Not sure if this is the right spot.
Been dating this girl for six months. Everything was going great, very rarely argued, got along great and were very similar.
A little background story on her, she warned me that she gets in dessprive states, and January makes it worse (her father’s birthday and death day). Work has been stressing her a lot, along with planning a best friends wedding. I knew she hasn’t been feeling the best, but have been trying to lift her spirits.
Last week she came over the day before my birthday. In conversation asked if I wanted to take an RV trip this summer and said if I didn’t have plans the next day, she would cancel her dinner plans with her mother and take me out.
Saturday we went to a concert, everything was great, danced, had drinks, had sex and she slept over. Sunday we went out to brunch and said our goodbyes with a kiss and jokes like we usually do. Text with her for a bit during the super bowl. We both are the kind of people that we talk better in person than on the phone or text. There would be times we wouldn’t talk for a day or two and everything was fine.
Tuesday night she texts me this: I know I’m down and stressed and not practicing good “self care” and need to get my shit together but I’ve been an asshole lately without reason and i dont like it. I’ve been struggling about this and I thought I was ready to do the relationship thing but I’ve realized that i can’t manage the effort needed to create/maintain a good relationship right now which would be a shitty thing to do to you.
I called her a couple minutes after she sent that and we talked for a while on the phone. I told her the most important thing is for her to work on herself first and that it would be selfish for me to want a relationship with her right now if she feels that way and that maybe in a couple months it could be a possibility we could resume. She told me not to be a stranger and we can still talk and hang out. I said I would give her some space and not smother her, so she wouldn’t have any pressure and work on herself (she is seeing a doctor and will probably be put in meds.).
I am hurt, but wouldn’t say I’m a mess, just confused. Don’t know if the door is closed or if it’s open for later on down the road. I want to send her a check in text in a week, just asking how she’s feeling and that if she needs anything, I’m here, because it’s nothing that no one should go through alone.
I’m also just confused, because everything was normal until she ended it. Like why would she ask about the rv trip and be completely normal up until the end.
Sorry for the length. Really like this site.
Hey!
My ex boyfriend broke up with me for the same reason. I don’t know about you but I definitely saw a change in the relationship as his depression was getting more important. My ex acted the way yours did, came out for dinner with my parents a few days before breaking up, made plans etc. When I asked him why he did these things to end up breaking up with me he said he didn’t know he would. I honestly think they just don’t want to break up. They probably dwell on it for a long time but hope they won’t have to. Depression affects your feelings so badly they’re really confused, and can’t feel the way they used to.
As for if the door is closed, probably not. Coming back to my situation to compare, we stated when breaking up that the door wasn’t closed, that we’re just pushing it so we can both focus on ourselves. If you want her back, all I can advise is to let her think for a while, give yourself a month where you actually work on making yourself happy again, because she might not come back. I left my ex and he ended up texting me something really nice. We’re now talking again, very little by little. Take things slow, it’s a really difficult situation to be in, give her time to figure things out, she will think about you, just text her when you feel like you’re content whatever the outcome is.
@julise thanks for your insight. When it first happend, I was thinking of texting her this week to check in just to see how she was doing, then next week to hang. But after thinking about it, I think I am going to give it a month and check in and see how she is. I’m just worried that if I don’t that she might Think that I don’t care. I deeply do, I just want her to clear her mind and not add any stress to her life.
The past couple of days have been waves. One min I’m fine but then I’m left thinking if I even cross her mind.
@azimms I completely understand the feeling and I’ve been through the same thing over and over. It will come and go, get worst before it gets better etc. I used to think the same way, being scared he’d think I didn’t care, but the truth is, they gave up when we weren’t going to. And if that’s not enough, we stated we cared and were here for them. If you feel you haven’t said it clearly enough, maybe text her something without expecting a reply, something concise where you just state that you are going to give her space and time, but if she ever needs anything, you’re here for her, and you always will be. That’s what I did with my ex, we met up a week after breaking up, I told him I understood and accepted the break up, although it’s not what I wanted, and said I’m always here for him, his mental health is above us breaking up. Then take time off like you said, she knows you’re here, and she’ll know where to find you if she wished to.
@julise so I signed up on BetterHelp, because I’ve had issues in the past and wanted to talk to a therapist before I went off the rails myself. This doc told me I should send them a message saying how I feel about them and that I will fight for them but do it in a respectful way…
Sorta seems weird