Lost My Ex Of 7 Years To Someone Else But Want Her Back, Please Help

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

I had been with a girl for nearly seven years, at first we were tremendously happy and so in love, we moved in together ( I moved to her town) and got engaged,we had a fantastic intermate sex life unlike anything we both had experienced before full of tenderness and passion, and we were also best friends,but there were problems, her jealousy and insecurities would flare up quite often, which I would take as a personal attack and not really talk about properly and be worried about it happening again, I also worked shifts in another town over an hour away, which caused friction as she was quite often left home alone and lonely, despite this we were very happy and had huge love for each other.

Unknown to us until fairly recently I have struggling with a form of aspergers , a result of which is that, I don’t always think and behave as most people would, if something bothers me I don’t talk about it for fear of starting conflict and then it builds up inside until it becomes too much for me and I have a form of breakdown and run away, when it gets that bad I have no choice involved, its so overwhelming and the problem stays with me for a long time and I am unable to face communication during that time, this was after a year and a half.
After some time it passes leaving me filled with regret and devastated at the damage I have done to her.
I would have NEVER EVER chosen to leave her at any point in my life, I love her so much, she was the one, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her, get married, have kids, be part of your family and make her happy for the rest of our lives but I struggled to communicate that to her after each breakdown.

After my first breakdown we got back together but didn’t get re-engaged, I couldn’t seem to fully recommit, I was full of a lot if fear about it happening again which prevented me from seeking help and when I was with Her again I was so happy that it masked my problems and I didn’t recognise the signs until it was to late and the whole process happened again.

Even when the first notion of me having aspergers came about, my fear of it and finding out what it really meant kept me from getting diagnosed for far too long.

Every time I had a breakdown I would move back to my home town as I had no where else to go.

No words could explain the hurt and regret for what I have done to her, she a most fantastic, wonderful, caring, beautiful person and I love her with all my heart, body and soul, I could never love anyone else as much as her, she is the light of my life, and knowing I have caused her so much pain and heartbreak is soul destroying.
The amount of love she had for me was huge and she put up with more than any other person I know.

After I came out of my last breakdown, It was like a vale had been lifted from my mind and I knew that I couldn’t allow this to happen again, I had never been so determined to sort out my problems, I would fix myself and I wanted to prove to her so much that I loved her and that I would conquer my issues and give her the safety, security and love that she deserves.
She said that the only way she could be with me again was if I got a job in her home and moved there, which I was totally prepared to do.
I went to the Doctors for help and I am in the process of being assessed for the type of aspergers I have, so that I could get help and recognise the start of a breakdown and how to prevent it.
I started a therapy to learn how to deal with my emotions and than a different relationship therapy to help me recognise problems and communicate better. I started applying for jobs in the same town as her, any jobs that would pay enough to survive to start with just so that we could be together.
We would meet up and talk and I know she was very worried about being hurt again but was so pleased I was making an effort,
I finally got an interview and I was so happy….
But it was too late…….
I had hurt her so much and too much time had passed…… And the worst thing possible happened, she stopped being in love with me and found someone else.

There are just no words to explain my pain and loss, I am completely heartbroken and destroyed, I have died inside. I will never get over her, she is my soulmate.
Throughout every thing I always believed that we would pull through this and live our lives together, making each other happy, and growing old together.
The thought of her being with someone else is too much to bear.
The light has gone from my world.

I emailed and asked to meet, which she agreed to and wanting to show my commitment to her I took a ring and proposed, it was all I could do to show how committed to her, I also had a ring for me so other people could see my commitment, but she turned me down saying that she would always love me but she now had feeling for this other guy, after only a WEEK!!! and he lives in another town which was the cause of a lot of our problems and her loneliness.

I believe that the feelings that she had for me are being deferred to this new person as she was lonely and had been hurting for so long and when he met her he showed her warmth and she latched on to it.

It kills me to know that this is all my fault and that if I had acted sooner this would have never happened and it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Despite all this I truly WANT her to be happy and safe, she deserves that more than anything but I can’t be her friend as I would be unable to bear news of her happiness with someone other than me, I would die all over again.

Tomorrow it will be 30 days of no contact, I’ve been trying to keep positive and improve myself, working out, new clothes, trying new things both for myself and in the hope that if she ever did contact me again I would be more attractive. I have blocked her on facebook as I can’t stand to see her with this new bloke and have heard nothing from her in any other way, the real kicker is that she was in contact with a mutual friend and asked her to keep an eye on me when this first happened but since then hasn’t enquired once about how I am, so I guess she is totally wrapped up in this new guy and I’ve been forgotten.

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Also the trouble with my condition is things tend to get stuck in my head and go round and round and the thought of her being with this other guy like she was with me, on the bed her mum brought for us drives me insane, the weekends are the worst as I know that’s when they will be together, I know she is lonely and needs to be loved and that I have to get over this but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

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does anyone have any advice?

4

that does sound really tough, and you’re right - alot like my situation. I dont really understand what actually happens when you have these “breakdowns”? You build up these issues in your mind and then you disappear? for how long? are you talking to her during this time? im just confused as to what happens to your relationship when that would happen. maybe you can explain more?

And yes I personally know exactly how it feels to have your recent ex move into someone elses arms. it makes you want to die. and im sorry this is also happening to you. I’m not an expert in getting your ex back once they already jumped into a rebound relationship - but perhaps a.z. or another member would be able to help out with that part of the plan. a.z. has a lot of experience helping people on this site.

Hopefully you found this website and started following the steps quickly after your breakup. Has she contacted you at all during your NC period? Hopefully its just a rebound and she will quickly realize that she cant replace your love and your bond that you had during your relationship.

i think you should see a doctor and perhaps get prescribed some medicine to get you over this initial breakup. I went to the doctor today and took my first pill… i dont know if im imagining this but its like every time i try to think about my ex or a memory i have of us… its like the pill wont allow me to focus on that thought and my thoughts divert to something else. Sounds crazy but i already feel a little better. I am also going to schedule meeting with a therapist to seek professional advice and support. Theres no shame in seeking help and ultimately making yourself better than the person you are now.

Let me know whats going on with any updates. What is your next plan? i’ll follow your thread to stay in touch. Remember to be strong, you’re not alone in facing a situation like this, and we’ll all here to help out.

5

Thanks for the kind words.
The “breakdowns” are a bit hard to explain but its when I am no longer in full control and just have to leave, no matter what she said I had to get out of the door and go. The relationship is on a break until I gain control again and can speak to her sometimes a day or two at worst a couple of weeks, I hurt her so badly everytime yet she still took me back up until the last one which is when I knew I had to sort myself out, talk about bad timing.

I don’t know who a.z. is but if you could send him my way I would be most grateful.

I have had no contact with her since the day I proposed which makes it 30 days tomorrow and she hasn’t tried to contact me at all, I am planning on writing to her soon so I can see how the land lies, most of my friends male and female think she is in a rebound.

Ive been on various pills for a month now beta-blockers to start with as my heart was racing to much then antidepressants this past week, Im just waiting for them to start working, strangely enough this evening has been one of the better ones for a while.

I’ll keep following you too, one way or another we will get through this.

6

Hi Supertedwin,

You were together for 7 years so it I don’t see how she would already be over you. You must definitely be on her mind and that new guy is a rebound. She must feel comfortable with him because he does not have your issues and it makes her life simpler.

Given your situation and the length of your relationship with her I think you should perhaps extend the NC period by another month or two and focus on your medical problem in the meantime. If she contacts you then great and you can tell her this is still work in progress but that you have gone a long way: you have recognised the issue, got it diagnosed, and you are seeking help. If she doesn’t then by the time you reach out to her you would have things back into your control because you can only do so if you have made positive changes in your life.

I concur with NeverGiveUp that a.z. would give you good advice. Hopefully she will have a look at your story soon.

Hope this helps!
Emily.

7

Thanks Emily, I do believe that more NC is needed but at the same time I’m scared to death that she will totally get over me and fall for this new guy.

I try to remain positive and keep on bettering myself but I have had a lot of low moments lately and some highs, its a bit of a roller-coaster.

I did find out from a friend that her new guy is the complete opposite of me, a slimy cityboy sales(con)man who is a complete lad who lives in a different town, into football and cars with loads of female “friends”, not her type at all but if he’s good at sales I guess he swept her off her feet, I can only pray that she see’s through him before too long, it kills me to know she’s with someone else especially as its the weekend again.

I’m going to write a letter this weekend, just saying that I hope she’s happy and doing well and that I think of her from time to time and that I’m here if ever she needs me, maybe a cryptic sentence on new developments in my life to catch her interest.
I’m planning on keeping it very brief and just using it as a reminder of me and a way of keeping a line of communication open so if it does go bad with her and this bloke she would feel able to contact me.

What are your thoughts on this?

I wont be sending it until Monday so I’ll have a couple of days to get it right and run it by you guys before hand.

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If you send this letter I think you need to make sure you put in there that you think the break up was a good idea and apologize for anything that may have been wrong in your relationship and that you are bettering yourself of yourself. Just stay positive don’t give too much away. But I also don’t know if you should send it yet it wait a couple more weeks. Maybe wait and see what others think.

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Hi supertedwin,

I agree with Leslie. Take the time to figure out whether sending the letter is a good idea at this stage. Even if you decide not to send the letter I think writing it down is a good cathartic exercise anyway as it will help you release your emotions (onto paper so to speak). In any case avoid writing anything too clingy or emotional and the best way to do that is to keep the letter as short as possible, sweet but contained.

Best of luck! You have been doing great!

Emily.

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I will work on the letter but will wait to send it and will def let you guys see it. As for saying the break up was a good idea, in this case it wasnt really a proper breakup, it was the last episode I had in July and we were in the process of sorting things out, the last time I saw her was about 2 weeks before this guy contacted her and we went for a meal, then a walk around a lake holding hands discussing the future, resting her head on my shoulder and when it came time for me to leave she cried saying she would be lonely until she saw me again, I convinced her that we would talk on the phone loads and she felt better (remember we live in different towns).
We spoke quite a bit that week and one night she phoned me upset because on my martial arts club website there was a photo of me with my ex from before and lots of other people from about 9 years ago. I told her that it was there for promotional reasons but would make sure it came down and again she said thank you for making her feel better and she felt a lot happier, I also said I would send her some money to help buy food for the animals.
It was about a week later that this new guy swept her off her feet, its now been over five weeks and I have done over 30 days NC and as I said before I am so scared that she is over me and has really fallen for this Ahole.
I’m still struggling with how this happened we were meant to be living together again and my whole world has been turned upside down.
My friends tell me to stay strong and that there is hope and that she will see through him and come around but the longer she’s with him the harder it gets.

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So I found out today that this new guy has moved to the same town as my ex and had planned to from the start, he still works over an hour away though, he obviously saw she was low and targeted her so he had something set up for when he moved, they’re not living together which is something, if anything I’m going to take this as they can now mess things up quicker between them. I won’t be holding my breath but I will be improving myself whilst waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces.

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Here is what I came up with for the letter, please let me know what you think, I value your opinions and will take on board all criticisms.

“Dear ****,
I hope your well.
I thought I’d drop you a line as I found your CD in my glove box and wanted to return it to you.
I also wanted to say sorry for the pain I have caused you and how much I regret that things didn’t work out between us, and I sincerely hope you are happy and living a fulfilling, secure life which you deserve.
I hope you understood why I just needed a little time to get my thoughts together; I certainly was not wanting to cut you out of my life all together. I don’t want to throw the seven years away. No one knows me as well as you or can make me laugh the way you do.
Bizarrely life has been a bit of a blur the last few weeks, suddenly a whole load of new doors have opened (talk about trial by fire!) New job opportunities, new Aikido club, meditation and yoga and best of all I am getting a fantastic place set in the grounds of a family house with amazing gardens. All my friends have rallied round and are also keeping me very occupied. Still I do miss sharing all the fun daily things with you, you are still the person I consider to be my best friend.
Anyway remember you can always write me, call me, what ever suits you,
Take care
All my love
Ed”

Is it too much? not enough? I await your judgement.

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Hi Ed,

I find it very-well written. To me it ticks all the boxes, you are aplogizing for the pain and worry you caused, you are highlighting the changes you have made in your life and you let her know she can count on you if she needs to talk to someone. Most importantly you don’t come across as bitter or needy!

Let’s see what the others think!
Emily.

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Hi Emily,
thanks for getting back to me, I was also wondering if you read my posts about what I found out over the weekend and if this new info changes things for me?

How did your weekend go? I kept my fingers crossed for you, any news?

15

Hi Ed,

Apologies for the late reply! I did read your other posts the other day but something is not entirely clear to me. Was you ex already seeing that guy when you were techically still together? It’s good that your draft letter does not mention anything about him though…

To be honest I don’t know if this new information you got (from friends?) changes anything but if this guy is the predator you are describing she will see through it at some point. I think sending this letter might help her do that…

Emily.

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Hi Emily,
I suppose technically we weren’t official together as she had said she couldn’t fully be with me until I had moved to her town with a job, but we were seeing each other a lot for “dates” and speaking on the phone all the time. She would always enquire about how the job hunting was going and occasionally get frustrated about the time it was taking. We were always talking about being together again and me dealing with my issues (which I was) so we could have a more stable future.

I think your right about this new info if anything it will hopefully enable her to see through him quicker. I got a message from her brother this morning saying he can’t work out what she’s up to and won’t listen to him, and that sounds like typical rebound behaviour to me…

Ed

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Hi Ed,

OK so it really looks like she got impatient about the job hunting and that guy happened to be around - she most likely finds him “convenient” precisely because he has been around.

It’s a good thing you are in touch with her family, they seem to be on your side so to speak. The fact her brother worries about her and does not understand what she is doing means she is confused. And that’s a good sign for you!

Emily.

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Hi Emily,
I would say lonely rather than impatient, as we were living in different towns and I work shifts which made it harder to visit,and I know she was scared of being hurt yet again. she really had a lot of love for me which she did tell me and a friend of mine on a facebook message.
All I can do is wait and hope it ends sooner rather than later, its just knowing she is with someone else is the worst pain ever.

After a rough morning (I’m still not sleeping) I have decided to see what comes of the letter and make a continued determined effort on myself, later on I am going to the local Buddhist centre to try a meditation class and tonight I’m going to try a yoga class, maybe I’ll sleep after :slight_smile:

Ed

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Hi Ed,

I think she will come back to her senses, she just needs time to see things for what they are. Have you tried to take some sleeping pills? Combined with meditation they may work a treat on you - just as long as you are not taking one every day as your body quickly gets used to them.

Emily.

20

Hi Emily,
I was prescribed really strong sleeping tablets a few weeks back, they should have knocked me out and kept me out leaving me dopey but I would only get 4 hours tops on them because of the adrenaline I’m producing, so now I’m on beta-blockers to bring that down and anti-depressants to calm my mind they should start working over the next few days. I’ve got a meditation class in a few hours so I will practise what I learned tonight.

I just had a another message from her brother saying he wished we were still together and could be together so that’s good to know he’s on my side.

Ed