Ex's Behavior Post Contact and Decision of NC

Breakup Help reconciliation
1

I’ve written in other topics but I want to get an opinion on whether or not to continue with NC in post-re/contact & ex’s new relationship. I actually want to do the NC but still another opinion would be nice.

Here is a recap: (I actually lol’d while writing this)

September 13: Breakup
September 23: Text regarding GSI, no answer
October 3: Bliss reminder, no answer but rant on social media for blocking
October 18: Bliss reminder, answer with a threat to block
October 19: Last contact, pleading action by me with a grand gesture, ex takes the bait but no answer
— 85 days of absolute no contact—
Jan 1: Short happy new year text, no answer (none was expected in text)
Jan 4: Sent her an e-mail to clear a misunderstanding regarding another issue
Jan 5: First contact by her, she says there is no misunderstanding by her side and assures me everything is ok. And we have 2 hour long fun chat texting, and basically catching up but there are a lot of bliss reminders by both sides.
Jan 6: She calls by phone, 20 min talk. Again full of bliss reminders.
Jan 8: Text her, she is cold and trying to show off her happiness
Jan 11: Text her, she ignores
Jan 13: At night 1:30am, 6 text back to back basically to wake me up. I answer, and she says she’s so sad and feel pathetic and useless eventhough she’d been happy before. Says she just wants to talk to someone. I encourage her to talk on the phone, she says goodnight.
Jan 14: Creates an instagram account sometime between, messages me 8 in a row in morning, saying she is super happy that everybody in world likes her pictures (she did put every single following tag lol) and shares her id so that I can add her.
Jan 15: I added her on instagram, she is cold and didn’t follow me back lol
Jan 18: Sent her a text, she said she’s meeting a friend (that’s it)
Jan 18: Her new relationship D-day
Jan 21: Creates a facebook account, and first post is “In relationship” with pictures
Jan 23: Ask her a question regarding her GSI, she ignores

So here is some additional background info:
Ever since November 23 to Jan 5, the time when she contacted me again, she had withdrawn herself from social media. Absolutely zero information. No pictures, nothing. And since Jan 5 (the day of re-contact), she’s been hella active, changing her picture at least once a day, writing ‘happy’ one day ‘sad’ the next, on Jan 17 she puts a comment saying she wants to go to place A, where we were supposed to go pre-breakup for vacation but never happened. Fast forward to Jan 26 morning, she puts a comment saying she wants to be with his new guy for at least 1000 days. She put a picture of strong bliss reminder on instagram when she created the account, where there was those energy bars she made by herself for me which I really liked. With tag ‘No boyfriend to share now’… She still has that picture on social media. In other pictures also, she constantly referred having no boyfriend prior to her new relationship. And last thing, this girl leave putting her private life on all over social media, she didn’t even announce she was in a relationship before to her parents for the fear they may think it will hinder her job seeking. (She is still unemployed)

Now, you may ask me. Do you still want this girl back? No. I don’t want to because she hasn’t learned a damn thing since our relationship. Full of those red flags. But I want to continue to learn out of this relationship so that I can make better decisions from now on especially when I thought she was the one. (Shows how much blinded I was) That is why NC or no NC is important. But her behavior towards me doesn’t deserve my attention.

2

It seems like you were an emotional crutch. She contacted you during her low points, and she was distant when she had someone or something else boosting her happiness level. I might go as far to say that she might have been talking to this guy for awhile and may not have been getting the wanted feedback from him, so she went to you for some attention aka ego boost.

My advice is: DO NOT REACH OUT TO HER FOR A LONG TIME. The amount of NC is up to you.
I do have to say congrats on getting from deaths door to…well, just out of deaths door. lol

She seriously didn’t even follow you back after she spammed you and gave you her username?

An after thought is that she could be trying to make you jealous. For what reason, it isn’t clear. Did anything happen while you two were talking on the phone? Did you reach out more than she did? Did you push a little too hard with the bliss reminders, maybe? I’m just trying to get a better feel for what went on. She either used you as a crutch, or something pushed her back and she sought out someone else.

3

Another thing to consider…

you’d know better than me…

Do you think she expected you to ask her out already or push for something more than texts and phone convos? This is the analytical me kicking in. Sorry for the questions. lol

4

I already have a theory but I can’t confirm it. But I’ll share.

I think her new relationship is a sort of rebound. Of course she doesn’t think like that and she’s still in Bliss…

As for your question, I’ll give more detail on initial exchanges. She said she was sick, had panic attacks and allergy due to stress at the time between breakup and re-contact. I said I’m sorry to hear that, and gave my utmost attention to see if she is ok. She said she is fine now. She told me she’s planning on moving to US or Germany for the job and she has some offers. I congratulated her on that, and wished her best outcome she desires. When she asked me how I was doing, I was 100% honest. I was hella busy, and since I was studying in master and doing company projects all my time was invested on that. She asked me how my language A (her native) is improving and jokingly said I probably stopped ever since seperation. I said no, I studied every day 4 hours and can have proper conversation now. She said she stopped studying English but I told her, no she was doing just fine, even better now. So outside of those things there were bliss moments by both sides in texting. I’d say 70% her, 30% me.

When we talked on the phone the next day, she asked me I should also be getting ready soon for job applications (the plan was I’d apply for job after master when we were dating) and I said that plan had changed. I want to do PhD now because it will net in more salary and options in future. She said I’d be 30 by the end of PhD (we are same age) and we are getting old. And we laughed it out and shared more bliss reminders.

And here is my theory. I did pretty good ever since breakup. I got over my insecurities, fixed my life. And re-structured my GSI. She had none of that. She obviously tried but she couldn’t get any result. Thus in her mind, she lost the post-breakup competition. (Although she seemed all happy for me) Probably she was expecting me to plead back, and open the convo for reconciliation. But I did no such thing. I wanted to be her friend first, and open the lines of communication thus all my replies were as if I was her old friend from high school. She couldn’t get over that fact that I flipped the switch ever since our last contact. Thus she became obsessive about it. That is why she became completely berserk on social media ever since re-contact occurred. And the reason why she was so much pushing, displaying hot-cold behavior, and borderline trying to make me jealous was she wanted attention from me, the way she would get from a chasing guy. But I didn’t chase. And she changed the script in order to get revenge on me on that. And instagram account was born. She flirted with guys there (one being her new bf), that is why she didn’t follow me back because the reason for that was to just get my attention, not an actual friends relationship. And the desire for a guy combined with trying to be better than me resulted in her new relationship.

Think about this. Who would go in 4 days from super sad and pathetic, to super happy and in new relationship with a stable mind? That is why I say this is rebound and the fact that she is doing things she would normally not do is supporting that claim (facebook, instagram etc.) but I could be wrong.

I’m proud of myself for not chasing. I conciously didn’t want to give her the control again. And didn’t play any of her mind games. Didn’t show jealousy etc. I was definitely mature and full of confidence. But I showed her enough attention when she reached out to me. Especially that midnight texting… It wasn’t ordinary after all that happened. I constantly referred to Relationship Rewind and Kevin’s guidelines during whole this deal and trusted my gut. And I was actually surprised that she got in to new relationship so fast after that. I think coming Feb 14 had something to do with it too.

5

And I didn’t bring up meeting up, not to look like chasing. Maybe I was playing it slow but she was cold, man… Maybe after a full week of texting I would but after seeing that she was acting with her emotions, I stayed away from it and just observed the situation. What are we supposed to talk in person, when she ignores my texts? Lol.

6

I had a bit of fun yesterday.

Since morning the ex has been quite active. What started with “Wish for at least 1000 day relationship” comment turned into “Person and relationship sincerely…” which became around night “I’m like an elementary school kid, I should just change my name to Immature ABC.”

I burst out laughing after seeing that last thing.

Today she changed her profile picture into a picture of the new guy. I’ll be looking forward to what comes next lol. It’s fun to learn new things about the person you spent so much time with, and you realize how little you knew him/her.

7

A bit of update:

I realized I was being drawn into her new relationship, and slightly becoming obsessed about it so I decided to cut the source once and for all.

On saturday I took an action. Unfollowed her on instagram. Left the chat which dated back to since we met (once you leave, you lose all the texts, pics in it so basically no documented memories to hold on to), got rid of whatever reminded me of her on my phone and PC, and hid (but not block) her profile on messaging app.

Once she was playing these mind games at the beginning, I feared it would ruin the peace of mind I achieved ever since NC happened. And she indeed managed to put a crack on my shell. Here I was having vacation and seeing my family after one and a half year, and I was diving into these thoughts and checking her profile now and then. It had to stop.

Jan 31 is the start of real NC. No more her, only me.

8

You seem to be progressing nicely. Good job.

Sorry, I haven’t been on the boards much lately due to being busy. I will make sure I read through some of your updates posted…and future updates and provide some feedback.

Stay strong.

9

Thanks man, I appreciate it.

There will not be any change as far as my life is concerned. I will continue from where I left off, i.e. improving myself and looking ahead. It feels good to know everything is under your control.

10

This girl is a mess, she thrives off of attention.
Obviously she cant handle being alone. You dont need someone like that. And its good that you realzed this on your own. Dont reach out to her for a long long while. Let her knw youre not her crutch.

11

@LilyMoon

Thanks for your input. I really don’t intend to reach out to her at all actually. The ship that is called “Compassion” has long sailed. There were days I’d constantly search recruitment sessions by companies on internet, and think about her and the stress she’s having as she went through these but of course she probably thought I was one indifferent bloke that didn’t care about her. All I wanted in post-NC process was a friendly environment and she wasn’t even into that. 10 years from now, maybe she will remember she dated this guy and realize he was actually too nice to her. Clock still ticks, my heart still beats. That’s the wrap-up.