I want this hole in my heart to go away...

reconciliation
1

Dear readers,

I have been with my ex for over 12 years and we have 2 girls together (one of a previous relationship but he raised her since she was 3) and the first 5 years were beautiful, the next 5 years were rough and the last 2 years have been bad. My ex had a car accident 2 years ago and he almost died. After that traumatic experience I shut myself emotionally from him. I blamed him (he was in the wrong) and didn’t give him the love and support he needed. In my defense he didn’t show too much remorse and didn’t see what an impact this made on our family (financially and emotionally).

In our relationship he was been on and off with job for over 5 years and this has been also difficult because I want to build for our future. We are not young and past 40 and need to think about 10-20 years from now but when he left his country to be with me in 2007 he always wanted to build his own company and has tried for so long, but said I was always negative and didn’t help him. In the beginning I did because I wanted him to succeed but after years of trying and working, a household and raising 2 girls I didn’t have the energy. I know he blames me for not supporting him more. I come from a family where yelling, arguing and was normal and my mother with narcistic behavior rubbed off on me, so for a long time I argued and yelled at him to get his attention or vent and let me frustrations out ( regarding the job situation).

For 6 months now he has left and is staying in his work studio and has a regular job and works on his company but when I talk to him, he says you wanted me out for 2 years now I am gone. I have begged, pleaded for him to come back but he says he has to stay on course and move forward and get out the debts (due to accident) and save money. His mother is very sick with heart problems do that is also not easy. I don’t know what to do anymore …I tried NC but we have kids together and still financial ties and it is not easy. I miss him, I truly do not just someone to hold or support me but him. Our connection is so strong and we are still intimate and I know this is not wise but just for one night the passion is there and he gives me pleasure, but the next day i feel so empty :(. He is so busy with his business and says it is actually taking off, but I am left by myself. Any advice would be appreciated.

2

It sounds like you have a lot of issues that you need to deal with before you can think about trying to fix your relationship. That is what NC is meant to do, give you space and time for you to work on yourself. That means no contacting him and definitely no intimacy with him.

I am in a similar situation as you. My ex and I have been married for 10 years and we have 3 children together. She told me that she has been having doubts about our relationship for the past three years and then dumped it on me one night. I only started NC last week. I told her that I have been in a lot of pain recently and that I need to create distance between us. If she needed to talk to be about the kids then that’s fine but nothing else. I know how hard it is, especially at the beginning but it does get easier.

Best of luck :slight_smile:

3

Just to add: nobody wants to be yelled at and it’s not normal. You need to work on controlling your emotions/temper and find a better way to interact without yelling or nagging. No man will put up with that kind of drama for long and it’s a bad influence on your children.

And like gamecoder said, stop having sex with him as it won’t persuade him to come back to you. You’ve done enough begging and pleading, so stop! Your relationship was either rough or bad for 7 years, Now he needs time and space away from you to decide whether of not he wants to continue. He’s been out of your place for 6 months, so it’s time for you to initiate no contact except when it’s necessary to talk about finances or the kids. And he needs to be able to visit the kids without you making a big deal about it.