I was with my now ex for a year and two months. It came to an end the week leading up to Christmas. It’s been a painful journey, but one I know I can get through. One I still hope brings us back together.
I’m a bisexual man who was in my first relationship with another man. I not someone who is very open with my sexuality and I don’t have many friends in the LGBT community. So my ideal partner was someone who could come around me and my friends without them being able to figure out we’re more than friends. My ex fit that criteria. So for a year he got to know my best friends and family who came to know & love him as a friend. I wanted them to love him first so that when I was finally comfortable enough to tell them they couldn’t judge so hard. That’s where a lot of issues and distrust came in. I didn’t trust my friends not to judge me and in turn I started not to trust my boyfriend. Because we were posing as “just friends” my friends felt comfortable enough to negatively vent to him about me. After all they thought he was “just” my friend like they were “just” my friends. Except he wasn’t, we were in a committed (secret) relationship. Getting lost in the charade my ex would vent to them whenever we’d have typical relationship quarrels, but to my friends it was just me being an a$$h0le. And when me and my friends would have our own disagreements he would seemingly take their side. That made me not trust them together because it would all continue to get confused what’s a relationship issue vs a friendship issue. I knew that none of the stuff they said about me around him would’ve been said had they known we were together, but the secret lived on. To make matters worst, we had a weekly get together with my friends and every week it would reopen the wounds again. My ex and I’s relationship slowly ripping apart.
So three weeks ago, he ended it and the sad thing about it was I was planning to finally tell my friends. But it was to late…he broke up with me. I broke down and cried and immediately called my best friends to finally come clean. While waiting for them to come over my mom walked in on me crying and I ended up telling her too. And guess what?! The sky didn’t fall the ground didn’t cave in. I instantly felt so foolish for letting it get that far. After a week of back and forths amongst our friends with the truth finally revealed, my best friend staged a meeting with me and my ex. We got a lot off our chests and clarity. It was a beautiful moment and it felt new again. And at the end we agreed to be friends with the potential to get back together in the future.
Here’s where I went wrong! I should’ve initiated the “No Contact Period” at that moment. I was so happy to be back in contact with him that I agreed and we even had sex. BIG MISTAKE. It was amazing, but after it was hard to adjust to the fact that he currently wasn’t my boyfriend. He texted and called me the next day it was almosr like old times. But again he still wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. Last week, we went out shopping with my best friend, but it was so awkward. Here we were out and about like old times with friends (who now know), but not in a relationship. I found myself obsessing over him and the fact that I couldn’t hold his hand, kiss him or say “I love you” like I wanted it. He even made a couple cynical jokes that I’m sure were just in jest, but they hit too close to home. I was a sensitive nervou
That relationship needed to end, but I feel deep in my heart that we deserve a second chance the right way. There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy…secrecy is deadly!
@towantnotneed - First of all, what kind of so called friends negatively vent about you for any reason? I don’t understand the part where you say you didn’t trust your boyfriend. Why and for what? Instead of his venting to these so called friends about the quarrels you had, he should have vented to you so the two of you could work through them. It seems there was way too much drama going on between the two of you and these friends! Actually, it probably wouldn’t have mattered much if they had known you were in a relationship with the guy or not. They seemed to revel in the drama. You might think about dropping these people and getting nicer friends. Although I must say it was nice of your best friend to stage a meeting between you and your ex. I’m glad your mom was accepting:) Yeah, having sex with him was probably a mistake because it left you feeling confused, hurt, and now the feeling of awkwardness hit. A good rule of thumb, don’t have sex with anyone unless you’re in a loving exclusive relationship! I don’t know what the cynical jokes were about, but it doesn’t sound good. If you can be a good friend to your ex without hoping to get back together quickly, it might turn out better because, after all, you agreed to be friends with the potential of getting together in the future…
I understand your anxiety and desires, but you have to take things very slowly and build up trust and romantic feelings again and that takes time.
Wishing you luck:)
@patricia12 Thanks your for your feedback I think you said some very poignant things.
As far as my friends are, one is my cousin and the other is my best friends. They’ve become very close over the years since I’ve introduced them. For the most part we have all (including myself) vented about one another when issues arise. Over time it has gotten very much out of hand. We don’t realize that regardless of if one of us has a problem with each other that taking it to another friend only transfers that negative energy. That’s where distrust comes in.
Where my distrust for my boyfriend came was when I would have arguments with my friends instead of playing nuetral or trying to calm the situation he would chime in with them. We had our own issues as does anyone in a relationship. But somewhere his anger with me would get mixed with my friends anger for me. A lot of which was misconstrued because they would think I was being a jerk for no reason to him when it was really a lovers quarrel. So when he would vent to them he was secretly venting about different reasons. They did acknowledge his fault which I greatly appreciated, but I feel they still have to own theirs too. I’m doing a no contact with them as well and I will address this should I choose to continue my relationship with them.
As for the joke, it was regarding my mom being rude and his mom not being rude. Something I think played a part in the break up too because while my mom didn’t “know” about us she still “knew”. She wasn’t always the warmest to him and after she saw how heartbroken I was that night she’s been more open. So the joke made me feel like he was still harboring old feelings. And I was too scared to express how it hurt because I didn’t want to it to come off confrontational.
I really want to rebuild and form a strong friendship with my ex because we really do have a special bond I think can be rekindled in due time.
@towantnotneed - He might be harboring resentments against your mom. It was cruel to make remarks about her that hurt you. You need to feel free enough with a friend or lover to express yourself fully in a kind way and the other person should be understanding of your feelings. This topic should be brought up sometime when you are alone with him so you don’t start to harbor resentments or fears of talking other things out with him. Little talks now and then are good for both of you and shouldn’t be taken as confrontational. It’s just clearing the air and being honest with each other. Good communication is the key to a happy relationship:)