Hey everyone!
So I just wanted to kind of tell my story and see what you guys think of how I should go on from here. It might be a bit long but if you bear with me I’d really love some input. (:
My boyfriend and I dated for four years before he broke up with me in March. For the last three years we have been in a sort of long distance relationship while we’ve been in college. Our schools are about two hours apart.
So, first, I’ll give a bit of context. This past year, starting at the start of school in September, my ex kept getting more and more distant, not texting me for days and not initiating trips or plans to see me. After a month or two of this, I called him telling him my purpose in our relationship wasn’t to feel like I was making him miserable or force him to talk to/see me so if he wanted to talk or visit from now on, he had to do it or we were done. So I left him alone and killed contact for a few days before he reached out. He then asked some pretty serious questions about the future such as where I saw myself in ten years and what I wanted to be doing. We had multiple discussions about this before he asked if I felt our lives were going in the same direction because he was starting to think they weren’t. After this conversation, he told me he wanted to come up and talk to me about it in person so he came up that weekend. When he got there, however, we didn’t discuss it but talked about some other personal stuff that had been on his mind and we were really connecting the whole night. He told me he didn’t want me to think he wasn’t happy with me, because he was happy, he just had doubts about our lives going in the same direction. We then didn’t talk about it for a few weeks before coming home for winter break.
Our winter break together was awesome. We were inseparable. I could tell he felt so much closer to me after getting that load off his chest and it was great. He was being incredibly romantic, staying over multiple nights in a row, and talking to me openly about the subject of our future as well as other things. I left to go back to school the second week of January thinking we were in a very good place. This trend continued into Valentine’s day and our anniversary, which is in the same weekend. We had a really great time together and nothing seemed wrong.
Then he started getting distant again. After not seeing each other for a few weeks, I decided to go see him for the weekend. Our breakup kind of underwent a series of discussions and that was when he initiated our first breakup talk. At first he said he wasn’t breaking up with me he just wanted to talk about everything he was worrying about so we talked for a really long time but at the end of it he said he thought it would be better if we did break up because he felt like we wanted different things and one or both of us would have to give up too much to stay together. He wants to go into the military and I told him I have absolutely no idea what I want to do yet, I’m still figuring it out. He said he still really cared about me and maybe we could talk about being together again in the future but he wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t think it was for the best. We cried together a little before having some really great breakup sex. The next morning, we had another discussion before we both headed home for the weekend [we’re from the same hometown].
That Sunday, I asked to see him so I could give him a letter I had written for him articulating some thoughts I had about where I thought my life was going and how I didn’t feel as if it separated us. I didn’t use the letter to beg, I just gave him some personal history about me to give him information I had previously kept from him that might help him reconsider. When he read it, he was very affectionate towards me afterward and said it was a very good letter and he wanted to write me one in return.
The next night, I stayed at his apartment and again, he was incredibly affectionate. I offered to stay on the couch and he said no, initiating cuddling and talking happily with me.
After that I went back to school for the week before asking if he wanted to do something that weekend for spring break, articulating it was just so we could let loose and have fun that I wasn’t looking to talk about us or be involved. He said yes so I went over there for a few days. We slept together a few times, each time initiated by him, but by the end of the weekend he was getting distant again so I left. The next day he texted me cancelling plans we had made to go to a baseball game that weekend and I never replied.
Then, I employed no contact for 32 days, during which I started playing guitar and going on a few dates. I was having a lot of fun but I still decided I wanted to mail him a letter. Initially, I was planning to send a text and go through the rest of the 5 step plan like the ones suggested but thought that maybe it was actually more productive for me to move on. However, I still felt like I had no closure so I wrote this letter basically telling him I wanted to say goodbye/get closure, that I felt the breakup was for the best, that I was okay and moving on, had no hard feelings, that I was proud of who he was (he struggles with self-esteem issues where he feels like he’s failing those around him), and that I was thankful for all of the time/memories we had had together. I ended it by saying if he wanted to be friends some day, he could reach out to me and that I wished him all the best. Its been 40 days since I sent the letter (so 72 days since he last talked to me and I initially began NC) and I think I really do want him back. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t even though I’ve moved on, but I do. Even though sometimes he was a poor communicator, we were really happy when we were together and complemented each other’s personalities really well. I’m not sure how I should proceed from here though since I sent a letter basically saying goodbye and more contact at this point might make me seem like a weak hypocrite.
Also, even though I haven’t talked to him and he hasn’t responded to my letter, I have been in contact with his family. His sister and I were close friends so I’ve been in contact with her as well as his mother and grandmother. He hasn’t talked to anyone about the breakup but I’ve discussed it with them. I don’t know if that affects anything in any way.
What do I do? Do I go ahead and text him? Or does the fact that he hasn’t responded to me in any way indicate that I should let it be? He’s never had a way with words and always kind of struggled knowing how to respond to people about emotional issues whereas I’m a very efficient communicator.
Thanks if you read this all the way through! Any insight would be awesome. <3
