Hi,
So I broke up with my ex girlfriend of 8 months about five weeks ago. At the end of the relationship it was really rough and both of us were in the wrong. The breakup was extremely bad, with an ultra heated yelling match, and it to the point that we threw away all remnants of each other (photos, gifts etc.), blocked each other on everything except phone numbers. Nasty nasty things were said. I left her and moved out.
I was always open to compromise and wanted to work through issues with communication and loving embrace, whilst she was more inclined to need space. I may have been somewhat smothering due to this, but it is how i resolve conflict. We both were insecure people with jealous tendencies. However, when she was jealous I would do everything within my power to try and help her feel special and appreciated, in order to resolve her insecure feelings. Whenever I got insecure or jealous she took it as a personal attack and became angry at me. (The double standards are realistically the root cause of why we split, but i never stopped loving her)
I went through no contact (at all) for about 5 weeks. Within the first three weeks I partied with my friends and slept with a couple of women through tinder. Didn’t date, but really wasn’t interested either as my feelings of love to the lady i parted with had not changed. None of this helped the way I felt. Each and every moment that should have been happy in this time I felt like I was sinking, Knotted in my tummy and manic with anxiety. For the past fortnight I have stopped smoking, started exercising and eating regularly, as my appearance (I believe I’m ugly) is much of what causes me insecurity. Ive identified the neediness, controlling behaviour and possibly not ambitious enough behaviour I display, which lost me respect and my masculine, protective edge on the relationship. I realised that a bit of space is needed in all relationships, and I wanna give it another crack now Ive identified and started working on my issues. (Obviously this takes time and is a work in progress, but I know I would give her the sufficient space she needs now and would work on my insecurities in my own time.)
She never contacted me, so I initiated contact and called her last Monday, I apologised and we spoke for an hour. I tried to keep it somewhat light, the (super personal) details around why the hurt happened from my behalf of leaving was addressed and she forgave me. I told her that I still loved her and she couldn’t deny that she still loved me, but wouldn’t say the words either. She said she wanted to be just friends. I told her Id like to catch up for a coffee and to see how she is going and she agreed to meet me the next day. We texted a bit and she told me she had to work at 6am the next day, so I suggested we meet up that night. She agreed. (Her texts weren’t extremely warm. like when we were together.) I should also mention that I saw her tinder profile as I was swiping during this time, but I don’t necessarily think that means she moved on as I slept with other people too, trying to heal.
We met up and I felt the biggest rush of relief come over my body. I got in the car and we started talking, we drove for a bit and stopped at a beach so she could have a cigarette. I got out the car and walked around her side and gave her a lengthy hug. We walked down to the beach but it was really cold. I put my arm around her and offered her my jumper. She kinda seemed uncomfortable and told me that we should go back to the car because it was too cold. Before we went up the stairs to the car she commented on my moustache and I told her to feel the stubble on my face and she did.
We got in the car and started driving down the coast towards a more populated area to grab coffee. As we were driving it was lots of laughs and light hearted conversation. She told me about some tough times and I wanted to support her so I put my hand on her shoulder as she drove. I then tried to hold her hand. She was apprehensive at first but then held my hand back. Throughout this she repeated to me that we were just friends, but she held my hand, the way she was toward me was somewhat romantic, standoffish a little.
We arrived near the coffee shop and walked hand in hand to the shop. As we were in the coffee shop I had my arm around her. She didn’t at all stop me and didn’t push me away. We got some food and coffee and sat outside, under a shelter, eating and talking. I was definitely still more affectionate than her, but I never wanted my intentions to be questioned. (I hope this wasn’t rude as she said that she just wanted friendship, but I can’t help but feel like she knew that I would be like this before coming, she seeming interested in the prospect of me.)
We walked toward another beach onto a pier, we joked and talked and cuddled, I kissed her on the head. As we nearly were back from the pier, I cuddled her and looked at her. I tried to kiss her, to which she puckered up to kiss me back and then at the last second pulls away. I play it cool even though I wanna kiss her so bad and it hurts, but I laugh it off. This took up about 3 hours. We still walk cuddling and hand in hand, back to her car. As we are driving back to my house we hold hands as she drives. She stops for petrol and we both get out the car, we walk inside the petrol station to pay and I point at something to show her and she rests her head on my chest to look. We get back in the car and still just talk lighthearted.
As we are nearly back at my house, I tell her to pull over so we can talk. We pull over and talk for a bit. She reminds me that I broke her heart and repeats it as if she is convincing herself to not be with me. She also kept phrasing that we were only friends, but her body language and gaze at me told me differently. I walk around the other side of the car to her side and ask her to cuddle me. She gets out and cuddles me. I try to kiss her but she pulls away. I ask for an Inuit kiss (Where you rub each others noses together) and she gives me one. I ask her for a kiss on the cheek and she says as long as I don’t turn my lips into it, so I agree and let her kiss me on the cheek. She still wasn’t keen for a kiss on the lips, but it was very flirty, we were still cuddling and I was definitely trying to initiate the affection relentlessly. I picked her up cuddling and she wraps her legs around me with my hands on her butt. I knew at this stage she was going to kiss me back now. I passionately kissed her with tongue for about five seconds. I think she may have initiated it ending. We talk a bit more and I try for some more kisses. She kisses me back and we hold hands.
Then we drive out and head to my house about a kilometre up the road. We pull over and talk some more and I have to work for some more kisses. I started whispering sweet nothings in her ear and start kissing her neck. We talk a little more but its late and she has an early start. As I get out the car she tells me she wants to tell me something. But then backs out. I tell her that she has planted the seed now and has to tell me. (I was hoping she was going to tell me that she loved me) She told me something kinda R rated about her at that moment, and told me she would tap me again one day. I ask when we can see each other next and she stops, thinks and says some time on the weekend. As she drives off she has her window down, she drives off really slow to make sure I go inside and says that she doesn’t want anyone kidnapping me.
I text her a joke and tell her to let me know that she got home safely. She texted back friendly and we joked for a bit. The next day, she texted me first thing in the morning. We exchange conversation via text throughout the course of the day but nothing of the frequency or bubbly kindness or lovingness of when we were together. I couldn’t tell whether we were flirting or not. As the day went on I said something like ‘When we kiss next it will be like this’, to which she replied, ‘just friends’. I then replied, ‘yeah, lets do it as homies’, she replies back, ‘Oh my god just stop’. I felt so sad and discouraged. I can only hope that the tone she texted it isn’t as serious as it reads there. I lightheartedly changed the subject without even acknowledging what she had just said.
We text for a couple of days but nothing super consistent or flirtatious. I did reciprocate the frequency of what she texted with slightly bigger paragraph bubbles, I guess as I was the one perpetuating the conversation. She would sometimes double text me back, but not often and she avoided as much emoji use which she used to use heaps for me. Then yesterday (Wednesday) I was texting her, it seemed infrequent and disinterested. Didn’t really question me much, and wasn’t hugely interested. I told her to call me to which she never did and never acknowledged why she didn’t. I got hugely anxious, so I went for a 2 hour walk at 10 at night. During this time she said she would call me, she just needed a shower. She never rang or explained herself, but texted me instead. I waited til I returned home to reply. This took some time. Im super conscious about replying immediately because I do not want to appear needy or desperate.
I texted her to ask her what time she started working tomorrow (which is now today). She said 6 am. I then ask if she wanted to catch up for coffee about tonight, to which she replies something along the lines of, ‘sure, or Friday.’ I say, yeah lets do Friday, which is tomorrow. I woke up this morning and she was somewhat friendly and even explained herself for falling asleep and apologised for not replying which, seeing as her texts are so infrequent currently seemed like a big deal to me as she would always apologise for taking ages to reply. (I don’t care about the frequency of the texts, Im just using them to gauge her interest levels in me). Her texts today were still infrequent and she did not really text me warm at all today. Not mean either but, she seemed disinterested. About an hour ago I text her telling her we would meet at 5-6 to which her reply was pretty cold just saying ‘can do’
to which I replied ‘keen’ and shared a picture of bart simpson.
Am I in good stead? I know she still cares, but is the attraction there? Do I need to build more trust? Am I friend zoned? Has she moved on and she doesn’t wanna hurt me? I love her and wanna build together and hopefully the feeling will be reciprocated. Im so scared this next date will be far more cold and I won’t get to touch her and hold her and kiss her. I am also hoping that as she suggested Friday, maybe we could spend the night together and become intimate again as that would not hurt and I couldn’t think of anything more amazing than that right now. I just wanna hear her tell me she loves me. I hope she does not cancel
If she does cancel, do I do no contact again? If she completely denies my affection during this date do I recommence no contact? I am so lost.