Little over two weeks ago, my (now) ex and I had a falling out, the second of it’s kind. She tended to turn angry with me if I was emotionally unavailable and I always did my utmost to be available as often as I could. But let me backtrack a little first.
I am no doubt going to get some flack for this but, neither my ex nor I were single when we were seeing each other, but were both in unhappy relationships. However since we both have kids in said relationships, it was always going to be complicated. I never wanted it to be an affair, I wanted to marry the girl and have a future together. I was slow on the uptake on that one through initial apprehension, whereas she was both feet in the deep end. As time went on, those tables turned; I wanted the relationship to develop into something more serious, whereas her initial 100mph approach mellowed into preferring things to be on an affair level.
Throughout the course of the relationship, we grew incredibly close, we both felt a bond that was impossible to describe. We were constantly drawn to each other, we could talk about literally anything and we could share any part of ourselves without ever being afraid. Nothing sexual was ever dirty, and there were no holds barred. Every second of embrace felt like the first time, for both of us, and any issues we had from our past got massaged out by the other person eventually. We were soul mates, kindred spirits and “karmic lovers” (as she would call it). We would encourage the betterment of each other’s lives in every way, right up to supporting career choices in every way possible. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for that girl, and she would equally go out of her way for me.
However, there were times when we would clash. I have had an extremely difficult 4 years due to the murder of my mother and the sabotage of a career I built from the ground up (not to mention family difficulties). Our relationship started right in the middle of it, so I was never on the most solid of foundations, and of course she had difficulties of her own. So when one or the other of us had our own problems going on, we weren’t able to be there to support the other, which caused resentment. In the course of a year, this might crop up 3-4 times. For me personally, I would find that a simple cuddle and conversation would make it all better, and I believed this to be true for both of us, but if for whatever reason that cuddle was unable to happen when it was needed, she would make a firm decision to end the relationship, and that’s what has now happened. When it’d happened before, we were able to work it out by getting that cuddle and chat, but she has now disallowed it.
She has blocked me everywhere, asked me to not talk to her anymore, even suggested I move far away, and had suddenly decided she would rather work on repairing the unhappy marriage she has than spend another second talking to me. I have been finding this incredibly hard and normally she would be the first person to support me if I was struggling emotionally, however this time she is central to why I am messed up and I don’t have that support. As a result, I’ve broken Kevin’s rules and it’s gotten ugly.
I would accept even a friendship at this stage, but it’s not on offer. I can’t imagine that there are no feelings left for me, especially when one of her final messages said:
“Never think I don’t love you, never think I won’t wish to be part of your life …”
But I’ve made myself look like a needy pest, and I wish I had a time machine to undo the panic I was in. Can anyone tell me, please, how I can undo this? I don’t want a possible future down the line (even if it’s years) to have been ruined because I struggled to give her space when she needed it.