and Erica. I really did because I didn’t want to get hurt and I don’t want it to be a one-way love. But still, he choose me all the time over her when I gave him all those chances.

And now, this is what he’s saying? I mean seriously, after all I’ve done for him? After all this time? After all we’ve been through? Wth is this?

I just don’t understand why he’s doing this. Now he’s like trying to push me away but I haven’t really let go or given up. I do call him and text him a few times. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he don’t. So like it’s not the best kind of conversation.

We broke up right after our 3rd anniversary, and that was actually my request since he actually wanted to break up a week before that but since I wanted to celebrate our 3rd anniversary, so he accepted my request and just hold on for a while.

So after that, we still kept contact with each other. One thing that really disturbs me is that a few days after the break up he said he loves me so much and that his heart has both me and Erica and he’s just gonna choose between us. Then, the next day he’ll say don’t trust him and he loves only Erica and he’s going after Erica and that he doesn’t hold responsibility if I believe him. He keeps on changing his words and it’s very disturbing to me.

He did say he cares about me and loves me. But I’m not really sure of that because of his attitude. He even texted me saying he extremely regret that like we talked on the phone yesterday and stuff when before that he was the one who was okay with it. He even sent me a screenshot of his phone’s wallpaper which is a photo of Erica and said he needed to clean up his mess for her.

Before that, he even like wanted to leave me because he was like saying he wanted to become a better man and all that. I think he just wants to be a better man for Erica though.

But really, is doing this to a woman like me really makes you a better man? That’s messed up.

He’s also leaving our hometown tomorrow to go to a university. The university he’s going is quite close to Erica’s university. He’s gonna be studying there while living with his grandmother though.

Look, I know that he and Erica is probably still not a couple and they probably haven’t even talked to each other but man, it bugs me so much to even think about it.

Today is the 11th day after our break up. I just feel so lost and confused. I really do love him though.

I just don’t know what I should do now. I’m trying so hard to stay strong and not break down and cry all the time! I’ve got my trial college exam this Tuesday and a lot of things to go through but now it feels so hard.

What should I do? What is he thinking? Why is he doing this?

Any clues or advice? What do you think?

I really need help and I appreciate all your advices, kind words and support.

Thank you so much x

clear · September 27, 2014, 2:20am

You should really cut of all contact with him, do NC. He is confused and he doesn’t know if he loves you or Erica? Make him know that you’re not going to find yourself in that situation. Make him miss you, my advice for you is to go NC and ignore him for a while.

divjun · September 27, 2014, 4:40am

You both were together for 3 years that means he loves you but he is having some doubts about it.right?
Dont worry! Start with nc today.
Give him his space and time.
Everything happens for a reason
God bless

alessana · September 27, 2014, 6:56am

@clear

Do you think he’s still confused now? I’m scared that he might already made up his mind since his last action was actually sending a screenshot of his phone’s wallpaper which is a photo of Erica and saying he wanted to clean up his mess for her. He also said that he forgives me and hopes I forgive him and that the we are in good terms. He’s going to leave for university tomorrow so today I might call him and have a talk for one last time before he leave our hometown and before I start NC. Any advice on what I should say or do for this last call with him before I go NC? I’m so nervous to talk to him today because it feels like I need to make this right because it’s before I do NC. The pressure is killing me. Help!

alessana · September 27, 2014, 7:03am

@divjun Thanks so much for replying, I really appreciate it

Yeah we were together as a couple for 3 years but we first met on January 2011.
I don’t know what to think. I feel like he loves me but I just can’t be sure.
But, he does seems really annoyed when I call him to the point where he even screamed at me on the phone and hung up. It was weird though because at that time I wasn’t even arguing with him or anything, I was just merely saying what I feel. Deep down inside, I feel like I need to put myself together and do NC. Although I’m quite afraid that being the person I am that is not so strong, I might not be able to do NC. But whatever it is, I need to start doing NC tomorrow because I feel like that might only be the thing that will save our relationship. So I’ll just risk whatever it takes and do NC and hope for the best. Since tomorrow he’s leaving for his university so basically he’s leaving our hometown, I’ll have our last call tonight before I start the NC tomorrow. Any advice on what I should say or do for this last call with him before I go NC? I’m so nervous to talk to him today because it feels like I need to make this right because it’s before I do NC. The pressure is killing me. Help!

bguarino · September 27, 2014, 9:23am

Wow you are in a tough situation. I feel for you. Your best friend and boyfriend. If it wasn’t for the 3 years it almost sounds like he was using you as a rebound or to get Erica jealous. But 3 years is a long time and he must have feelings for you and will not forget you. Also college, or unvi, is a big step, meeting new people trying new things, and people change. Keep that in mind.

So he sent you a screenshot of his phone and it was a photo of Erica? That doesn’t sound nice. Also if calling him gets him upset then I advise that you do not call him tonight. The worst thing you can do is stir up angry feelings because it will only take longer for him to forget them. You should start NC NOW and work on yourself. Project a positive image on social media, but nothing obvious to try to get his attention or make him jealous. He needs to miss you on his own and realize what he gave up.

divjun · September 27, 2014, 12:40pm

Dont call him. If you really want to say anything to him, just text him. Simple.
Starting NC is tough but it will get better with days. You ll get used to not hearing from him.
Give him hus time.
If he sent you a screenshot of his wallpaper then its quite possible that he wanted to hurt you with that.
Dont forget absence makes the heart grow fonder.
In this time you can also be sure about if you really want him back or not. And it will also give your ex time to realise what he truely wants.
Dont worry just go with the flow

alessana · September 27, 2014, 1:18pm

@bguarino Hey there, thanks so much for replying, I really appreciate it

Well, yeah it’s been 3 years that me and him have been a couple and I feel like I’m too used to having him around all this time that it makes it harder for me to wake up everyday and just having to make sure my mind set is no longer including him but more focusing on me.

About Erica, she doesn’t really talk to me after he left her to be with me. Erica and I are not enemy but more like an acquaintance. I think she actually broke up with him on purpose because he knew how much feelings I had for him. But I didn’t know that until a few months after me and him became a couple. But after that, Erica seemed alright and I think she moved on and she even became an honour student at school. So yeah, I’m pretty glad things are going good for her because to me although we’re no longer best friends, I really care for her and I think she’s a really nice person and I value that. But, of course, not to the point where I’ll give him up for her haha.

Yeah, it was really heartbreaking to see the screenshot he sent me. I swear I felt like my heart just shattered into pieces. I’m still so anxious over that fact that he’s leaving our hometown in like less than 24 hours from now to continue his studies. He’s gonna be so far away from me and I hate to think about it. We’ve never been this far apart, distance wise of course since we first met. I feel like it ruins my chances to get back with him more than ever.

I did try to call him like a few times tonight just to talk to him before he goes to his university tomorrow but of course he never picked up my call nor did her replied to my text. So I just stayed calm and did some other things to distract my mind from it. But still, I really feel like I need to say a few things to him and do it properly before he leaves tomorrow because from that moment I’m gonna start NC.

Any clues on what I should say to him before I start NC?

Oh yeah, I must admit I’ve learned to stop the tears and I’m impressed with that myself. I do get a few hits at randoms and it makes me think about him and miss him so badly but I’m trying hard to pull myself together and just do this.

Hmm, any ideas what I should do to manage my feelings so I can get my life organized?

alessana · September 27, 2014, 1:31pm

@divjun Hey hunn, thanks for still replying, you’re the best!

Deep down, I know that NC is the only way I can take to fix this situation. This is my last resort and I’ll risk it anytime. I really feel like although our relationship definitely had it ups and downs but it was the first time I felt like I finally found a man that makes me feel complete. Through the years I had with him, I feel lucky enough to even spent those moments with him. I know it’s true love because although at times I wanna kill him, I know I can’t live without him. He’s just the first man who I really had taken seriously and even had pictured him as my future husband and spend the rest of my life with him. I miss him so much that it’s torturing me. But I keep on reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and if I’m sad, it’s not the end because everyone deserves a happy ending no matter what. I hope you can be with me throughout this journey because although I seem okay on the outside, I’m actually breaking apart and so fragile on the inside.

Hmm, do you think he’s gonna miss and think about me after he leaves our hometown to continue his studies tomorrow? Is there any chance that he loves me and wanna get back with me? What should I to hold on now?

divjun · September 27, 2014, 2:00pm

See babe, I too had a 3 year long relationship and I know he is missing me. He just called me half an hour ago.
He is also in college now but u know what if you felt that strong feeling for him, he too felt that.
He might be enjoying there and having tye time of his life, but deep down he knows there is a girl who loved me a lot and is missing from his life.

Like you said its not the end because you are not happy right now. So just wait for your good times.
I know its hard but you dont have any option left

alessana · September 28, 2014, 9:23am

@divjun Thanks again for replying hunn

I don’t know, I feel like I’m all over the place. I feel like he does’t even miss at all and just doing fine without me. I have been holding in the tears for a few days and I’m quite impressed myself that I managed to do that. I keep on thinking that he’s now forgotten me and being all over Erica. If Erica is not in the situation, I would probably not feel so bad because I feel like I have a higher chance of getting back to him. I just feel like this whole issue about Erica and him leaving our hometown for univeristy is not giving me a chance to even make him miss me or come back to me. I’ve been thinking and I think I should start doing NC this Tuesday because I wanted to at least say something to him because he’s starting a new chapter in his life with leaving our hometown, continuing his studies at a university etc. What should I say to him before I start NC? Really hope you can give me ideas on that because I really feel like I need to say something properly to him before NC to make sure he doesn’t think that I’m leaving him or moving or things like that because truth is I’m actually missing him a lot and there is nothing I want more now than hearing him say he loves me. I feel like I’m gonna breakdown any second. This site is the only thing that keeps me going.

So please help, any suggestions what should I say to him before I start NC?

alessana · September 28, 2014, 9:28am

Help, I feel like he doesn’t need me at all since he told me he loves Erica and all. But I can’t believe that he doesn’t have any feelings for me at all. I’m confused but I really feel like we’re meant to be because everything was okay between us throughout the relationship. True, we had some issues with communication. But we were so comfortable with each other and even he admitted that. Do I still stand a chance? Should I start the NC or not? I feel like If I do, he might just think I’ve moved on and have forgotten him when it’s the exact opposite. But I feel like, who knows that NC might help and I should just risk it and take a chance on it.

I miss him so so much. I try to be happy but I can’t stop thinking of him.

Please help me anyone, I would be glad to hear your thoughts, thanks x

divjun · September 28, 2014, 9:57am

Hey again,
Well according to me you should say whatever you feel inside about this whole situation.
But do tell him that you want to heal from this and you’ll no longer be in touch with him ( don’t tell him about 30 day NC)
you wish him good luck for his life.
And yes, just text him all this and also write that you dont even expect a reply of this text.
Tell him you love him but don’t tell him you want him back.
I think its important for him to know your feelings for him in order to decide what he actually wants.
Be strong you’re doing great. Start with NC right after that text and even if he replies to that, make sure you don’t reply back.
First 2 weeks will be hard but it will get better with passing days

And hey. I broke NC because he was trying to see if I still care for him or not.

alessana · September 28, 2014, 10:29am

@divjun Hey girl, great to hear from you again

Yeah, I was planning on telling him I love him and will always be here for him no matter what and hope he will be doing great in university and all.

Should I really tell him that I want to heal and I don’t wanna contact him and all that?

I thought I wanted to left that part out just to let him be a little curious to why I’m suddenly no longer contacting him.

Or do you think that’s a bad idea? Any opinion dear?

Because starting from recently like on last Thursday he screamed at me on the phone and hung up. He even texted me saying me I’m so pushy, a dictator etc. I think it was because I was all needy and all at the first place. But then I said I just wanna talk with him in peace and just be in good terms with him and hope he forgives my mistakes. He did say he forgive me for everything and he hopes I forgive him for everything too. I didn’t say I forgive him but I did say that I’m glad we’re in good terms and all and told him to take care. Since then, he haven’t picked up my calls nor did he replied to my texts. But, he hasn’t blocked my number from calling him.

Is this a bad thing or a good thing? What do you think hunn? I’m a lil confused.

divjun · September 28, 2014, 2:02pm

Ummm… It would be better if u just leave a short text.
And do tell him that you wont contact him because he doesnt like that.

Don’t tell him about the healing thing.

Well I m getting confused too…hahah

aamls · September 28, 2014, 7:13pm

are you doing no contact? if so how long have you been doing no contact for already? I just saw you havent stared nc yet. I would suggest writing him a letter and leaving it somewhere for him to get it before he leaves. let out everything in this letter and then start no contact, even if he reply’s to you. also I think that the reason he sent you the text was to get a reaction from you. you need to work on yourself and do better for yourself. you sound very strong and this is a good thing. the reason he is probably messing around with your “friend” is because he wants to probably explore and see whats out there for him (thinks the grass is greener on the other side) and see who or what he can get, also probably to make you jealous. everything your feeling is normal as everyone feels those same ways. concentrate on your college and keep yourself busy. rely on family and friends for support. your doing great. why did you break up though? what was the reason. there is a chance for you to get him back. stay strong.

alessana · September 29, 2014, 4:54am

@aamls Hey hunn, thanks so much for replying! Your words touched my heart

I haven’t started NC like officially but I’ll be starting NC tomorrow since I’m thinking of sending him a text today and telling him properly what I feel before starting NC tomorrow. He has left our hometown yesterday and today he’s starting his first day at his university. He hasn’t picked up any of my calls nor did he replied to any of my texts so I’m thinking of texting him for one last time today before I start NC tomorrow. I really need ideas on what I should tell him in the text before I start the NC. I feel so nervous all of sudden. If you have any ideas what I should say to him before I start NC tomorrow, let me know!

About the break up, like I mentioned in the title, basically he’s leaving me after our 3 year relationship for his ex which is my old bestie from high school who is Erica. After me and him got together on 2011, me and Erica were never the same, we weren’t enemies, just acquaintances. Look, I know that he and Erica is probably still not a couple and they probably haven’t even talked to each other but man, it bugs me so much to even think about it. Plus, the university he is currently studying at now is close to the place where Erica studies at.

He asked for a breakup when we were almost at our 3rd anniversary and blocked my number, practically blocked me on everything to get in contact with him and I must admit I was pretty pissed off and upset but dumbfounded. He never blocked me before no matter how bad we were fighting about something. So then he eventually unblocked me after almost a week and said that he needed time alone and to see where his heart wanders off, and he said it went to me, so like he’s saying he needs confirmation that he still has feelings for me and all that.