Hi,
I am having a hard time with a recent “break-up”, and unsure of what to do, and I think it’s because my situation is really hairy.
About my ex: He’s 26. I’m 20. We met last May, 2015, started in June-July. He doesn’t like to talk, literally. Anything beyond small talk–late night chats and pillow talk–was just never his thing. If there was an issue in our relationship that needed addressing, he wouldn’t tell me. He’d get very stressed over his career and shut me out emotionally. He wanted to be around me all the time, every day, and he was very sweet and affectionate–but it’s like, he never wanted to talk about anything substantive. He was workaholic and neglected to make time to do special things with us (I’m talking about going out of the house maybe once/week). I’m a free spirit, and very emotional. I always wanted to talk through our issues, give him a back rub, etc. but after a while I feel that in catering to his emotional needs, I began to neglect my own emotional health. But he was so nice that at first I could never go through with any “break” I proposed, for more than a few days.
Well by the end of February things had changed. Or should I say, nothing had changed. All of our “incompatibilities” had started to take a toll on us. I felt lonely around him. On one hand, our chemistry, sex, laughs, physical attraction, shared interests–great. On the other hand, he’s high strung, a control freak, and loathed when I asked for time to talk about our issues communicating (but it needed to happen!) I felt like he wanted a trophy relationship–an empty one that looks good on the outside. So me, trying to be a sensitive human and knowing that his career stressed him out, decided I would not pester him about our “issues” for a couple weeks. And I didnt, from mid-Feb to March. And of course, he wanted to be around me more than ever. Well, after this couple of weeks I decided enough time had passed for me to address the elephant in the room: “I need you to talk to me, I miss you, I want you to make time for us where you’re not constantly focused on your career.”
Well that talk blew up in my face in early March. He ended up saying he wanted to be with me, but he didnt want to talk about those things, “we’re fine”. When I insisted he open up to me, he kicked me out of his house! The next morning I called/text him, no answer, so I drove to his house to talk to him. He didnt come to the door. He texted me, threatened a restraining order on me! I left, heartbroken, texting him that day asking him how he could treat me so coldly. No response. So I started no contact that night, after sending him a final message saying “I’m hurt, but I guess this is goodbye.” I didn’t hear back until 6 days later when I got an email from him: a short, unapologetic email saying he felt bad about what happened, I was a great part of his life, but “it was for the best”. I didnt respond. The next day he proceeded to barrage me with texts, emails, calls, over the next week, to which I didnt respond. He became extremely apologetic, sending me long emails, claiming he realized what an emotionally unavailable jerk he’d been our whole relationship. All of a sudden he was “ashamed and wanted to change”. So I finally, after a week of the begging, picked up one of his calls with the intention of just hearing his side of the story. We met in person, and I got the begging on knee display of tears and violent sobs. I got suckered back into seeing him again. And again. And again.
I still didnt trust him or know how to forgive him. But he was a mess, on his best behavior, in tears constantly, telling me everything I wanted to hear for 2 weeks, asking me to take him back. He even got his family and friends involved, talked about seeing a therapist, claimed he had “deep seated intimacy issues”. He talked me for hours on end about all of his emotions, texted me every day, was nicer than ever. But after 2 weeks of me starting to become closer, it’s like he instinctively started to pull away again. He became angry that I wasn’t moving at his pace, and we were still arguing. I didn’t blow up his phone or call to check up or act needy during that time, but when he started to distance himself again it re-opened the wound from the break-up. Well long story short, one night we spend together he broke down crying. He told me he would always want me, but said he wasn’t being himself, he wasn’t in the mental space to do a relationship, did not have the patience, did not want to continue, despite all of his former commitments. It happened out of nowhere. It triggered something in me. For the next couple of days I barraged him with messages and calls like he had done me, I even showed up at his house demanding an explanation for this joke and when he left to go somewhere, saying he didnt have time to talk, telling me to let it go, we were done “for now, for a very long time” I followed him in my car.
He knew I was following him; I wasnt trying to stalk him, I was trying to corner him and get him to talk to me because I needed closure. I knew it wasn’t ok, but he wouldn’t answer my calls, wouldn’t give me a hug or tell me he loved me even though he’d said it a million times just days ago. I just wanted to scream “If you were just going to rip my heart out again, why didnt you just apologize and leave me alone, one month ago! Why’d you drag me back into your life just to desert me again!? How could you when I love you!” Well, he wasn’t happy with me following him…. neither was his cousin, who he drove to meet. I didn’t know, I thought he was going to a store or something.
I was not thinking in terms of dignity preservation. I was thinking in terms of “how could you do this to me, again, after promising me you wouldn’t?” He just got out of his car without a word to me, and told his cousin to “handle me”. I talked to his cousin, saying that I was really upset, before leaving. I texted my ex telling him I loved him that night, and that I was sorry to him and his cousin, for following him. I told him I knew it wasn’t ok. He didn’t reply. I was humiliated. I had never imagined the tables turning so violently, AGAIN, and him being so cold, Again.
I started no contact that night. I blocked him on all my social media, and he blocked me back, on Instagram. He didn’t text me back and after a couple days I got so sick of checking my messages that I set my phone so that all his text messages go to my spam folder, so I don’t know if he has texted me since. I doubt he has, but I refuse to check that folder until I’m ok with that reality. He hasn’t called me, though I didn’t expect as much. I haven’t called or anything. It’s day 19, and the heartache doesn’t seem to fade. I’m riddled with anxiety.
I’m angry that he could do this to me, that he hasn’t even called to apologize, that he spewed all that bs about wanting to change but is probably sitting back, telling everyone how crazy I am, not wanting to change a thing about himself, blaming ALL our issues, and his issues, on me. I’ve been keeping busy, doing things I love, trying to make changes in myself, but the anxiety and shame and fear don’t go away. At this point I feel like if I never reach out to him again, he’d be perfectly content with it. He’d never apologize for deceiving me, or think twice about my pain…he’ll just go on with his life. And that hurts like hell. How could someone just pick up and move on like that, after making so many promises, without any remorse? My worst fear is him deciding that all his issues were my fault.
Most of all, I’m angry that despite him being an assclown, and acting like I never existed, I still miss him. I know I don’t need him, but in my mind I keep trying to give him the benefit of doubt.
He could never stop staring at me, keeping his hands off me, telling me he loved me. I deleted all my pics of him. He had a million of me that he didn’t delete after the initial breakup…. I wonder if they’re still there. I wonder if he just thinks I’m a crazy stalker. I wonder if he’s wiping his brow saying “phew, glad I got outta that one when I did, she’s inane”. I was never the crazy girl in our relationship, he was always the more possessive/jealous one. But I was definitely the crazy girl in the end, in front of everybody ?
So to you I ask: Is that fixable? Is he worth me trying to reach out to him when he hasn’t even apologized to me? Or is he just an incurable jerk? Is my dignity salvageable? Should I reach out to him for the truth? Is he thinking about me, missing me? Will I ever be anything other than a girl who lost her mind during the breakup? Is a relationship even on the table anymore? I know that NC is for me, but is it going to make him miss me?