Alright, sorry if this turns out to be lengthy but I am really hurting at the moment and it makes it very easy to convey my feelings if I give correct details. Anyways, let me begin. I am 18 and she is 19. We got together in highschool and were together for almost 3 1/2 years. She immediately got accepted into college whereas I squandered the time in my life and I didn't get into college because I slacked. I had a job but it made me stressed and depressed. The first year in our relationship was great (like many relationships). But at around the middle of the second year my life seemed so dead end and I was struggling.
I still loved her so much but I just had a lot of trouble getting myself fixed because each time I got denied from College it drove my motivation downward. I was heavily addicted to video games at the time too. Anyways, I began neglecting her and being a bad lover in general. Snapping easily and such. I never cheated and we still loved eachother clearly but I just wasn't being a good person let alone boyfriend. Anyhow, that continued until February of this year, I didn't make much change and she was falling out of love with me, I clearly didn't realize that until things exploded. I couldn't afford a valentines day gift so I gave her like.. Super small candies with the attempt to explain that I was really broke at the time due to paying a lot of bills.
She is hurt, but accepted it. I think I was more upset than she was about the present. I was hurting her and I hated it. So, fast forward a little bit, my grandmother is hospitalized on the night that I am meant to go see my girlfriend and I told her I was going to see her. Though, my lift never showed up and it was already 8pm. So I just... Let it be and didn't say anything. Then eventually it came out that I never went to the hospital to visit and my girlfriend snapped and that was where everything spiraled.
So, she told me that she wanted space and that it was best that she focused on her school while I focused on making myself a better person. We were not broken up at this point, I shouldn't have taken it the way I did but I took it the wrong way and I began to get anxiety. I never have been anxious to this degree in my life so it was hard. We go on talking over text messages, no visits for about 3 weeks. Now, it's important for me to tell you guys that our friends are all mutual. So, on a Friday night we go out bowling, and it was supposed to be just my friends because when I invited my girlfriend, she said she had to do homework. Unexpectedly she shows up and it's a little awkward, obviously. I try to lighten the mood by joking around with her but she is un-responsive all night. Treating me like a stranger, of course. We're bowling at this point and we're drinking a bit. One of my guy friends gets flirtatious when he drinks and he gets a little close to my girlfriend, at least to my perspective. It pissed me off because she wasn't stopping any of it. It's likely she didn't even know. Now, I went to speak to her later in the night, trying to get her to go on a date with me one night or something. She gets upset, saying to leave her be and respect her wishes. I was drinking a bit too much and my judgement was heavily improper. Out of anger I say something like "Well if you can't have me at my worst, you can't have me at my best, so we should stop now". I get up and walk off, clearly heated. This was in front of our friends, they didn't hear me say anything but she cried. She then runs to the bathroom and I ask one of my guy friends to take me home.
At this point I'm obviously regretting everything that just happened so when I get home, I start going crazy, having an anxiety attack. I call her continuously and text her like mad. I only stopped once her friend answered the phone to calm me. I explained that I didn't mean we broke up, I was just really hurt. Her friend says my girlfriend will call me in the morning. I went to bed and woke up all early, calling her because I couldn't wait. I call until she answers and we talk things out, still agreeing to the time off. It was sorted out.
Okay, so at this point we're not talking on the phone, and I'm not seeing her in real life. We're texting, casually. Another night, I get anxious and I bomb her texts again for some silly reason. She says she doesn't know if she can do this and I talk her out of her decision to leave by explaining that this is me coping with all of this, I told her that I was anxious and I am just needing someone to talk to. She was my best friend so it was obviously her that I would go to.
About 1 night later, I get hit with anxiety again and she tells me that this is my last chance. About another night later, I text her asking her that if she is seeing someone else, let me know because it would only be fair. And after that we argue and she says she can't do this anymore. We are OFFICIALLY broken up. I go crazy, crying in private etc.. I then start falling into the category of desperate. I am messaging her a lot and I am still allowed to speak to her but only casually. Whenever I would bring us up she would get upset with me and tell me to suck it up. Eventually, I get sick of it and I start talking to her like my girlfriend. Anyhow, she blocks me on snapchat, my phone calls, my texts, unfriends me on facebook. I try no contact. And this is going well for about a week, but for some reason I felt like I was losing her more than I would have lost her if I was to bug her. So I like her pictures, thinking that if I keep the good times in her head she will be thinking that maybe there is more to come. All of this in the meantime, I am improving my life for the better. I quit gaming and I have been improving slowly, but my anxiety was still strong.
Fast forward about 2 weeks of this facebook photo liking, and I am feeling like I need to do a romantic gesture to win her back. Little do I know, she's talking to someone else that she met. (My assumption is to fill the void of our happy times). Anyway, I spend 600$ on a bracelet and flowers for her, prepping to bring them to her house. The night of she messages my mom, saying something like.. "I am messaging you to let you know that I am going to be moving on from Dustyn, I don't have plans of getting back together with him, I hope nothing terrible comes of this and I will be around to bring his stuff later this week". My mother lets me know and tells her that she needs to talk to me about it because it's unfair etc.. Just playing the innocent mom type.
Now, I’m clearly crushed but I don’t do much about it. Then, the next 2 days I decide she wont be stopping by this week because I know exactly how she feels. She is afraid I explode, or that she gets emotional or that she falls for me again. I know that I need to make the contact with her. I pack all of her stuff up, write a note on the back of the picture frame of us that says something cheesy and I go over there. So, I know that I need to play it cool, so I do. I convince her to come outside for a talk, after returning her stuff. I tell her that I understand why everything happened. I tell her that I get why she was afraid, and that I absolutely take responsibility for the breakup. I tell her that I am working on me and thank her for the push that I needed to make myself a better man. I talk to her, trying to explain that if she is seeing anyone (I already know she is so I am trying to get her to say it), don’t let your boundaries down to fill a void. She obviously cries and cries harder when I hug her. I tell her that I am so sorry for how messy this got and I am so sorry for how I treated her. I told her I love her and want nothing but her happiness, I insisted we be friends and she agreed. I say maybe someday in the future our emotions will align again. She says something like… Maybe but I don’t want to be with you anymore in this moment. She tells me that I can’t get my hopes up and if she moves on I have to respect it. Which I agree to.
So, that’s the end of my story and I have initiated no contact for at least 30 days, praying to god that she wont get with that rebound guy. I understand I have done a lot wrong and a lot to hurt my chances of EVER getting her back but I would really like some advice from you guys. Please don’t be too harsh, because I understand entirely that I screwed up and I am already hurting as it is. I have been doing things for me, my schooling is improving, getting a car, getting a new job etc… I know that I have to show her that I am becoming a better person, and I texted her friend saying that I hope we can still be friends despite the breakup etc… I just want to know if you guys have any advice for me? Do you think that it is a lost cause because of how much I messed up? Any hope? We were eachothers first, thanks guys I really appreciate all the help I get.
