I'm in desperate need of clarity, please.

reconciliation
1

Thank you in advance to anyone that is reading my story – there might not be one quite like this on this board yet. I met my partner online (FYI this is a gay relationship) and we talked every day for months before committing to a long-distance relationship (with the assumption it would turn into more than that in the future). I am 26 and my partner is 18 and in college. This may bring me some judgment, but he is very mature for 18. He has all of the right priorities in life: family, school, charity, serving his country (he is a candidate to be an officer in the Air Force as an Engineer), etc.

We were in this long-distance relationship for nearly a year before he broke up with me two months ago. We had been planning to make this more than just long-distance this summer. We were deeply in love during our relationship. While we both knew the risks of failure going into it, and we had our rough patches along the way, eventually he told me “I love you so much. I’m in too deep at this point…breaking up is not even an option anymore.” I know, they’re just words, but it signifies how close we were.

Obviously, breaking up was an option, and after reflection post-breakup, it was entirely my fault. I was selfish during the relationship and didn’t always fully consider his emotional needs. As an example, he wanted to FaceTime all the time, but I’d turn him down regularly using the “I’m busy” excuse. Eventually, he just stopped asking.

He brought up these concerns (and others) at a few points during the relationship, and even came pretty close to breaking up at one point, but I promised to change and we got through it. Of course, I never really changed.

Following the breakup, he told me he still loved me and would still like to be friends, but that was up to me. At first, I didn’t react much at all. I was stunned and didn’t really say anything besides express my sadness. Then after a few days, I started to act needy and desperate, pleading with him to reconsider, and eventually, I came to my senses and implemented no contact. However, I only lasted 11 days. When I broke no contact, I was surprised to find him quite indifferent and cold towards me. I tried to play it cool, but eventually, my neediness emerged again and I got angry with him, questioning how he could not care about me at all anymore after all we’ve been through. This dragged on for days and I said some pretty hurtful things. My emotions got the best of me. I made him feel like a horrible person for how I thought he was “pushing me out of his life” and I believe I even told him I hated him at one point. Once I regained my composure, I immediately regretted how I acted and tried to apologize, sending him a lot of texts, but it was too late. He wasn’t responding to me anymore. So I started No Contact #2…

My plan was to end this No Contact period with a letter, saying how sorry I was for how I acted, how I have learned things about myself from the breakup and have become a better person, and how I accept the breakup. I mailed the letter but before he received it, I got a text from him out the blue “I miss you” (this was 3 weeks after I started No Contact). Instead of waiting for him to receive the letter, I replied to his text telling him I missed him too and asking how he’s been. He didn’t respond until 4 days later (and he still hadn’t told me he received the letter). When he responded, we talked a bit about our lives since the last time we talked, and then I brought up the awkward question if he got the letter (I thought it may have been lost). Apparently, he hadn’t checked his mailbox in awhile, so he said he would the next day. After he read the letter, that’s when everything went downhill again…he said: “I want to say that’s great, but it doesn’t negate what you said or did at all.” We texted back and forth for awhile, with him repeating that sentiment in various ways until eventually, he didn’t respond anymore.

Three days later, I texted him again, asking for another chance to regain his trust, promising him I’ve changed and I wasn’t the person that said those hurtful things to him. He essentially said I made him feel like less than a person after the breakup and that he was “completely over me.” He said he forgave me for what I did, but he didn’t need or want me in his life anymore. I asked him why he texted me saying he missed me, and he said he was wrong when he said that. When I asked him what changed his mind, he simply said “you.”

I kept trying to get him to give me another chance for a few days until eventually, he warned me if I continued, he would block me. I was such an emotional wreck that I ignored the warning and sent another text, pleading with him, and he immediately blocked me everywhere.

I know that I severely messed up, both during the relationship and definitely after, but do you think there is any chance he unblocks me in the future and reaches out? My birthday is next month, and it would be 6 weeks since he blocked me. I believe he will most likely at least think about me for a moment on that day. If he never contacts me, how long should I wait before I try to contact him again (which will be hard since I’m blocked nearly everywhere)? Or do I just need to permanently move on and never contact him unless he contacts me?

The things that are still giving me some hope are (1) the “I miss you” text, which makes me thinks he’s fighting himself on some level, and maybe the bad feelings towards me will fade in time and he’ll miss me again and want to reach out, and (2) he would overreact many times throughout the relationship and get angry at me for trivial things, and then a few hours later would apologize, and even thank me for putting up with him. Obviously, there is nothing trivial about what I did to him, but still. Also, he’s a very sentimental person who has a very tough time “letting go” of things.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. I know I probably won’t get much encouragement from the replies as I put myself in quite a hole, but I love him so much and it’s so hard to give up hope…

2

You know the answer. And it just hurts so much and that’s why you wrote everything out.

It is day to day. Don’t focus on a week or a month or year from now, focus on today. And each day you get through, it is a little better.

You want him to miss you and tell you he’s coming back. And every day you want that. And, honestly, he could. Or he couldn’t.

But you know you can’t think about that (even though you do).

And so it is one day at a time. Work on yourself and doing other things to make your life better and to make yourself happy. And when you find yourself thinking of the relationship, think of a good thing about it and move on. Each day it gets a tiny bit better to deal with.

It is in his hands now, not yours. He knows you want the relationship to continue. If he doesn’t want it to continue, it won’t. There’s nothing you can do about it at this point that you haven’t done. I wish you the best.

3

@mr_the_ex thank you for the response. I actually never saw it until now, but it’s exactly what I needed to hear back then.

Update: A month and a half passed after I made that post, and I gradually got better. Then it was my birthday, and deep down I expected him to reach out, but he didn’t. That night I decided I’d just send him a short email letting him know he popped in my head and asked how he’s been doing. He didn’t reply and I figured I’d never hear from him again.

Two weeks later, I unexpectedly received a text from him (remember he had blocked my number) and he says he got the email and apologizes for not responding. We end up texting for quite awhile, and when I ask him how he’s doing, he seems makes it a point to say he’s been bored lately (he repeated it at least two times in the convo), which makes me wonder if that’s the only reason he’s talking to me again.

Anyway, it’s been a little over 2 weeks since then, and we’ve continued to text regularly. At first, I thought I was the only one initiating the conversations, so I stopped doing that, and then he would initiate (one time a day passed, but the next day he texted me again). However, it’s almost exclusively at night and late at night when he texts me (when he’s in bed and has nothing else to do I suppose). During the day when he’s busy doing things, I rarely hear from him unless I decide to initiate.

He hasn’t been flirty with me or done anything that would indicate he’s interested in getting back together. He’s been polite and has used a tone that you would use with a friend, but not a close friend. Our past relationship or the breakup has never come up in conversation.

Based on this little amount of information, what do you think his intentions are? And if I do want to get back together with him, what advice do you have on how to gently push things in that direction? Before we first started dating, he was chasing me hard, so this is a strange dynamic.

In the end, even if we don’t get back together, I’ll be fine with it, but I’ve decided I’d still want a second chance with him if that’s possible.

4

Sorry for the bump, but does anyone have any advice for me? I’m not getting the sense that he is that interested in me, but at the same time, I’m struggling to figure out why he’d bother to unblock me and reach out in that case. Thankfully, I’m not acting or feeling needy anymore, but it’s still frustrating not knowing what’s going on in his head or why he disappears at times.