Dear all/Kevin,
I am hoping someone can help me. I am 26 years old and live in London Uk, my is is now turning 30 on May 10th this month.
So, I have a gambling addiction, I had done gambled twice before whilst with my ex and both times she forgave me, the second time she said she will leave me if i ever did it again. So we had plans to move out and buy a house together at the end of this year 2016. This was the time we worked out that I would have finished paying off all my gambling debts, then we would have put her deposit towards the mortgage. It came to the end of November 2015 and I felt under pressure from several people to propose to my girlfriend and i just wanted to pay off my debts quicker so I started gambling again ! I gambled in secret right up until March 9th, this year until i told my parents and my ex that day. Everyone was completely devastated understandably and I had now taken my debt up to £17,000 which would take me 2 years to pay off from now.
So my ex stayed with me for a couple of weeks then, she decided we needed a break. After two weeks of the break I convinced her that we should get back together, this was a Friday night. Saturday came she went to a mortgage advisor with her mum but told them she was single as she thought she couldnt get a mortgage out with me due to my bad finances, she left seeing the mortgage advisor very unhappy as she couldn’t get nowhere near the amount she was looking for to buy a property. So then Sunday came and unfortunately she had changed her mind and broke up with me.
The Friday after 5 days later, I text her telling her what I have been doing, paid off £1000 towards my debt instead of £825 I had initially worked out with her, I also have given my debit and credit card to my mum to resist the urge to gamble and was on the waiting list for gambling counselling. She said this sounds good but she wasn’t changing her mind and still felt the same way. So I let her be for a couple of weeks.
So it came to last Saturday 30th, my plan was to cycle up to her house give her a letter I had written then hopefully go for coffee. So, I cycled for 3 and half hours(15miles) from one side of London to the other to her house and arrived at 10.30am, her car wasn’t there so I called her and she was on her way to go shopping.
She was very angry and annoyed and told me to go home explaining that she had already asked for no contact so why did I come there, I said i just came to give you a letter which I had written(2 pages of A4). But she refused to see me so I went home and posted the letter through her door. In the letter I mentioned things which I have been doing to make positive changes for myself, e.g waking up earlier, applying for better jobs and getting interviews.
Later that evening she text me saying : "Hey! I have read your letter and it sounds like your head is in a really good place an your doing amazing stuff. I’m so happy for you getting a good interview but it still hasn’t changed my mind. My head is in a good place now aswell and I feel really strong about my decision moving forward by myself and no one and I mean no one has had any influence on my decision. Maybe I should call you to explain ? "
So she called me to explain and I asked her again for the reasons she had broken up with me, she said : "she has forgiven me for gambling and understands why I did it but, she said she is not in love with me anymore, she doesn’t picture a life with me anymore, she doesn’t see a future with me, lost trust and respect also " There wasn’t much I could say, I reiterated how I am changing and that I wanted another chance but she wasn’t having any of it. So I asked her are we never going to get back together and she said “I can’t predict the future, maybe in 6 months or a year i don’t know, but I know what your like don’t count down the days for 6 months then contact me.”
So we agreed that we wouldn’t have any more contact.
Next day, Sunday May 24th came i was looking through all our pictures that we had together then I found this picture she had sent me a week before I told everyone about gambling again. It said “I can’t lose you, because if I ever did, I’d have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.” Then she wrote this is me and you next to it. So I basically sent this to her and gave it one last try, I said if you feel this one and truly love me don’t give up on us. Her reply was :
“You didn’t listen to a word I said last night did you! Do you not realise the more you message me things like this the more I know I have made the right decision. People change and feelings change so what I sent you in March doesn’t mean I feel that way now. You need to let me go and focus on yourself, I don’t know how many ways I can say that to you. Love is not enough sometimes, so please no more messages and phone calls otherwise I will have to block you.” I replied : “ok so you dont love me anymore ?” She replied : “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” So I said : Ok I will leave you now, no more messages and calls from me. Her reply " Thank you bye xx" Me : Bye x
So that was last Sunday April 24th and I have managed not to contact her again.
We were together for just under 4 years, would have been 4 years in July, we got on amazingly, she got on so well with my family especially my sister and I got on very well with her family too. She was 26 when she met me and I was 22 and she didn’t have any serious boyfriends before me.
We had booked a holiday which she paid for, for us two to go on this week from May 5th until May 16th to be there in Gran Canaria for her 30th birthday but she is now going with her best friend who is single. I also have an interview at her hospital where she works this thursday 5th, she told me when we were on a break to stop applying there but if I get offered the job I may have to take it for my career.
I was thinking today to maybe contact on of her girl cousins who I really got on with before an ask her for advice and ask her not to tell my ex that may work ? Also am I meant to message her on her birthday when she is on holiday or no t??
I don’t know what to do, she meant everything to me, we have so many memories together and had planned our lives together, I still believe after 6 weeks of not seeing her now that she is the one and we should be together despite her saying no time and time again.
Am I meant to leave it 6 months before contacting her again, is that really going to work after not having contact with someone at all after 6 months. Then if I do that it will either be one of three things she will say she still doesn’t trust me and we will never get back together again or she will say she has got someone else or she may say wants to give us another go.
Another thing which is a small possibility is that she may contact me after her holiday asking to meet up, but I doubt this.
If someone could please help me get the love of my life back I would really appreciate any advice as I don’t think not contacting her for 6 months will work ??
Thank you very much
Dominic Thamby