Well they say patience is a virtue; ) Though not mine personally. lol. What about thinking that it actually is a good thing is he does not contact you during nc. Because that would mean he is not taking time to deal with his stuff. And to be honest if he contacts you during then you would just slide back to the old thing because this is very short time at the end of the day, right now it feels very long for you but in reality it is very short time and you need to take time to just focus on you. And in the first couple of weeks of nc you dont that enough cos hurt, sadness, missing etc is too close the to break up so it is not a bad thing. And if he does then you need to thing seriously what you will do because just getting back together like that would be mistake and would not work but before you go there or even will he contact you? more realistic way of thinking is how will I be best me regardless what he does (contact or no contact), how can I make sure I am confident in my own skin and how do I continue working with the my issues to be stronger person and knowing my own value as great person. being with him does not define you as person nor does it define can you be happy. You can in time be happy without him too. I mean if you think about your relationship honestly how much of the time did you spend agonizing what he is thinking, doing or will he leave you or having blow out? And how many of the times you were together were you just happy and carefree. Like dragongirl said sometimes love is not enough if the other pieces do not fit and since neither of you were in right frame of mind it does not matter how much passion and love there is because those other issues will separate you if you dont work on them constantly and that means no threats, no constant pointing out the other persons mistakes and accepting the other as they are i.e the fact that you need lots of hugs and comforting and that he does not like to share his worries or talk about when something bothers him. If you go into relationship with someone and after the initial loved up period people start going I want him to do this or I want her to do that, it is not going to work very well. We all have sides that annoy other person or we do things that annoy each other but you have to learn to accept those differences and if they are not the kind you can accept then you are not going to work out on the long rung. So ask yourself what are the things you need from your partner. Not from this man you love but in general what are your needs? What are you willing to compromise on and what boundaries cannot be broken? And once you decide what are those things, then think what your ex is like and how well does he fir into that keeping in mind that you cannot control nor change the other person. You can only change you. This is just and idea for you, different way to think but keep in mind what I write here is to support you, but I am no guru of answers so all I am giving you is my opinion : ). And now I am off to bed, I hope your day tomorrow is better and you feel more positive because you deserve that, you are nice person to talk to and very open minded to others thoughts.
Hey Brokenhearted,
You asked how to control irrational jealousy. You take control of your mind by asking yourself if your jealous thoughts are based on real proof or is it your overactive imagination. Write your feelings down about anything that is making you jealous because it may help you sort them out along with seeing things objectively. Jealousy is a monstrous emotion and it can take over. Once jealous thoughts pop up, they seem to feed off of one another in a vicious cycle making the feelings of insecurity and jealousy even worse. Replace jealous thoughts with positive thoughts. Or you can distract yourself such as listening to music. Trying to control him and doing social media visual interrogations to see what he’s up to then and now aren’t helping you at all because your fear just grows. Once you become irrationally jealous/insecure, you begin to see all of his actions through a distorted lens of jealousy instead of reality. Even though you probably worried an excessive amount during the relationship, the hard reality is that if a guy wants to cheat when he’s in a relationship, he’s going to cheat. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him. When jealous feelings spiral out of control, you can easily sabotage your relationship. Every accusation you threw at him either in e-mail/text/in person slowly was annihilating the fragile foundation of your relationship. You just didn’t see it at the time. But see you are a wiser woman now!! All this information we are giving you is going to help you become a totally awesome girlfriend. So the suffering that you are feeling is not in vain. It is necessary and crucial to your well-being and the well-being of your future relationships.
I think you placed your needs/wants/wishes/desires ahead of his. And he got sick of this as well. I want you to read about how guys think. It’s not at all like we do. You have to understand that he has free will. He had it when you were in a relationship and he has it now. Finntoga was exactly right-The things he does now and with whom are no longer your primary concerns. I know that’s hard to hear. You have to let go of him for now. This is why we say it’s so important to focus on you.
Haha @finntoga that’s true 
I sometimes joke and say “Patience is a virtue…that I don’t have”… whoops. I know I can work on it though. And yeah you have a good point. I don’t want him to go through all of Nc without saying anything but I would like him to say something in a couple weeks after he has cooled off a little… And I hope he takes time to deal with his stuff too as opposed to blaming it all on me because we are equal to blame in this situation…as much as I would like to say it is all his fault I know it is both of our faults.
You’re right. my relationship with him does not define him or my happiness…that was another issue I had… I became too reliant on him for those things which was not fair to him or to me!
Whenever we were in person it was great! We have so much chemistry and get along so well… however,the text things and misinterpretations and insecurity is what caused the misery 
and yeah that is a good point for us…we both needed to accept the other. He would try to give me tough love wanting me to be “strong” and not complain about things and be tough about it…but he did not realize that while he was trying to help, that was not helpful to me. The things I need from my partner are love, support, comfort, someone to listen, not solve my problems (he thought I wanted him to solve them but I never did! I just wanted him to listen)I definitely need to keep thinking on your questions though, because they will be helpful to me. I know I can only change myself and I wanted him to change first to show me he cared then I would stop blowing up -____- and I think he thought the same thing that he wanted me to stop blowing up first before he stopped shutting down…both of us being selfish and getting nowhere! Thank you for your kind words! You are a nice person to talk to as well 
Thank you so much for the advice. I really struggle with this…especially when I know some other girl likes him I get freaked out. He never cheated on me or anything nor did he flirt back with the girls but I had such a low opinion of myself that I thought he would find someone better, prettier, funnier than me. One time I was talking to him about how I thought some girl was prettier than me (she liked him) and he was like “no one” and kept saying how he thought I was the most beautiful 
Now I don’t know what he thinks. I really need to learn how to control myself though, because my insecurity and my imagination make up scenarios that are not even true! And yeah me being hypervigilant bothered both of us…I think he may have been hurt by it but not sure. I never accused him of cheating because I knew that he never did…I just would express so much jealousy and disdain towards any girl that seemed to like him …I guess that may be bad too?
Yeah I think we both placed our wants/desires/wishes ahead of the others…well he may not have for a few months and then he did. And I don’t really understand how guys think. Haha my brother is 22 and told me that his email could easily be a masking of his emotions trying to act OK and then the crap hit the fan after…
Ugh I’m missing him a lot now this sucks terribly I’m so tempted to reach out and I know the first week is the hardest I even wanted to like something on his work page so we would go to my fb and look -.- and instead I deactivated my fb
Feeling super down and anxious again now knowing what he wants and if he just will forget me and move on forever -.- ughhh
De-activating your FB is smart move and you need to stop checking his workplace site no matter how much you want it. It just does not do anything good for you. Right now what he wants or does or who he sees does not matter, you are the priority. If he moves on his loss not yours. It would only mean he missed out on great person or there is someone better match for you out there waiting to be discovered when you are personally in better place. I know it is tough and you miss him but remember when that thought of what he wants or what if he moves on comes to your head, work on changing it to something else or listening to music and doing something productive. Chin up you can and will get through this just fine : ).
Thanks for you kind words
I’m really trying and I feel like I’m so stuck I know it’s best to stay off Facebook and not look at his schools site either. And yeah he can do whatever he wants but I hope he doesn’t do something I don’t like…and honestly I don’t think he will I just am very anxious and irrational sometimes.
I also keep thinking that I haven’t seen him on Instagram at all (we aren’t friends he has me blocked but I can still see a couple things) and then I wonder about his phone!!! Like if he had not broken up w me on Friday when I emailed would he have just said NOTHING at all and assumed I should be ok w waiting and trusting him til his phone came back on???! Like we were still together and how he acted also makes me angry! and I wanna know if he had not broken up if I would know where he’s at by now or not ughhh
Now I’m freaking out and anxious bc someone said nc doesn’t work
Of course there is no guarantees for anyone, sometimes the other person is simply done with the relationship. This site is only to give you the steps that might get your ex back in order to avoid some of the cliche mistakes but like anything in live there is no promise that you will get him back. It is just taking the time to work on you and give the other person space to clear their minds and think of what they want do they miss the other person enough to want the relationship again and so on. And you know this deep down and i get that you feel anxious because you are hurt, at moments angry and you miss him but for you try the hardest you can to distract yourself from those thoughts.
In your situation one of the issues was the bombarding and over contact at times when you got anxious am I right? Do you honestly think that contacting him now would get you anywhere positive? It really needs to be his move at the moment if there is contact and you need the time for yourself to work on those negative patterns that your behavior causes. I do know it is hard but you are doing so well : ).
Hi @finntoga
Thanks for saying that. I really currently feel consumed w anxiety and the unknown and keep wondering what would have happened had I not emailed him! Would he still have said nothing and I would be wondering where the heck my boyfriend was?
I also am anxious bc I don’t see him on any social media except his schools fb page promoting stuff and I so much want to like something so he will see me but instead I deactivated face book even though I am so tempted. I just know him and I can’t believe or accept that he would just break up with me via email and never say anything again like knowing him and our history it confuses me a lot and makes it really hard for me to accept it as being over even though right now it is over and I still have that thing In my mind wondering what will happen and where is he and will he have the same phone number and stuff like that. Someone has looked at my LinkedIn anonymously and I keep wondering is that him I feel so broken right now like he is the love of my life and also you are right. Me bombarding him w texts was the reason he ended it bc I would go crazy and I know it’s best for me to say nothing for now I’m just concerned he will move on or worse that he was so sure of his decision and really had thought it over that he will never be with me again … Of course I don’t know the answer to that but it’s hard not to drive my mind In Circles!
Well you both did wrong things so please dont blame yourself, you know what you did to contribute to current situation and that is the part you can work on. But it was a jerk thing from him not to let you know about his phone and being out of reach because he knows things like that does worry you and make you anxious so it does feel bit like both of you know what is the thing that presses negatively the other persons button and you still do it bit like chain reaction. All the things you feel are normal at this stage it is early days of nc so the best you can do is just keep trying to work on those negative thoughts and little by little it will change and you will have better moments too. Just keep writing here or that diary to make sure you have an outlet for the negative feelings like what you are feeling now. You are doing good with staying out of fb page etc so feel good about that and when you feel those negative feelings about will he move on or is it over for good remember nothing is set in stone yet, future is open and full of possibilities and if you keep open mind you dont know what wonderful things are there ahead so try when those really bad thoughts come to focus on that. What you are feeling now is only this moment tomorrow is different day and can bring something else like a moment when you laugh or feel better for five minutes when you dont think about him.
Hi @finntoga
Yeah that’s a good point we definitely did things to push each other’s buttons… I’m not sure why, really. I like don’t know how he could expect me to be okay with him saying nothing for 11 days and not knowing how long his phone was out for. And I could hear him saying I should trust him… I think he hurt that I didnt completely BUT I also cannot trust blindly especially because of my issues…
I just am really angry right now I want t know what the reality is and what he was actually thinking and I know going around in circles is not helpful to me… I just hate not know I want to know if he loves me bc when he did that via email I thought I was worth nothing to him and that I was just a piece of crap In his eyes and yeah that’s how I felt and I don’t know if he realizes how hurtful that is. Last time we broke up he did it via text and I felt the same way and I was annoyed when he ended up only wanting a break. If I do get him back I need to know how to set boundaries and make sure he understands that that is unacceptable…
I just am struggling today bc I am the type of person that likes answers right here and right now and knowing that I feel so unloved and unworthy and unwanted due to him just ignoring me and me wondering how long that would have continued for. Sorry I’m ranting IM just hurt and I still want to work it out bc we were good when we were healthy I want to change the dynamic and make him chase me …
Ugh I almost liked something on that school fb just so he would look at my page… I didn’t butbi accidentally liked some random girls review of the school and then unliked it and deactivated again lol so I didn’t break no contact but I so want to like a post the school makes… Is that breaking nc?
I didn’t break nc did I? I liked some review by accident but that wouldn’t give a notification to the school page…: it we oils notify the girl that posted it and it was an accident see now I am freaking out -.- I know I didn’t like anything the school posted or nothing someone commented on a status even tho I was tempted. I just accidentally liked some random review I don’t think it counts bc it went to some random girl like student probably lol and then I unliked immediately bcc it was a mistake and then I got off fb and deactivated again . I know my ex didn’t get a notification but I am flipping out thinking I screwed up my nc??? Even tho I know I didnt I just need some support super crazy anxious today
I asked my roommate and she put it nicely “Well, I guess the best way to put it is that, while it doesn’t break the no contact rule, it wasn’t a healthy behavior and shouldn’t be repeated, and that’s why you’re having the feeling like you broke the rule.”
I’m also sad and upset and hurt it has been 5 days of nc and he broke up last Friday so 7 days ago (both including today) and he hasn’t said anything
Yeah I’m not doing well today… I just said all this to my roomie …
I want himmmmmmmm I like love him. I do. I love him so much and that’s why I was so clingy and I am super freaking ticked at him and angry
but it still fuels how much I want him
and that fact pisses me off
I seriously love him. I thought he loved me. Does he not love me? Does he not?? If he really loves me he couldn’t just let me go . …he would come back… he would believe in us
he would want us to work on ourselves bc he knows i’m in treatment
he had said stuff about me handling issues alone so maybe just maybe
even t hough speculating doesnt help
UGH I HATE THIS. I DONT LIKE BEING SINGLE
maybe i can rebound so i can hurt him before he hurts me
That’s a horrible idea
I don’t even think he will rebound
I just want my baby back
And correction, I don’t like being single BECAUSE it means I am not with my babe
Roomie
I mean, you’re single at the moment and you just have to accept that for now, and use this time for yourself, and everything really will be ok, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment
Me
but will he take me back
will we be able to get back together and work it out.
Roomie
Nobody knows
Me
he’s the only one i want. I want us to work it out. I can’t give up hope. Our only issue wasa the text stuff… that’s it and it became big but pleaseeeee
Does he know though?
Roomie
No
Nobody knows
Me
how does he not!?
Roomie
You don’t either
Me
Ugh. i keep looking up ways to prepare myself to work on myself to work on getting him back
but I was the one who was broken up with…meaning less control
He is the one who did the breaking up. I love him I want us to work. So if he knows what he wants… like how would he not know if he wanted us to work it out or not
AND THAT WHOLE FRIEND THING FREAKING PISSES ME OFF.
Roomie
You need to work on other stuff, not things that will lead to getting him back…like eating disorder and anxiety and such…
Me
Like he said that before in the summer when he said he didn’t want to be with me (remember he said that before) and he really did want to be with me…
yeah that’s true… but it sucks
Roomie
Like stuff for you
Me
I was able to convince him before
well not convince him
and he got back w me
so why cant i repeat that?
Roomie
Think about friend 1 and friend 2 (our friends that broke up and the guy was needy after)
Me
Yeah but if you don’t do it, nobody else will
Me
but like keep talking to him
he has done this before like via text… I mean he didn’t do that stupid fake apology in the texts but still
yeah but they’re different they didn’t have a cycle
and it’s worked before… me reaching out and getting him back!!!
My roomie got back and she said the fighting and the me apologizing and getting back together is a step of the cycle… I just know I could get him if I wanted AND I know I want him in a healthy way.
Ugh I wanna text him so badly or email or whatever. I know last summer when he was angry and said he no longer wanted to be with me I was able to get him back by continuing contact!!!