So I have been following this site for a a year now because my boyfriend is a runner. Last year we dated for a month and when it got hot in the kitchen, he shut me out no matter what I said or did he gave me silence. After 2 weeks of me making the mistakes in step one. I stopped and a month went by and he came back. We went strong for 2 months then it happened again. This time I violated all of step one and probably the entire steps. So after I stopped my craziness (3 months) Here he came again but this time he finally opened up and communicated with me,he told me things I did not know, cried and wanted us to be a family. So here I go again. One day he told me he loved me and things were great. I helped him get this job he wanted and he is doing great. 4 months in deep we spoke about living together but one night things changed. He had been working alot and our time together had dwindled so I started questioning our relationship, his feelings toward me. Anyway he ran again because I pushed him away with my questioning. I came to the realization that love is not just a feeling, it is a decision that we make,to battle challenges that may come our way. If he really truly cared our minor problem could have been resolved and I mean all 3 times were minor issues. I know there are deeper issues that he is not telling me and feel there is something going on, nothing like a women’s feelings.People change there character and when there is something wrong. So here I am writing and he is still on my social media a week later. I decided to walk away and let him officially break this off like always. I have not said a word to him because it really really hurt this time. I have kids that love and adore him. So with all of this what do you think I should do?
Hi
To build a solid relationship, you need mutual trust and respect. Reading your story, I feel that you guys may be lacking in this area and hence all the problems arising in your interaction. You wrote “I know there are deeper issues that he is not telling me…” this shows you do not trust him. On the other hand, he comes across as emotionally unavailable and this may justify why he acts as a commitment phobe. It is a hard situation but not all is lost here. If I were you, I would first draft a letter telling him clearly what you want from a relationship, how you feel that your needs are unmet by him and you are not happy with what he’s been offering you so far. Post the letter and then start a strict NC on this guy. Try to do it for at least 6-8 weeks. This attitude is likely to trigger renewed attempts for contact from his side but you will need to stay strong. After all, what’s the point of him contacting you if 1) he has not worked on himself and 2) he is not ready for a serious relationship with you that involves respect and mutual trust?
Following my suggestion may or may not get your ex back (there are no guarantees, unfortunately) but I can assure you that it will make you stronger and more confident about yourself so that one day you are in a position to decide what is best for you and your happiness. Good luck!
I too am dealing with a runner … But i do know my ex has issues that are explained by commitment phobia. Created from past hurts and a divorce. As soon as we get to a very serious point in our relationship she pulls away as your ex did and then it started me questioning things and feeling insecure. Which I found was her safety mechanism to push me away and run. She has done it twice so far.
Unfortunelty u can’t fix your ex, he has to want to do that himself. And he obviously has a clear pattern going on with his actions, that I would say he needs to address. As does my ex.
So u have to ask yourself how much u are willing to take? I know I’m trying to get mine back. But I have decided if that does happen, I’m not just going to jump all in and be nieve happy because of it like before. But rather we will need to address This problem and really openly talk about it and solutions. And see if she is willing to try and change.
Hi, thank you for responding! This has been so difficult and hurtful. Today is a week and he is still on my social media with no action from him. Amyway I text him last night and in so many words that as a couple we should be able to fix this minor issue and that this is the 3rd time he shut me out. I asked that he please give me the respect and either end it lets take a step back and work on it. He did not respond. I know I cannot change him but I feel that we could work at it but you are correct I have asked myself do I really want to be with someone that is going to run? This did not just hurt me but my children again. I figured if I do not hear from by tonight that I will go ahead and block him on my phone. I do not want to remove him from my social media because I want him to do it and take responsibility by ending this. It just stinks because we were good to each other.
Hi again, so I have not heard from him after my last text so I blocked his number. I keep telling myself he has moved on. Although he is still on my social media. I am walking away because I do not see him coming back at this point. I am going back to focusing on myself and my family. Hopefully I am doing the right thing? I will say I will always love him tho.
If there are problems in a relationship, it takes both wanting to try and work through them. One can not do it alone. If he doesn’t want to try, there’s nothing you can do. Yes, you’re doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and family.
I am devastated! He responded that he knows very well about his failed relationships and he said have a good life. I can’t figure out for the life of me what it was I did so wrong? I just wanted more time and questioned his feelings a few times because I felt us dwindling. I did the why can’t we talk, Pretty much begging but then I caught myself and said ok I will leave you alone and that I will always love you. Why?? Why run again?? Why hurt my daughter’s and I again??? I am so upset!and he finally kicked me off of social media.
OMG… I’m so sorry and I understand how devastated you must be! Try not to ask why this all happened as you may never get an answer that makes sense. Some guys just don’t communicate very well. Most men don’t want endless discussions about feelings or rather lack of feelings. Some run when they feel the sparks leaving or an issue arises and they aren’t invested enough to try and work things out. We all want easy loving relationships, so next time if a man tells you he loves you, don’t question him about it, just go with the flow and be happy. Be more understanding and supportive of a guy who has to work long hours or for some reason can’t spend as much time with you as he would like. I wish you and your family the best and I know your daughters must be hurting too. Someday you will find a man who is more understanding and caring…
This is the 3rd time that he ran like this and is so heartless! Why did he keep coming back? His explanation last time was that he was sorry and he had demons in him, cried for me and asked for another chance. There has to be an issues with him that I don’t know. I am just bitter now and feel like a fool! I want him to come back just so that I could say no
I know it sounds harsh but all you could do to preserve your sanity is cut all contact with this man and move on. Even if he comes back for yet another chance, ignore his attempts. It looks to me that this man has placed you on the backburner and only returns when he runs out of options. Sorry, but I cannot think of anything else to justify his behaviour. If you want to be happy again, learn to live without him and focus on your personal growth.
Hi again, so since he broke up with me I had my moments of anger. I sent him a message that was to the point and ended it saying he was heartless. Then on Sunday I emailed him as my closure. I often wonder with his pattern and this being the 3rd time he ran, if he would come back again? I am sure I sound silly but I can’t help it. I have a few of his things and do not know what to do with them. I really do not want to contact him anymore so I will keep trying to move forward.
Hi
you know what they say, “hope dies last”. I can understand that you keep hoping one day he will return to you. And he might. For a while. Then he may leave again if he finds “better” opportunities elsewhere. So I am asking you: “Are you ready to deal with these blows on a regular basis? Can you afford to go through this ongoing hot-cold process with a guy whom you cannot rely upon?” On the other hand, if you look for nothing serious with him and can take it easy, probably as friends with benefits or something, this looks like the ideal way to go. That’s what he himself may be looking for.
Sorry I cannot be positive about him - but I can recognize this pattern from a mile …they only cause grief and suffering.
Hi, so a short update. He spoke to my daughter’s on there birthday but not me. Anyway I sent him a text thanking him and that I would sit down and tell the girls he will no longer be around. Of course he did not respond. Two days after that I went into a gas station near our jobs and long behold he was in front of me. He just looked at me and kept walking. You can tell he kinda froze. I looked at him and shook my head and said ugh… I took off as quickly as I could. Good news is I am doing much better, the bad news is that my chances of running into him in the morning are high and it is driving me crazy, it is a constant reminder. Also being I helped him get that job, all of my male friends work there so he too is getting a reminder. Well moving on and hope he does not come back. My friends seem to think he will.
Hi, so it has been 10 days since my last text to him and running i to him. 11 days since he spoke to my daughter’s. This weekend for some reason was hard for me. I made the mistake of drinking wine and I had a full blown meltdown. I text him that we missed him tremendously and of course no response. I do not know why I started to have a hard time again. I was doing good and removed many people from my life that caused me some sort of pain. This is really hard and I need to find a way to fill the void and emptiness that is in me.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, but it’s probably because you’re only remembering or focusing on the good times. Drinking lowers inhibitions and sad thoughts caused a meltdown and prompted you to text him. Please try to abstain from drinking until at least you’re a lot more emotionally stable. Another way to avoid the hurt and completely get over him and move past this for the sake of your daughters and yourself, is to think long and hard about how he impacted and harmed your life. Think of the grief he’s caused all of you. Being alone with your girls would be far better. I assure you the hurt of his repeatedly running is more detrimental than anything he could have done that you considered helpful or sweet. You said love is more than a feeling, it’s a decision to battle challenges. But he’s never been there for you and his refusing to discuss things and running is his personality. It won’t change. Getting out of the relationship with him was the best thing for you and the girls. You never could have felt completely loved and secure. You would have no trust and would always wonder when he would run again. You and the girls deserve much better. Stay strong and you’ll be okay. I know it’s hard, but you have much to be grateful for.
Fill the void with your children, family, and friends.
Hi, thank you for your reply! You nailed it with everything you said and I felt that way when we were together. When it started to dwindle it crossed my mind that it would happen again. I have read your response every day since you posted and it has been a helpful reminder of the man he really is. Thank you again!
Don’t be angry or bitter toward him, just chalk it up to experience. You are all much better off without him, believe me! If you still have a few of his things, you’ll probably have to contact him in order to return them. With the next guy, you’ll have a better understanding of what you need in a relationship to feel secure and happy. Wishing you and the girls the best:)
Thank you, I am no longer bitter and this was a learning experience that’s for sure! I did not want to see him or contact him so I dropped his things off on his porch while he was working. Now the only thing left is for me to get over seeing work trucks on my way to work. It is a reminder for me and I do not like it at all, I have been searching for another route. Thanks again!
Taking a different route for now might be a good idea, but as you get stronger and come to accept for an absolute certainty that he was toxic to your family, the work trucks won’t upset you or make you sad. They will take on less and less meaning over time. There might be fleeting thoughts, but instantly erase them from your mind and distract yourself with other more pleasant sights or thoughts. Glad you took his things back and that you’re on the road to recovery from the very unsettling heartbreaking situation you’ve been through…
Good luck
Hi again, so it has been a while now since the break up. I keep having my moments and I can’t seem to shake him off. I have gone on a few dates and it is just not working for me. My friend, my exes boss called me sat night to talk to me about another tech, anyway of course he brought up my ex and I told him that we didn’t work out and that this was the 3rd time that he did this to me. My friend said he was sorry because I am a good woman. He told me my ex was doing really well at his company and will be promoted soon. I made the mistake of emailing my ex telling him how great he was doing and how happy i was for him and that great things are coming his way. Of course no response. I guess not having closure has taken a toll on me. I do not understand how he could go from loving me so much to hating me and not speaking to me at all. I have been thinking how I have spent the last 24 years taking back my 3 exes over and over again and I hurt every time they left. They always came back and I would always forgive them. I am now working on myself to not be so forgiving. This ex was the hardest. I miss him tremendously and can’t stop thinking about him. Any suggestions please?