So my ex and I dated for 4.5 years until about three weeks ago. We have always been happy and in love, planning a future together. Last year she studied abroad and made a few new friends with the people she was there with. During this time we obviously couldn’t communicate as much and the experience was very stressful for her. As a result she had to rely on her new friends to help her with anxiety. She returned right before christmas and we were still extremely happy. Fast forward to march and a week before our 4 year anniversary, she is about to go away for spring break (school related). As she explained she went to say goodbye to her friends before leaving campus (we were both going to stay at her house before she left) she went to say goodbye to her one male friends (we both mutually agree now that hes a jerk). Apparently he had provided her with a lot of support while abroad and I hadn’t been helping her enough so she kissed him. Again he was a jerk and “slobbed all over her” and she broke down crying to me over hurting me but also because she felt he used her and wasnt actually being a friend. I forgave her but never fully held her accountable and over the next six months held back and wasnt as supportive. Before this event I was looking into proposing within the year but all thoughts stopped.
I exaggerated small issues in my mind and eventually and abruptly ended things. I quickly came to my senses and asked to get back together which she agreed to after talking. At this point she exclaimed she didnt or couldnt love the same or as much due to the pain i caused her and that we would need to work on things. The following month was spent well but we both let the communication slip. This ended with her saying she was forcing herself to be ok with being with me due to the pain i caused but also didnt know what to do. Admittedly that month was not handled well enough and we didnt step back or communicate enough. So she ended things and asked to cut off all contact instead of trying to talk. Initially we were going to wait a month but i caved just past two weeks. We met under unfortunate circumstances and instead of calming talking i broke down begging. She cried, got mad, got frustrated, said she couldnt do this and drove off. I asked to talk the next day which she barely agreed to. I apologized for the night before, did not beg or ask to be together and spent most of two hours opening up about all the feelings i had over the past six months as to clear the air and have no hidden feelings. She cried and left saying she was mad and frustrated as to how long it took me to open up and express my feelings.
I have tried to enjoy my life since she left me by spending time with friends and family, going to the gym, seeing a therapist and just not being depressed. My issue is that no matter how much she said she didnt want to be with me she added in a “maybe in a few…”, she also only ever explained that she was mad or frustrated and would cry when doing so. When i last saw her, her expression seemed that of heartbreak because she wanted to be together but doesnt want to risk getting hurt again. She has removed me (not blocked) from all social media but may have now blocked my phone number. I want to try my best at NC for at least a month but out best friends are in the same group and i cant get past the idea that she does love me and is mad because to not be together means she has to deny it.
I think I only messed up the original NC because i broke down begging but the next day ended fairly calm and mutual with the exception of that is she blocked my phone than it was after. We have only ever been with each other, have only wanted to so, and hate the idea of dating/hook ups and all things associated with tinder so i doubt she will rebound soon if at all but i know that she has at least one bad (extremely sex addicted) friend who wont accept her wanting to be single and will want her to do something meaningless which if accomplished will make her feel terrible about herself (it took almost two years for us to be ready to be fully intimate). i dont want to try and protect her but hate the idea of her being with someone in a meaningless way and like i said there is at best a .001% chance she doesnt feel disgusted and depressed if she was with someone new.