Good luck matey I hope everything works out for you in time
It’s been a week already! On Wednesday she spoke to me about the kids. She sent several messages concerning them then the conversation turned away from them so I ignored those last two messages, and sent one final message saying goodnight. I texted her yesterday, asking about the kids which was a short conversation.
It is not easy.
How often do you see the kids?
I’m assuming the counselors were individual for depression etc…
Don’t contact her too frequently, maybe once a week or even a little longer…
I haven’t seen the kids for a week. I am planning on seeing them next week.
Yes the counselors were individual. I found that they worked for a short period of time then lost their effectiveness. That is why I tried medication which did work.
Yeah the first time was she contacted me because one of the kids was sick and she updated me. She then told me that one of our other kids have come down with a fever. So a few days later I asked how he was and she sent a reply. I don’t plan on contacting her for a few more days. She knows that I care about our kids.
She just contacted me on facebook concerning plans for our public holiday next weekend. I am planning on staying at the house with the kids while she goes and stays at a friends. The next day all of us, including my family, are going to mcdonalds for our son’s birthday. She asked if it was OK for her to come along and I said that’s fine.
The weekend after our son and his friends will be going flip city for his birthday party and I said I would come too.
The messages kept on topic and did not get personal. Should I be worried that she is OK with going to stay at a friends place while I am there?
She has been talking to my mum. According to mum, my ex sounds tired, presumably from working and looking after the kids by herself.
I do feel for her but that is the effect I want for her; give her the breakup that she wanted.
No, don’t be worried that she will be staying with friends while you’re at the house with the kids. It seems like a good idea to avoid any awkwardness at this time.
I hope you all have a nice time at the birthday party.
Just be your polite self and have fun:)
I think it’s normal that she would be a little fatigued. It’s not easy working and looking after 3 young children on a daily basis. Yes, continue limited contact…
Curious as to exactly how long ago you moved out and approximately how often you visit the kids since you moved out.
I moved out sometime in October and rented a room in the same town as the kids. That lasted until March and for a lot of that time I was cold and angry towards her. Every tuesday and weekend I would see the kids. I then moved back in with my parents about 50 minutes away from the kids. I would see them every tuesday and every second weekend. The last time I saw them was the day before I started NC which was last Monday.
I think it’s understandable to be angry, but I hope you didn’t display your anger in front of the children and don’t ever bad mouth your wife to your children! At their ages, they must be having a little difficulty understanding the separation. But if they are treated well in both households, they can adjust. And they will understand better when they are older…
So do you pick the kids up every Tuesday and take them out for the entire day while your wife is at work and then drop them back off at the house when she’s there?
And alternated weekends is when you stay at the house while your wife stays with friends?
I’m in the United States and we say “Mom” or “Mother”. But you say “Mum” … are you in England?
No I didn’t. I was just short her with, ignored her, barely looked at her.
I stayed at the house Tuesday night since she was working at those nights and took them out for the day on weekends. Since moving here the kids sometimes stayed here or I would go up there and stay the weekend. She didn’t go to her friends but sometimes she worked. It was only after I told her that I needed distance between us that she suggested that she go stay with friends.
I’m in New Zealand actually.
She just called me concerning the kids. She tried to call me once but I didn’t answer then she messaged me on facebook saying she wanted to talk about one of our kids. So she called me back.
She had been talking to my mum who told my ex about the relief teaching that I had been doing and she asked me about it but I didn’t respond and, instead, I directed the conversation back to our kids.
On Tuesdays she works nights and she mostly relied on me to look after the kids. When I started NC I told her that I won’t be doing it unless it is necessary and, if I am needed, then I will come late, when she is ready to leave. Last Tuesday and this one her dad has been looking after the kids and she told me that he is terrible with them. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that but I had to cut the talk short because I had to get to class to set up. She sounded disappointed when I told her that.
I don’t want to get my hopes up but it sounds like NC is having an effect on her.
Hope things are moving forward for the best for you mate. I’m starting to think I prefer being alone again lol, all this pissing around is doing my head and I feel like I’ve got my confidence back after my ex took that away from me and made me feel worthless
What is relief teaching? Is it like being a substitute teacher? Glad she on is on good terms with your mother. Is your father in the picture too?
Yes, it’s curious she would say her father is terrible with the kids. Is her mother still in the picture? Most grandparents are very loving with their grandchildren, but maybe you can find out more about it on Saturday.
Yes, it sounds like she is missing you:) You’re doing great, but continue limited contact.
Yes it’s substitute teaching. I’m doing it to gain some experience and then study to be a teacher myself. Yes my father is in the picture too and gets along with my ex. They are planing a shopping trip next Friday when it is a long weekend.
It’s just his nature and how he was brought up. He loves the kids but he has anxiety issues. Her mother is better but, again, doesn’t do as good a job as me.
I’m into the second week now and it is getting easier. Next weekend will be a challenge when I have to see her.
Stay calm and be polite. Good luck and keep us posted, okay?
My parents seem to think that I need to earn brownie points with her by doing things for her. Well I did things like look after the kids while she has days out with her friends, walk the dog, bake cakes, tidy the house, do the dishes and none of them made an effect. She said she appreciated it but they did not make any real difference.
I just read this all. I think no contact is definitely still the right thing to do. If you start doing things for her again you become that safety net again, where as the love and effort should be reciprocated. It can also put you in the friend category, which isn’t bad, because you can always use your charm and new, improved, more attractive version of yourself to see your ex and form a new attraction with them. The no contact can get you on the right track, and then whatever situation you are in, you can get your ex back. Wish you luck and hopefully she is just keen to recommence a relationship with you!
Starting week 3 of NC. Tomorrow is the first time in over two weeks that I am meeting her but only briefly. We are meeting up so our son can spend the day with me on Wednesday because of a teacher strike. So it will be an interesting test to see if she tries and talks to me about personal things.
It seems you’ve already been doing nice things for her, so what else do your parents think you should do? Did they make any suggestions?
When you see her, continue to be upbeat and polite. If she brings up personal things, don’t be rude or cut her off, just listen. And if she asks you personal questions, make very short comments (IE: don’t go into a lot of detail). So don’t be cold as ice…
Think about how you treated her when you were depressed and the main reasons she wanted a separation and improve on that… She needs to see that you’ve changed for the better. And if that means being more supportive or understanding of her feelings, so be it.
There was nothing that they suggested that I have not done before.
I won’t be cold towards her but I won’t go into anything personal. I will just say I appreciate the interest.
I don’t think there has been enough NC for me to be supportive or understanding yet. If I do that now I will most likely go back to being her safety net or just another friend. More time needs to elapse and it will be several more weeks before I do that.