ha ha ha… Of course not! I would not do it! I did not have any updates from her lately and I don’t know even she’s gone from this town. It was Friday that I met a mutual friend. She wanted to talk about my ex and I changed the topic but this idea that what did she want to say itched me. I haven’t talked to any mutual friend about her and that’s great! Whenever they did, I changed the topic but still this idea still itches me.
Today I wrote on Mike’s thread that I don’t care about her anymore. When I posted it, the thought that, “what she is doing popped into my mind”.
Yeah, saying sorry doesn’t really help. I’ve done it a lot lately, I mean before the breakup and it simply made her think that she is on the right side.
But frankly, you remind me of myself, except that I did it only once after the breakup and I truly understand this urge!
I wish to know what you feel now about her? What kind of feeling you have for her after almost 11 months. By the way, I have no idea how old are you. I am 31.
You know something. In the beginning of my relationship I had told her that I move on really fast. Just a trick… but a nice one!
When she drifted once I played this song for her: “I need to know now, know now, will you love me again”. Do you know what she said?–“so you date someone else soon?” b
But by being clingy I proved her that there is no someone else any soon!
Don’t do it Joe. It’s early. To even contact much less “show up”
I saw my ex at a bar a month and half later after our break up. We didn’t approach each other. But I found out she was pissed.
I was out with the new girl I was seeing and my friend. 3 of us.
I told The new girl my ex was there. She said “I had a feeling it was her” I asked how. She said she saw her giving her the “cold death stare” and looking her up and down sizing her up.
2 weeks later my ex calls from private. 2 times saying nothing and hanging up. 3rd time she talked. But never mentioned anything about seeing a girl with me. I don’t know why but I think she was defending her pride and acted stupid that she didn’t notice the new girl.
But she did attack and accuse me that I probably slept with 7 women already in that 2 month time frame. Which I denied. And she’s wrong to even press that. Because what did she want to do, just argue?
I’m turning 31 in a couple weeks in September. And to note she broke up with me a week before my birthday.
Everyone in my family saw that as a b!tch move by her but I was trying to reason it in my head hoping she was going to call or surprise me and come for my birthday. When she didn’t I let go.
I met this girl on my birthday night and dated her for 2 months. She wanted to get in a relationship with me fast and I wasn’t ready. We still keep in contact with each other. She’s cool.
Anyway how do I feel about my ex after 11 months… the same.
Because she initiated contact with me twice since our break up. 2 months after we broke up. Then 7 months later in May.
So naturally it reopened the wound with her being hot and cold. Everytime I start feeling better, especially months after December, she contacts me out of no where. It’s like she telepathically connected some how and knows when I’m moving on and then injects.
Now we’ve been in contact on and off since May. But I put my foot down and started NC 2-3weeks ago.
We three are almost of same age and apparently our breakups have similar trend. Isn’t is something worth pondering?
My ex broke up with me just 10 days before my exams. I did not tell this to any friend but her best friend wished me best of luck. They would hate her. My closest friend here, says that she was not a good girl and I agree but I still have feelings for her.
Her best friend and I met about a week ago. I did not recognize her first but she was into me. I apologized to her for not saying hi though Facebook chat and she replied that she’s happy that I’m doing well.
The first 2 months are brutal. Especially the first.
I kinda had doubt’s she was going to ever contact me. Especially after she changed her number after her first contact.
After awhile I gave up thinking and analyzing. Not completely because things crossed my mind of course, but you just get into that stage where you accept she probably banged a few guys by now.
Knowing she’s thinking the same about you dating women.
And then when one of the rebounds fail, the reach out comes out of nowhere one lonely depressed drunken night from them. Calling private, then text barraging etc.
Also to note: both intital contacts from her, she wanted me to come over saying she would want nothing more. Second time she got really dirty and said she wanted me to you know **** the **** out of her.
I couldn’t make it those nights. And set up for something the following days but she backed out.
Because I’m sure if we met up we would be back together. So she was just guarding herself being afraid too we’d argue and fall apart again.
We are definitely all the same age (me: 29) and I can’t believe at almost the age of 30, I’m having so much trouble over a woman.
As Mordecai mentioned, I too lose hope everyday that she will ever contact me again. The note about wondering how many guys they’ve banged… Tore me up. I hate to think of her doing that… But I’m sure she def will sooner or later.
A part of me wants to never contact her again until she contacts me. I guess, I just wanna know that she also wants me. With her stubbornness and pride, I highly doubt she ever will…
Should I plan now for the possible phone call/text/email? Like what I would say to her… I know Kevin’s plan included some direction on how to respond to her contacts… I think I should reread that part … But then I wonder if Im only giving myself false hope…
Joe, write a draft. Your in the extra emotional early state still. When you come back to review your rough draft you might not like it and redo the who whole thing.
In regards to the random thoughts that pop up in your head. I’m telling you, now I don’t really care who she banged or how many. What really got me more was originally the idea she gave in the next day of our break up and was banging some as*hole.
When she contacted me 2 months later she was drunk and ranting. She was saying I probably slept with at least 7 women by now. I don’t know why she said specifically 7…
Could it be she banged a guy or 2 and had sex 7 times within that timeframe? Who the hell knows. It’s most likely she just threw a random number.
She told me without asking her that she didn’t have sex with anyone yet. That she could of and she said she should of but she’s not a whore.
But I think it’s BS.
7 months later when she started contacting me again, she was trying to pull it out of me who I banged and how many. I ignored it and she said “what I dated a few guys at least I can admit it” and that she didn’t have sex in awhile. I still dodged it. But later on I slipped. However I still continued to try to squash that topic as she kept bringing it up. Because I wanted to get her back and avoid arguing about that topic.
Joe, since you are going to do a 90 days of NC, its too soon to think what you are going to say. It will only make you think more about the past. I suggest a similar letter to RR in part 2 for Death Door guys. I also suggest including sentences like, “I know that you hate me”.
Joe & Mordecai,
I think since we are about 30s and the fact that dating early 20s girls is now slightly weird, it has reduced our self-esteem. At least I can say that when I say my real age and a 20 year of girl get surprised, I feel slightly bad. Moreover, when I think about that she might be okay with it but her friends might mock her, it makes me feel bad. Maybe this is the reason I turned clingy over my last relationship. Do you guys have such slightest of such feelings?
Mordecai, I have been reading your posts. However, I didn’t post any comment over it just because I had nothing to ask or add.
Sorry to interrupt here but I really want to know from a guy’s perspective since I started to think about my ex’s words again. Not making me sad or anything, just curious.
Would guys choose to break up even when they still have feelings? He said “I’ve become too weak because I care too much”, “I constantly am worrying and could barely sleep”, etc. I don’t know… Is it that he feels so responsible to make me happy and takes too much pressure from that?
And he mentioned “friend” in the email. Did it mean he doesn’t have feelings anymore?
Also…Is it really easy for guy to pretend that they love someone? Because I feel like if someone loves me, I can feel it, the real feeling, not the fake ones. I still felt that from my ex literally three days before the break up. How could things change so rapidly?
I still couldn’t believe it since he’s never the one to choose breakup (he told me that) and he said so many times that he never had feelings like those for me. He told his family, friends, and me that if there’s a program to design every aspect of his dream girl, it would end up being me…
I really do not understand guys sometimes. He’s a really, really nice guy. Very responsible, calm, diligent, considerate, etc. Just I couldn’t understand this right now.
Joe,
Sorry i didn’t reply to your post earlier.When i see your dealing with too much pressure,I feel really sad.I really wish i could do something to make you feel better.
Go for a therapist,Deactivate your account,Its tough but you can do that.
I know how exactly you feel.I didn’t check Fb for a full month and trust me i was madly in love with my ex.I couldn’t even imagine someone could love someone that much.Even now after 6 months,I don’t use my Fb it reminds me of my terrible days when i was waiting for him to contact me all the time.Deactivate your account please.
Why do you go to her place?Do you really like to hurt yourself?What does it prove when you say she wasn’t home?That she is necessarily seeing someone?What do you wanna see?
I understand you but i don’t want you to be sad.You should love yourself.Trust me your happiness is the most important step.
Do something.It takes time but get your happiness back.
Dara I know what you mean. There’s a lot of smart and mature ladies in early 20’s.
Yet you’d feel at times uncomfortable being in there group.
It depends on the group. If they’re mature and laid back and you click, it’s not that big of a problem.
SSG, I think he cares but is holding his ground or stubbornness.
I know I broke up with a short term ex (couple months) I did it because I was at the end of the road in that relationship. And held my ground even if I was lonely.
It depends on what happened and the situation. But I’m mostly on OK terms with all of my ex’s and acquaintance’s. Even great terms. No sex or anything but cool friendly terms. I don’t like burning bridges.
If I was really in love, I would only stay stubborn for so long til I contacted them. I’m not a fan just being completely cold with someone who you once had a really deep connection and so spent so much time and energy with.
Unless I found out she cheated on me. Which I haven’t really had solid proof. I had suspicions but no proof. And I’m a master at sniffing that out.
Not only in mine relationships, but in others too. And I caught others. And obviously know a lot of cheaters. The tactics. The motives. The “right place at the right time” while in a rough state in a relationship or marriage. The chase. Business. Being uncontrollable. Etc etc etc.
Thanks for your reply!!! I am not a native English speaker so please understand I didn’t get all of it…
Why would you feel you’re at the end of the relationship while things were ok even great? From my perspective, everything was perfect and we had happy times all the way… I did act needy or jealous from time to time, but i did do a lot of nice things and we really had fun.
Joe your fine. At least I hope. Our situation is similar so believe me I was down.
The first month is bruuutal. My ex broke up with me a week before my 30th birthday. She said she wanted a month of space. I agreed.
Imagine how I felt Joe when she didn’t even email me, text me or call me. She was unemployed at the time but still she could of called from anywhere. Then she got a phone and called me 2months later.
We would Skype and email each other there’s really no excuse unless her sister was keeping her on lock down. Either way I felt hooorrible. I was pacing I couldn’t concentrate etc.
Fortunately I met a great woman on my birthday night. I didn’t even “hound” her. We clicked and she made the first move that night bringing me home to “continue” after the bars closed. I was with her for 2months basically everyday or every other day.
I explained everything to her and told her I want to take it slow but she wanted to get into a relationship with me soon after. She was mature about it and understood so we took time apart. She’s cool we are still in contact today with no hard feelings.
Anyway I was still hurting. And went out almost every night. I drank a lot. I mean a lot. But I was always able to drink most people under the table and be cool. Not that I’m proud of it. But this was a marathon. Thankfully nothing happened. No bar or club fights or anything.
In fact one of my friends and one of my cousins on separate occasions almost brawled with random drunk people. We’d go out and drink and we’d keep ordering and eventually at some point in the night one of them would eventually get into that stage. And I would calm them and chill them out and have fun laughing whatever.
This one night we ran into a group of guys who had a bachelor night we were all pretty wrecked and all 8 of us? squeezed in a taxi to go to a casino at 5am. When we got there in front of the casino we all fell out opening the doors
All in all it’s like my body and mind just wanted peace and love and just wanted to have fun. No fighting nothing. I had a blast and still have a blast when I can. And have sometimes “all weekenders”
Like I said, I did it with short term (dating couple of months) ex’s. After my break up.
I learned a lot from my past relationship I had with my ex.
Now, since I started dating again, I noticed “red flags” a lot more and take them seriously.
This one woman I dated not long ago told me some guy likes her. I said oh cool.
She said “that doesn’t bother you?” I said no. She said "yeah that’s because you don’t care. I said no I’m just not interested in developing that jealousy pattern and won’t tolerate it either.
SSG, I’ll reply further in your thread because I don’t want to clutter Joe’s thread as it is. Sorry about that Joe!
I’m also in the same age range of you guys,29. I dated my ex for 8 years and I’m still not close to being over her. I didn’t do NC right away and we texted every night for the first month and a half, mostly her reaching out. It’s been about 3 weeks now of mostly NC and the past month and a half have been not much. I’m trying hard to not reach out but it isn’t easy. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but after such limited contact I feel like I could possibly never hear from her again and I wonder if she thinks since I havnt reached out that I don’t care about her anymore. What kills me the most is that she would always say she doesn’t know what will happen with us in the future and needs to find herself. A big part of me hasn’t given up hope.
If been going out and meeting girls, but still don’t feel great when I do it. I’ve also increased my drinking but limit it to mostly weekends so it doesn’t interfere with my work. The situation we are in is really tough. When you are in a relationship you don’t think about what you could lose and for me I took a lot of it for granted esp the last few months.
Is there anything you guys have been doing during NC that seems to work the best to help? The only thing that seems to keep me at peace is work during the day and playing a lot of golf after work even though there have been times where she will pop In my head during that. I’m trying to stay active b/c when I’m not doing something is when my mind races the most.
I’m sorry that I included myself in your conversations and I hope you guys don’t mind.
Not at all man come inside the bat cave. Or bunker of brotherhood lol.
Over here in this corner… we have the 300" projector with 7.1 channel surround sound. Connected is a world satellite (catch alll the channels…) Xbox, ps4 and a Wii U.
Over here in this corner… of course we have the grand wall of assorted liqour bottles although they’re running low (Dara and I blazed through most of it and have another shipment coming) The fridge with the built in tap. (Think its a keg of dos equis in there)
Kitchen, 3 toilets, 2 urinals and a monkey… that developed a liking to pop open beers for us and hand it over.
8 years that’s rough. Stay NC. Don’t worry about if she’ll think this or that. Mine contacted me after first 2 months NC. Then changed her number. Then 7 months she called me private (I didn’t answer) then she text barraged me saying its her and "hope I’m on my way to marriage.
I was thinking all of kinds of shit. And I noticed the more you stay quiet, and be cool, the better.
I made a thread in the “not your ex” board for all of us to gather and talk in there if you guys want instead of mixing up and over flowing Joes thread.
I didn’t know what call it so I just put The GYEBP batcave a.k.a Bunker of Brotherhood for now and just copy pasted last post. I’ll edit it later
i broke off with my boyfriend like 3 months ago and we didnot communicate for sometime although i requested him to give it a last try quite a number of times. he started talking to this another girl before breakup but then after a few days of break up, he stopped talking to her. however, we decided to stay friends later. initially things were awkward and difficult but now its going on really great. he says he loves me but only as a friend but then he say he doesnt know. he wants to be friends. we talk, skype, text each other just like before. we have some arguments yet and he tries his best to understand me now. but he says he doesnt have feelings the way he did. he gives me mixed signals really. we’ve forgotten whatsoever happened and now we talk just like before, only difference is as friends. i really feel strongly for him but i dont know what to do. can i even hope for us to get back together? what do I do, please help?
I’m not sure if you just want me to answer the questions directly; but here it goes:
Would guys choose to break up even when they still have feelings?
This question varies from guy to guy; at least I would think it does…
For me, no. If I had feelings for a girl, I would try to make things work out.
Is it really easy for guy to pretend that they love someone?
Unfortunately, I would have to say yes. I’ve seen it many times over and over where guys have led girls on. THIS DOES NOT MEAN ITS WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR SITUATION; but I’ve seen so many situations where the girl thought that he was so in love with her and he was doing everything and anything he wanted behind her back.
Please note that every situation is different. I think its too soon to worry about any of this. Keep working hard and studying…
