My bf of more than two years (we have lived together) broke up with me a couple of days ago.
Our issues were communication-related and could be improved but the chance should have been given.
I will stay in our appartment (I was the main tenant legally etc.), he is looking for a place to stay. I am now staying with friends and told him he can take the time to look for a room but I’d appreciate if he was out in a few days.
Since the break up and me moving to my friend’s we haven’t spoken. I am of course going to keep it this way (NO COnTACT). Some logistical arrangements will have to be discussed.
I really miss him but I am strong enough to do this. I just want to hear some encouraging thoughts that there is a way to make things right.
At the moment all I am focusing on is being functional again and not contact him with anything. My ideal scenario is him reaching out to me after the holidays.
Thanks for whatever you have to say.
Solaine
@Solaine - Two years together is a long time where love and emotions are involved, but living together can be difficult at times and there needs to be very good honest communication in the form of calm discussions as to how to work through any problems. Showing respect for each other during those talks, listening to each others viewpoints, and compromise etc…
Going no contact is good in this situation and you can do it even though it’s difficult and heartbreaking. I hope he contacts you, but it might take some time. If he doesn’t, you have to move on with your life the best you can…
Wishing you luck:)
Hi and thanks for your kind words. I am sticking to no contact, planning a long-awaited major career change that I was too shy to consider and I also want to learn meditation.
I am doing these for myself because they will make my life better. But I can’t help but think that he might reconsider ending things because he sees I am the same motivated person I was when we met.
Do you think there is a chance flr this scenario?
I know it’d be hard work to makenot work again but we had such beautiful times (he also said this when we broke up).
@Solaine - Good luck with your career change:) I don’t know if he will change his mind or not, but it’s nice he said that you had some beautiful times together. Keep your chin up and continue no contact.
Make sure he gets out of the apartment. You shouldn’t have to stay with friends, your name is on the apartment and, on top of it, he broke up with you. No contact doesn’t count for discussions around that.
Hello,
I accidentally clicked report instead of reply, I am sorry! I hope your comment will stay up as it is relevant and helpful!
He moved out before I was supposed to go back. He hasn’t taken everything bc he is looking for a more final arrangement for his living situation.
He took the essential things, including something we only had one of and is needed every day. It was his and we agreed he’d take it. He made arrangements for me with what we had in the flat so that I am not missing this thing when I go back which I found very caring. Sorry for no more details but it’d be too personal for the net.
I’m finishing week 1 of NC.
I am trying to calm down as I realize I have been in constant stress for the past year bc of work as well.
Hello, so he is coming over to pick up some stuff ober the weekend. I won’t be home.
I was thinking of coming home to talk to him but I know it’s a bad idea because first I need to pull myself together. I often feel sad and find it hard to concentrate at work.
When no contact ends, it will be right before the holidays when he goes home to see his family. He’ll be there for well over a week. Where we are currently living he is still new to the area so it will be a happy period for him to see home and his family.
What do you think, should I extend NC until next year or better go with the original plan?
It’s all hypothetical now and it should depend how I am feeling but I prefer to have a general timeline in my head.
@solaine - I assume you’re back in the apartment and he found another place… Yes, I think it would be better to extend NC until after the holidays. Going home while he is there to collect his things could be too dramatic for him as he’s surly upset about the transition and then he will be going away to visit his family, so he has much on his mind. And it seems you’re not emotionally ready to have another discussion. Things will calm down after the holidays and you’ll both be in a better frame of mind. I’m sorry, but understand why you’re feeling sad and can’t concentrate very well at work. But over time your thoughts will settle down and both of you will be able to think more logically.
Good luck…
I agree with patricia but I’d also add that you seem to know yourself pretty well and know the situation better than anyone so whatever you decide yourself is probably the best cause of action.
Hey guys,
Thanks so much for sharing your opinion, it matterd a lot to have some support.
I am sticking to NC no matter how hard it is… I need at least two more weeks and I will see from there how to proceed. Part of me wants him to contact me, part of me wants to just heal alone.
Answering your question, yes, he has moved out, he found a temporary place so much of his stuff is still at mine. I hope I only have to deal with this after the holidays (so far I was very matter of fact but flexible on how he picked up his stuff during NC).
@Solaine - You’re doing the right thing. Since he took the drastic step of actually physically moving out of your place, apparently he didn’t even want to try and work things out with you. So, don’t get your hopes up too high. Unless he misses you and then decides he wants to talk through and resolve the issues, please move forward with your own life. Meet and date other guys sometime in the future and focus on your new career path and start the meditation classes (if you haven’t already).
Best wishes for you no matter what happens…
Thanks for the kind words and wishes. Two weeks of NC now… it’s been hard but helps me focus on myself.
I am not ready yet to give up hope but I am focusing on other relationships (family, friends, work) and even planning some cool trips I have always wanted to take.
If the time comes to think things through, it won’t be now but after both of us will have had some soace and time. And only if I don’t feel this hurt and sad and hopeless but realize there is a whole world out there.
Meditation/yoga is great, highly recommended!
I hope you’re doing well. It’s still early so it is probably still part of that difficult time where you are thinking about the other person a lot, especially when you have time to yourself.
Hi, and thanks for checking in. It’s been over 2 weeks of NC.
I am sad and often feel empty and sometimes even worse than that but I’m slowly rebuilding myself and am looking for things and projects I am enthusiastic about and can focus on.
Some of his stuff and furniture are still at my place. I have reorganised the appartment so it feels mine again and packed away his things.
I am going to continue NC until the holidays and I will see in January if I actually want to take any steps towards getting back together.
Just a little update: it’s been 3 weeks of NC. It’s quite easy without social media though. I feel better but there are relapses. Oh well, I know it’s part of it.
I still have this guilty feeling but I am becoming more objective of the relationship without being judgemental.
I will check in again in a while just to let you know how I am coping…
So… after NC ended, I sent him a message for Xmas and his birthday and planned to leave it at that. He answered immediately, he told me some news in his life that is commected to something we used to talk about. I expressed I am happy this thing turned out to be okay. He again immediately responded and asked me how I was. I told him I was back at my parents’ and was enjoying my time off from work. I asked how he was… and that’s it, no answer for days. This made me really sad. I see from comments and posts that this is fairly commom but it really upsets me.
Happy holidays, everyone! I hope you have had a wonderful time!
@Solaine - Apparently he really doesn’t want two-way communication. Maybe it was just a friendly gesture to ask how you are. Continue no contact and yes, please keep us posted…
Hope you had a nice Christmas and will have a wonderful new year:)
Thank you, the holidays have been nice, as nice as they get in times like these.
I am continuing with no contact into the new year for sure. As he has a lot of things at mine that he didn’t take yet (which I find strange as I learnt he’d found a place) so we will need to talk about that. I will avoid seeing him I think though.
I will see if he’ll answer at any point or message for the new year. I do not expect anything at this point.
I am still thinking about what I want. I might at some point try to restart our connection but at the moment I prefer to focus on my career change and meditation and so on.
I think it’s rude for him to just not respond to you. If he didn’t want to respond, he should say doesn’t want to. Seems like a lousy way to treat someone you’ve been in a relationship with for that long.
Of course I’m a bit hypocritical saying that because I’ve not responded to emails sent to me but I justify it as different. I did it when it hurt too much to reply and I eventually did when I could, after a few days. Maybe its the same for him where he doesn’t know what to say or doesn’t want to hurt you. But if so, he could explain that. It doesn’t seem like that’s the case.
Not responding at all to something you write must make you feel like he doesn’t care at all, not even enough to respond. You originally said you broke up due to communication issues and he didn’t give you a chance. Did you feel the communication issues were on your side or his? It seems like he’s the one with the issues communicating as it doesn’t seem like he’s treating you respectfully.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I agree that it was rude… I answered his messages because I find it rude not to, especially when the topic is so neutral. He could have said Me too and bye for now if he didn’t want to chat, especially as he had initiated the conversation.
Yes, as I mentioned, we had communication issues. I was also at fault because I also caused drama by putting a lot of work stress into the relationship etc. and said hurtful things. I wasn’t happy and in a good place, I wasn’t myself. He had issues with communicating when he was upset and why and never let things go but buried everything inside. No way of talking things out. Also had some passive aggressive tendencies, and I feel not answering actually fits that somehow. Or maybe he wants to hurt me which can be an answer to some of my behavior. Things that should have been discussed in the relationship or let go of with the break up.
It’s exactly because of the, let’s say, different approaches to communication and arguments and conflict resolution that I am focusing on moving on and rebuilding a healthier and happier life. I am remembering the beautiful moments and feelings and know he is a great person. But also the strange way how he is (not) communicating about taking his belongings from my place shows that in bad emotional situations he cannot communicate.
Happy New Year, here’s to a better and happy 2018 to all readers!