Hi, so I met this guy over social media and after a while of talking we got to know each other and he told me after a while that he liked me and wanted to take things further, so he asked me out and I said yes. He first told me that he was shy and i am too so I said it was okay that I’m pretty quite around new people. So we kept talking and we had a few opportunities to meet but I’d avoid them. One day he just wasn’t replying s much or often so I started to fear that maybe I was losing him so I push for us to meet but he was busy on the weekends.
So on Thursday March 8th after a long day of doctors appointments and school, I texted him he didn’t respond. At this time my anxiety started to kick in, I mean I was crying uncontrollably. So I sent him a message about how he didn’t have to talk to me if he didn’t want to but he should just tell me cos I’m having a panic attack over him ignoring me. Side note I’m not a very emotional person and since my last break up haven’t really like or felt attracted to anyone until him. I mean I had a dream that we were walking his dog by the lake hand in hand.
And my gosh that freaked me out and I mean that freaked me the hell out cos I have a complex and I have a very unnatural fear that everyone I love always leave me and I blamed myself for it. So I freaked out on him that night and I felt bad since he didn’t do anything to deserve it, plus I like him and I just fucked it up. The next morning he messaged me back saying he hadn’t been feeling well and he left his phone at work. Omg I felt ashamed!!! I had just over reacted for no reason.
I apologized and asked him to forgive me cos I’d never reacted so badly before and I won’t again. He said that my anxiety was giving him anxiety and that he just needed some time alone. So I gave him some space, I messaged him about 2-3weeks later saying I just thought of him and if he was feeling better I got no response. So I counted my loses cos well I panicked myself in that situation. Now here comes the complicated part so, last week Monday I was having a chat with my best friend and she was telling about this guy she was talking too and how he had been talking to a girl before and he liked her until she freaked out on him for no reason.
After further investigation we find out it’s the same guy and honestly, I just got this sinking feeling in my stomach cos I missed him a lot.he was so sweet and kinda to me, helped me when I had a problem I couldn’t solve, he was intimate with me but not in a sexual manner,and now my best friend is talking to him. And she shared with me that he had been sending her explicit photos, something that he didn’t do with me.i don’t know what to do and I miss him and want him back without ruining my relationship with my best friend.
First, you come across as pretty young and inexperienced. Online dating is a harsh world and you seem totally unprepared for it. You should know that the majority of men that date online are not serious - hardly anyone signs up on these dating sites to find their “true love”. The reality is that most of these men will have on average 5-8 women in their lists whom they talk to. Some of my friends who are into online dating told me that it’s typical for a guy to date one woman for a couple of weeks, then move to the next, then return to the first after about a month, and so on… Since there is always a possibility to find someone “better”, or at least that’s what online daters believe, it’s hard to settle for just 1 woman. It seems to me you have fallen into this trap.
I do not want to sound harsh here but I suspect this guy to be a player and just wanting a roll in the hay with you or any other woman he can get through the online site. I cannot see any evidence of feelings from his side. On the other hand, you did overreact but you did so on the basis of his hot-and-cold behaviour which would drive any woman insane. The reason for his behaviour is lack of true feelings - if he did not get you when he chased you, he just dropped you and started looking for other women. When you began to chase him back, by that time he had already got someone else that looked more promising.
In a way, your reluctant behaviour in the beginning has saved you a huge heartache in this case. I strongly advise you to act the same going forward as this helps you filter out the douchebags. I can assure you that this man does NOT deserve you. Nothing has happened between you two so you should be able to get over him in some time and look for someone worthy. Try to read more about online dating and its dangers before getting into it because it requires great skill to navigate.
Hi,
Thank you so much for the response. I actually messaged him last night apologizing again because the guilt had been hitting me pretty hard, I explained that I had gone to seek counsel cos I had some unfinished business with the skeletons in my closest, I changed my anxiety meds and that I hadn’t like anyone since my ex and that’s why I kinda went nuts cos I was scared to be with anyone…he hasn’t responded which I don’t know if he ever will. I’m what you’d call “sensitive”. I love too hard and deeply and that kinda why I’ve always had this guard up because I’ve come to learn the world is a cruel place.
You know what you said makes a lot of sense and maybe he is just playing the field, I don’t know. Because when we talked he was very open to me. He told he used to have seizures and that he had anxiety and was bi-polar. He helped me when i was having issues with my assignment and he talked me off the ledge a couple of times.But I’ll take it with me when next I decide to try dating again. I’m a good person and all I want to do is love someone and take care of them. And this has posed rather difficult.
Sorry about your painful experience. Not sure if it helps but most of us have been there and done that. You did pretty well in the process and this guy just got eliminated because he was not up to par. Take this as a valuable lesson that online dating has given you and I am sure you will be much wiser next time around
Thank you, I wasn’t sure what to do, but I feel better about it. I don’t know if he’ll ever message me or response. But I did what I thought best, which was to apologize. I feel a little better about it. I still miss him but there’s nothing I can do, of he chose to ignore me.
It’s been a couple of months and in the last little while a lot has been going on, so I finally got my medication recalibrated, got into meditation. Just got my life together.
One day John Doe that I originally messed things up with started talking to me. And we would text all day everyday and we set up a meeting date and he came over we ate cuddle, and we had sex. So we continued have casual hook ups until he asked me to be his girlfriend!!! I said yes Cos I really liked him, so the next thing I noticed is that we started arguing cos I was working a lot and wasn’t spending enough time, I was working 14hr days and was pretty exhausted!!! Plus he started taking to long to do anything. So we’d argue about that too.
He’s pretty stubborn so it was hard for you to get him to meet you in the middle. And he was vindictive, whenever he asked me to do some work and I say no, he’s guilty trip me. And when I asked him for something he’d say no just to get back at me. But besides that he was very sweet and nice and kind so I figured the good and the bad cancelled each other out. So for the last 2 weeks I hadn’t seen him, mostly cos he was sick and I was busy. So last week after I was done with my contract, I messaged him asking to see him, he said no. I asked about 4 more time and he’d say no, then proceed to ask me later if I wanted to hangout but by then I’d already have something else planned. After the last on I was upset cos I couldn’t imagine someone I cared for was rejecting me constantly. I was hurt so over text I said it was okay and he can “keep fuxking doing what he was doing”
I went to ikea and bought him a bed, cos I promised I would. So I called him when I was on my way to drop the bed but there was no response so I just dropped on his lawn cos it was too heavy for me to carry it by myself. So I left and went home.
I texted him and told him that I had left it but I got no response. So I wake up at 5:30 in the morning there was still no response from him so I begin to panick, what if someone moved it! What if he’s in the hospital(he has seizure often) so I went to his house and the bed was gone. So I start freaking out, so I kept calling hoping that his ringing phone would wake him home but it didn’t, I had already called him about 34 times and about 7 messages at this point. So I just knocked on his door. His dad answered. I went up to his room and I asked him why he hadn’t been answering and he say he was sleeping, I said okay. I laid in bed with him for a bit until he had to get up to got to work, he left for work kissed me good bye and all of a sudden texted me and says he can’t deal with all the fighting. And that he wants to break up. So I said okay. Then he was like how much was the bed, I said I don’t want your money and he kept being insistent so I said please just go. And then I texted him that, one of the reasons I didn’t trust him was because I never felt like he care for our relationship or me as a person. And then I told him that I cried the night before because I missed him, the part I failed to tell was that I felt rejected by him. He then said I shouldn’t feel like that. That I shouldn’t feel that strongly about him in which my reply was I don’t have a choice in how I feel. What do I do?
For starters, you can stop arguing with him! He texted you and said he “can’t deal with all the fighting”. Obviously this is the main reason he broke up with you. Even though you were concerned about the bed you left on the front lawn, calling 34 times and leaving 7 messages is extreme! Having sex on the first meet up wasn’t a good idea and men don’t bond to a woman just by having casual hook ups. Guys emotionally connect to a woman through having nice times and getting to know and enjoy her personality. Asking to see a guy 4 times after he says no, is begging and pitiful. He should be the one asking you! Telling him you cried because you missed him was another mistake. If you ever get another chance with him, I suggest you enjoy whatever time you spend together and don’t argue or nag about anything. Also have him take you out for proper dates instead of hooking up for sex. Be sweet and kind and have fun. Guys don’t like drama and fighting! They will always leave someone who does that stuff because it causes too much stress and unhappiness. Try at least 30 day of absolute no contact and work on improving your neediness and clinging tendencies. Glad to hear your medication was re-calibrated and that you’re doing meditation… hope it’s helping.
I think you do need to be kind to this man. I know it’s difficult when he has broken your heart, but if you want him back, you can’t be arguing with him
Thank you for the feed back, we’ve gonna out on dates a couple times. And usually everything goes well. I’m not a mean person and I’m clingy I wish I was!!! I worry about him a lot cos his seizures have no known trigger. I usually go with the flow but it’s hard to juggle a needy boyfriend with school and work. There has been times where I’d be so tired that is fall asleep right in the middle of sex. And if I tell him no, he results to begging and pleading and the guilt tripping. That’s why I ask him, cos I basically give him the times I’m available and he says no.
I will follow the no contact rule, quite honestly, I’m emotional exhausted and I’m not even sure I want to Bother with all of it, even tho I miss and care for him
