Ok, this is a tricky one. I haven’t been able to find any help for a situation like mine.
Here’s the story. I was with my girl for 4 years (I’m 35, she’s 30). We lived together for most of it. We were completely sure that we would be together forever, married, and spend the rest of our lives together. My plan was to go back and finish school, get married, and then have kids. Well, we were great together for the first 3 years, but during that last year, things got bad. She was about to turn 30, and I think her maternal clock was ticking loudly in her body, because she would often become frustrated and sad, and cry about how she was just waiting for my timeline, and how she wanted kids and marriage, and forward progress. This would make me doubt whether I wanted these things, even though I always have wanted to marry her and have kids. I told her I may never want kids, and that I didn’t like the concept of marriage. This made her more angry, and we would argue and fight more.
Then, one of my best friends got dumped and lost his job in the same month, and he had no where to stay, so I let him stay with us (I have a three bedroom house, and it was just me and my girl). She HATED the fact that I let him stay there, and she would always tell me she wanted him gone, argued with him, and this caused many more fights. All this stress was really screwing with my mental state, and I began failing a really hard class in school. It all built up to be too much for me when, the night before my birthday, she went into my phone, looked through my notes, and saw a note that I wrote about how I was unhappy, and I felt like I was at rock bottom (I sometimes journal my feelings in my notes, just to get stuff out). Well, she took a screencap of this note, and the next day, on my birthday while she was at work, she texted me a picture of the note and was like “What the hell is this?” I told her not to do this on my birthday, but she wouldn’t let up, and kept saying, “NO, we need to talk about this right now”. I snapped. Lost it. I packed up some things and moved out, into my dad’s house. I told her I can’t be with her, and I need to get out.
Over the course of the next month I essentially broke up with her. I told her I didn’t want to be with her anymore, and that I love her, but I’m not in love with her. She said she would wait for me, and asked me how long I needed. I told her not to wait for me, and that I don’t if I ever wanted to come back. So, she was a wreck, I was hurting, but I just wanted to make sure I was able to concentrate on school and myself. I felt like I was failing my goals, and being in that environment with her was toxic for my mental state. So, she moved out of my house, with my help financially rented a room from a couple, and I moved back in my house. She wanted me back, so I agreed to counseling, at which I told the therapist that I didn’t want a relationship with anyone, and I just wanted to focus on my goals. My girl begged and waited for me. I didn’t come back.
Now, fast forward 3 months. I graduated college. Immediately after this, I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. I began to realize that I am truly in love with my girl, and I want to fix the things that we were fighting over. I do love her, and our problems are not un-fixable. The next week, right before Christmas, she came over to drop her dog off (I was gonna dog sit while she went to her mom’s for christmas). She said that she missed me, and I said I missed her too. We kissed, hugged, she cried, I kissed her tears. I said that when I got back from my trip (3 week trip to Philippines), we would spend more time together. So, I took my vacation trip. Only one email from me during this trip. When I got back 3 weeks later, I had to do some projects for my work that took up about 2 weeks of my time with out of town trips. I just said I was busy, and she said the same. Then, about a week after this, I got a call from her, saying that she was seeing someone else, and that she would always love me, and wanted me to always be in her life.
This DESTROYED ME. I begged, I promised everything. I told her I would wait for her if she would stop seeing this guy. she would but she said she was sorry, but that she had moved on. So, I said goodbye to her, and that I couldn’t wait for her if she was with someone else, but I was weak, and I texted her every night, begging, rationalizing, etc. About a week later, she texted me saying this: “I don’t know why I’m even telling you this because I’m still in the same spot as I told you. But maybe you can rest easier now knowing that I am not seeing anyone”.
Now, she is so distant, and will not talk to me. If she does, it’s only a few words. I asked her to meet me for a drink, and she said that she needs her time and space. I met up with her a couple of times since, to pick up medicine for the dog, and to drop off her spare car keys. Both times, she is very distant, and tries to avoid eye contact. I hug her and tell her I love her and miss her, kiss her on the cheek, but she says nothing.
What can I do? I want her back, I really love her, and I’ve had time to realize all this. Should I implement no contact? We already had a break of around 7 months… I have to be careful not to give her the feeling of abandoning her again.
Thank you in advance for any advice!
-W
