Hello, my situation is a little tricky, and I would love some advice on how to move forward. I’ve been 45 days no contact and I’ve worked on myself, gone on dates with other great guys, but I still find my heart wanting to reconcile with my ex. The last time we spoke though I told him unless he wanted to be in a relationship with me that I did not want him to contact me anymore. He replied and said “I’m sorry I just miss you and wonder what you’re up to these days”. I feel like none of the ideas listed in how to contact your ex again after no contact would really work for me- seeing as though I gave an ultimatum and stuck to it. Any contact after that text I feel would be very unnatural and out of place, and I want it to be as smooth as possible. I would really like some advice on how to go about this, and I understand there is a reasonable possibility it may not ever work out. But I also know that I handled the situation poorly. Should I apologize for the way I acted and just leave it at that? Part of me wants to say that I hope we can be friends but I also don’t want to jeopardize my chances of a full reconciliation. I would be willing to build a friendship before we got back into any form of relationship (we kind of ended because he wouldn’t commit to me) but I have worked on being very patient since we split up. I would just like to know how to contact him after this point. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
How long were you dating him? Please understand that you can’t talk a guy into a relationship. After knowing you a while, he either wants you to be his girlfriend or he doesn’t. He chose NOT to commit.
You wrote: “I told him unless he wanted to be in a relationship with me that I did not want him to contact me anymore”. NO, don’t apologize for saying it. That was you standing up for what you want and need. You won’t be satisfied with friendship and it will hurt even more to go back to more of the same. He is aware of what you want and now the ball is in his court. He probably misses you, but that still doesn’t mean he wants an exclusive relationship with you!
Don’t settle for breadcrumbs and don’t answer anything he sends unless he wants to talk about the possibility of a serious relationship. Continue to date great guys and focus on each one with an open mind. Maybe one of them will turn out to be boyfriend material:) Good luck.
I wish I had seen this sooner, so a little update I actually texted him a few days ago (my therapist actually suggested it) and we talked and caught up a little bit, he seemed really happy that I reached out to him again and now reading what you wrote I feel a bit unsure. We actually met up yesterday, he asked me out to grab food with him, and I thought it went pretty well he told me he wants to see me again soon and asked to go to a show with him in a couple of months. He’s been bad at responding, it’s usually on his terms and it makes me feel kind of disappointed, honestly. I understand how I want someone to treat me and he isn’t necessarily doing so, as of yet. I feel like I’ve read other places that say to be patient and give it time, but I also think you’re right. Now I’m kind of unsure of what to do at this point. Should I contact him again and say I’m sorry but I can’t see you unless this is going somewhere or not? Or just leave it the way it is and go back to no contact? This really sucks, seeing him again brought up feelings I had with him before but if he doesn’t see me as someone he wants to commit to eventually I don’t really want to pursue it any further and hurt myself more than I already have. I’m kind of disappointed in myself for going back on my word; but at the same time I value him as a person and would take it slow if it meant it would turn in to something.
@Jinxy - How long were you dating? Did he say he loved you? Was he your boyfriend at some point and then broke up with you? (why?). Were you then “friends” and did you have sex with him as a friend? Did he contact (text or call) you during that 45 day no contact period (after he wrote he missed you)?
I’m totally shocked your therapist would suggest contacting him if he knew about this:“I told him unless he wanted to be in a relationship with me that I did not want him to contact me anymore”. So now that you’ve gone back on your word, he is taking you for granted. He thinks he can have the pleasure of your company anytime he wants without any commitments.
For sure DON’T initiate a text or phone call. As to whether or not you should give him another ultimatum probably depends on the answers to the questions above and if you can live with the possibility of never being his exclusive girlfriend. And there is no way to know if you kept casually seeing him that it would turn into something more later on.
I understand your concerns and anxiety. Don’t give up hope yet…
We were dating around seven months, and he never said he loved me except for maybe once, but he would say things like “You were my world you were everything I thought of” and he used to tell me that we were exclusive without the label (thats some BS now isn’t it). We kind of stopped seeing each other because I was getting frustrated that he wouldn’t officially deem me as his girlfriend, he would tell me he thought we were working towards that and he just needed a little bit of time, he was getting over his ex. There was a time when we were together and I said, “So do you want to date me?” and he said, “Not right now” and I should’ve listened when he said that instead of us both furthering a relationship anyway (lesson learned). At a point in time, my last day of work with him, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was kind of caught of guard and shied away from it, my mistake. We had problems communicating with each other, I had done no contact before and when I had done it he used to text me every single day even without my response. And yes, we did have sex during this time. Reading what you said makes me really think and it kind of frustrates me that I would even do that to myself when I know I deserved better than that. During this last 45 day no contact, no, he didn’t. I told him not to contact me and I assumed he either respected that or didn’t care, by the time we did get in contact he told me he’s been thinking about me etc. and was flirting with me. And that is not okay with me, I don’t want to be his option, I don’t want to be his lover when he won’t commit to seeing only me. I’m really at a loss here, he is the first guy I ever fell in love with. If I need to give up, I will. I just wanted to give it one last ditch effort to see if anything could happen between us.
I realize reading that back it looks like I said I had sex with him during no contact and that’s incorrect; I meant as in when we were together for seven months we did have sex.
I wouldn’t think about anything in the past, what you said or anything else. You’ve done nothing wrong. The main issue is that you want some kind of commitment and he doesn’t want to commit to anything.
Do you see that changing? Nobody can answer that question but you. My hunch is it won’t change but that’s just a guess from reading what you wrote.