So this is something I need to get off my chest. we broke up last Thursday. It was a silly break up but not over the top. no drama etc. My ex’s friend has come over for a month. She usually does once or twice a year. Every time she has my ex and I have split. Anyway this time before my ex and I were in a really good spot, before her friend showed up I had a word and said im happy to give you guys space to have a laugh however don’t do anything that will damage us. We agreed and have been all loved up. Now this friend decides its a good idea to take my ex to Berlin for a few days. No problems ill hold the fort at home and have a laugh with my ex’s daughter which we did. My ex comes back from the trip and we speak. In the conversation she mentions she is going next week to Amsterdam to dance at an event. I was hit a little hard, she said she knows that its something I am uncomfortable with and one of the things we agreed wouldn’t happen. Now its not erotic dancing or anything like that but I was really uncomfortable that she didn’t speak with me about it first. I slept on it and decided to call her up in the morning and respectfully talk to her about it. She got defensive and said I pushed her away when in berlin by not sending her enough text messages. Ok so she knew how hard I have been working lately securing a future for the three of us but didn’t seem to see that me giving her space to have fun meant that I could get supper focused on life plans. Anyway the conversation escalated to us breaking up. An hour went by and I texted a really sweet message saying I made a mistake I don’t want to break up and that I was just upset she didn’t talk to me about it. Anyway she was having none of it. She has made me think I have done something wrong to cause this when I really haven’t. I have put everything aside for this girl and put 100% effort in with her. Any way, today I have woken up realising that her pissing around with her friend is more important to her than us even though she has been super lovely recently doing nice things etc. I don’t think I am wrong in bringing up something that I am uncomfortable with just for her to get defensive and turn it around on me. Anyway am I correct. is she being selfish?
You are 100% correct.
I thought so. It’s so hard when she makes me feel like the bad guy. Today is really difficult as it’s her daughters birthday and I really wanted to be with her for the celebrations. I’ve sent a birthday text.
While her friend is here do you think no contact will have any afect?
Just for your information I sent her this text a couple of days ago… I am really sorry, I’m really upset about upsetting you. Would there be any chance of us meeting up. I would really like to talk in person. It was one of those things where I guess if we had talked it out it would have been fine. I really want to get things back on track.
she replied… its a little to late. My mind isn’t there. I’m a bit overwhelmed with everything, so I’m taking things one day at a time. At the moment I don’t want to see you.
This is when I was still thinking I had done something wrong.
It sounds like when the friend is around, she blows everything and everyone else off to be with her friend and do whatever they want to do together. During the time she is around her friend, it is doubtful that anything, contact or no contact, will get through to her. And any attempt you make to contact her during that time, she will reject hard as she cares more about her relationship with her friend than anything else when her friend is around.
I’ve seen that with other people as well, where they have some friend that is so important, they do everything for that person, even if it means blowing off people who really do care for them. And what the friend thinks is more important than what anyone else thinks. They’ll spend money, time, etc. on that person that they wouldn’t even think of spending on someone else.
This is just my 2 cents but while the friend is around, I don’t think there is anything you can do to get her to change her mind. Her mind is somewhere else. When her friend is gone, then she’ll need to come back to “real life” and reality.
So her friend left today and the last contact I had with my ex was on Tuesday morning and she says we are toxic. I replied of course with four texts outlining that I want to make a serious changes.
I know she has been out partying with her friend every night until she left and I know she is really unhappy about her friend leaving.
I sent her a letter on Monday that she would have received on Tuesday or yesterday basically outlining the issues and not to call or text me. I wrote in the last paragraph "I’m going to give you the time to think this through…don’t text or call me. If you really meant saying your my one and only and that you can’t live without me, that you love all of me including the things you don’t like and want to make this work as I do let’s meet under the South Tower on Tower Bridge, HMS Belfast side, Sunday 19th of November at 2pm. I will be waiting with a massive loving kiss and take you on a date. If you’re not there by 2.30 I will completely understand that you don’t want us to be an item and let you go. I will delete all of our history and I won’t call or message from that point. I will abide by your wishes and move on.
This may have been the wrong move but it seemed right at the time. I did mean everything I wrote in that letter. I fear I am setting myself up for a lonely wait and afternoon but part of me thinks that she is thinking things through as she hasn’t called or texted. In truth she is probably just upset her friend is leaving. My friends and family all say she doesn’t deserve me and that its plain to see the sacrifices that I have been making but I feel I know her and she is really complicated and I feel there are loads of things I could have done better. I have been absolutely golden with her daughter and have grown to really love her too. I regularly take her rollerblading or out for dinner when mums away. Do you think this might play a factor in her feelings towards me?
A woman’s perspective?
So I figured my ex would be really upset last night because of her friend leaving so I sent her a very short text saying "putting everything aside, I know you will be pretty upset tonight and I hope ^"£%"£^ (her daughter) is giving you lots of hugs.
She replied "thank you 
"
Anyway I am writing all this down as its better than being in my head.
@DAYTONA - Love should be a lot easier than this! She has manipulated and mistreated you so many times, but it seems you think mostly of the good times and hope things will magically change for the better. She was correct in the Tuesday text… this relationship is toxic… (for you). I think your friends and parents are right, you deserve better. Between now and Nov 19th, I suggest you do a lot of rational thinking. Sorry, I just don’t see this working out well in the long run.
@patricia12 - I have been trying to get my head round that. Its hard to think of the bad times as there were very few and the time spent together was always incredible. I doubt she will be there on the 19th so my plan of action is to try and get over her. If she is there then it will be pretty emotional but we will need to have serious talks about her flippant behaviour. I’m kind of in that stage where I’ve lost all confidence in myself and I am doubting everything I do. Luckily I’ve started eating again as I couldn’t get anything past my mouth without gagging for a couple of weeks. I found out last night my granddad is in hospital and on Thursday last week one of my riding buddies died in a bike accident so the hardest thing right now is her not being by my side to tackle these other bigger problems in my life right now.
You really do deserve someone better. Sometimes people can make a change for the better. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. You can’t force her to change, yourself, she has to want to make the change, herself. Some people don’t change until they “hit bottom” and that is their wake up call. For some people, even that doesn’t work.
Hey peeps, So a quick update. With regards to the letter I sent. She opened it the Sunday before I had planed the meet. She sent me a really long text outlining why she had given up etc… I was abroad at the time and replied politely, and said I wish to start over with a relationship counsellor etc…Anyway the next day she got in contact. I didn’t reply, Our mutual friend then sent me a text saying she had spoken to her and that my ex didn’t know what to do since reading the letter. A couple of days goes by and I sent a text to our friend saying just let her know I love her. She replied that she has had enough of this and that she is going to bang our heads together as she thinks we are made for each other. My ex and our friend started working together at the same pub that week. Our friend then said that she had said the same thing to my ex and that she had smiled and that she really misses me. The night of the 19th my ex sent me a text asking how I was and we had a short conversation and signed off with hugs. I felt great after that and thought there was a chance. The very next day she sent me a text saying that I was to blame for her daughter being so upset about us breaking up and that she could never forgive me. I replied a little harshly as this was absolutely ridiculous as the very weekend she was frolicking off with her friend in berlin, me and her daughter were talking about relationships and I expressed how much I loved them both. So it escalated from there and I couldn’t take it anymore. I set her name to do not answer on my phone, blocked her on all social media and set about trying to focus on myself truly really for the first time in a while. Without the social networks this was actually much easier although I did have really down days thinking of our time in the summer together as a family. I stayed strong through December and started to feel a lot better. I took the advice of this brilliant site and thought hey maybe I should try and go on a date or two. Being that I work all the time I figured id best set myself up on a dating website and have been chatting to someone new who seems awesome. Anyway I asked her out on a date and we are going on our first this Saturday. Back to December…Near Christmas time as we were supposed to go down to my family I decided not to as it would be hard for me thinking of them both not being there. Instead I spent it with a friends family which was great. I came back to London for New Years. Now on New Years Eve I let my guard down and stupidly called her about an hour after the count down. She was really happy to hear my voice and we expressed how much we loved each other. New years day I sent a text saying I hope she was ok and that I am really sorry to have called. Yesterday she sent a text back saying don’t say sorry and that she was happy that I had called. I haven’t replied yet. Now the problem is I really am interested in the new person that I am yet to meet in person, Is it right to think its ok to go on this first date and se how things go while I continue a little more no contact or should I cancel and go with the little information I have and see if I can make amends sooner rather than later. All this is a bit of a mind mash for me and would appreciate your thoughts again. many thanks.
I think you should on this first date. It will give you more confidence. And you seem to wonder how this new girl is…
From what you wrote I think your ex was not fair to you.
I know a lot fathers who wouldnt even look after their biologica kids while the mother is on vacation. You seemed to care and love the daughter of your ex and when you broke up, she also cut you off completely from her daughters life. I think thats unfair.
She needs to be a bit more easy going and understanding.
It’s been over 3 weeks since you posted that but…
you wrote this:
“…So it escalated from there and I couldn’t take it anymore. I set her name to do not answer on my phone, blocked her on all social media…”
and that was the 100% correct thing to do. Honestly, she might shape up at this point because she knows she messed up and its bad enough that maybe she can change. I’m guessing you’ve already made a decision so any advice on that is probably too late.
Well another update. I did go on the date and had a great time, really nice girl however I let things go as I was still thinking about my ex. Then my ex got in contact, We managed to put it all aside and started to talk sort of normally again. That was around January 10th. She was in a bad place. I sent her a really nice short letter, well kind of poem with pictures of all three of us together from all our amazing times together as well as a small fork (this was a kind of I know you gesture as when we eat anywhere she has to eat with a small fork). I left it at that and waited for her to contact me. It wasn’t long and she would send me how are you texts to which I would reply asking about things with her and her daughter. It was always a short closed reply back from her and then she would go quiet for a couple of days. Classic hot and cold behaviour. Then on Sunday 28th of Jan at around 4 in the morning I was starring at the ceiling super down, missing her and unable to sleep. out of the blue she sent me a text saying “I don’t know what’s going on in my head, I still think of you as my man”. We exchanged a few texts and I hoped on my bike and rode across London. I arrived at her place at around 5am she opened the door and we embraced and kissed intensely like we had never been apart. This was the first time we had seen each other since we split over the phone. We had sex and embraced all morning and talked. She said we arnt getting back together just yet just taking it step by step. Anyway later on that day I took her out on my bike to a pub out north of London that seems to be our safe place and had a lovely roast and chat then we went back to my place and dropped off the bike before going for a few drinks and another long positive chat. She stayed at mine and we spend the night having sex and embracing. Respecting the fact that she said we arnt getting back together I waited for her to make contact which was the next day saying she couldn’t stop thinking about the past day. I replied agreeing how amassing it was. Since this have gone hot and cold. We have been speaking normally just distant. Things have been super difficult with her daughter as she has been diagnosed as bipolar so I can completely understand my ex being preoccupied. I am trying to be as supportive as I can and always reply to any text immediately and talk through my exes issues with her daughter. I am however finding it excruciating not dealing with these things as a team.
HAHAHA yup you hit the nail on the head there. I do wish she was a bit more easy going but at the same time no one makes me feel so alive. Yes there are bad times but holy crap are the times we are together amazing. The feeling is mutual but I know that she feels like she holds me back when in fact her and her daughter give me the drive to succeed. Its not the easy path but I believe its the right path for me. I want the best for her and her daughter and when they are happy I have never been so happy.
so as I was typing the last post my ex got in contact with a how are you text again. I replied and asked her about herself. some good news. Her and her daughter had a great night together last night at the cinema and dinner etc. she also said her best friends are coming to visit mid march which she is super happy about. I wrote back wow, I’m really happy for you, it would be nice to meet them.
Anyway I guess I’m a bit confused at the moment. Not sure if I continue waiting for her to make contact as when I make contact it seems to take her ages to reply. Or do I go no contact again but I worry this would undo the positive steps.
Like I said, love should be a lot easier than this. Stop chasing her so much! And it’s not a good idea for you to suggest meeting her friends, that’s her decision. Just take everything VERY slowly and let her do more contact with you instead of the other way around. You are chasing her and she is resisting. I know there have been several breakups and that’s NOT a good sign, but how long ago did you meet and when did you become a “couple”? I highly suggest you go to counseling together!
@patricia12, Thanks for your reply. I do agree with you. The only reason I texted “it would be nice to meet them” is because she has talked about these two friends a lot since we first got together over two years ago. She has always said that I would get on very well with the boyfriend as we are quite similar apparently.
My ex and I met in September 2015 and I moved to London in November. We became a couple on the 20th of November 2015. We split once for 5 months then got back together for a month then broke up for a month then got back together until this latest split. I did around 2 months no contact until new years and we have been talking since and have met once which was really incredible and I know that feeling was mutual as she said so. She has so much going on so I understand her flakiness. Since that meet I have only initiated contact a hand full of times. She has made contact regularly asking how I am and asking to meet on a couple of different Sundays then cancelling as something had come up. All contact has been sweet though with no pressure arguments or standoffs. I haven’t actually talked about getting back together although we did when we met last and agreed that this needs to be permanent when we do. She has said she cant live without me and although things have been tough I really can see a future.
That’s a bit more insight. I will take your advice and not make contact and not chase her. She knows my feelings. I just find it extremely confusing when she sends these how are you texts, I reply and ask about her, quite often with no reply for a while.
@patricia12 , Also I agree with you, if we get back together, after a few weeks I will suggest counselling. It is something I have suggested in the past as I would really like iron out our communication issues.
An Update. This are still super complicated. So I did a proper period of No contact. Until Monday 12/03. A mutual friend got in contact worried as my ex hadn’t shown up to work the previous day and hadn’t been on social media. I found it strange but just replied I haven’t herd from her and to keep me updated with news. About an hour later My friend let me know my ex was in hospital. I rang my ex and couldn’t get through. I sent a message saying I heard your in hospital, which one ill leave work now. She replied after an hour saying She couldn’t handle us not speaking, was supper depressed and had gone out, She is on lots of medication and the mix with alcohol had caused her to black out then she woke up in hospital. She said don’t worry about coming to the hospital as her friends were over and they were taking care of things. Anyway next day we exchanged a few texts and agreed that this cant go on and life was a lot better together however she said she needs to rest and doesn’t want any stress. I respected that and sent her a couple of support messages to which she was happy about. Come the weekend she sent me a text inviting me over to meet her friends that I was talking about in a previous post. What a great night. Got on really well with her friends. In the morning, I took her daughter out on a breakfast mission and we bought my exes favourite flowers from both of us. after breakfast we all went to the British museum and had a lovely day. Her daughter and I got on like a house on fire like always and we were so happy. Obviously my ex and I had lots of sex and in the passion of the moment she said she wants to marry me and we have to sort this situation out. I agreed. she then came and stayed with me on Monday night again really nice time together. The next day we continued our texts to each other all in good spirits. She said she really misses me already. I said well you can see me tonight. She replied she didn’t know and that we need to sort things out. So later on that night she sent a text saying she should have stayed with me. I didn’t see it until the morning and replied well anytime ; )
A couple of hours later she sent me a text saying she was really confused and that she didn’t want to complicate things and that she needed to know for sure about getting back together. I respect this and I am happy that she is being completely honest with me as Id hate to get back together then spit up again. Fast forward a few days to This past Sunday and she sent me a how are you text. We texted back and forth lightly, I was on face time to my parents at the time and said my dad asked after her. She said she misses them so much also.
I guess I’m writing this all down as it seems to help. Every time we are together its all so easy and works so well. I seem to be the missing link in-between her and her daughter and they get on a lot better when I am around. I guess her being confused makes me very confused. I’m letting her make all the moves and I haven’t pressured any get back together talks. I’m worried that in doing so, this behaviour is what is making her confused.