Do I email him?

reconciliation
1

Here’s my story.

My ex and I were together for almost 3 years and we have been long distance for most of it. We are both students attending school in different states, we would have been able to be together in one to two years max. We had been pretty good at long distance, it wasn’t the reason why we broke up. Our families live in the same city so other than flying to see each other, we do get to see each other during breaks.

The last few months of our relationship he expressed to me that he felt like I didn’t allow him to be himself and make friends in his new home (he had recently moved). I understood and changed the way I was acting (jealousy, neediness, etc). We met during Christmas and he said he acknowledged that I have changed, but he still feels resentment for how I was and not letting him be himself. He didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. He has a busy semester and said he didn’t want to break up, but he wanted to put the relationship “on hold” until the summer when we had more time to work on our issues.

We talked everyday, but my affection wasn’t really reciprocated and he was clearly distant. I was okay with this temporarily, until one day he hid his relationship status on facebook and denied it when I confronted him about it. I broke up with him because I felt unwanted, but I didn’t want to break up. Even though I broke up with him, it was his decision. I asked if this is what he wanted and he said “it is what it is”. I still love him and he is my best friend, but it was clear to me that he was unhappy and I didn’t want to hold him back any longer.

It’s been a month now since we broke up. I’ve tried doing NC but he has texted me a couple of times and we keep short, friendly conversations. However, now I think he is seeing someone else. I had planned on sending him a long email expressing my feelings about us and how I felt we were a great couple and why I loved him, acknowledge our mistakes in the relationship, accept the breakup, and express that I hope we can remain friends. But now that he’s possibly seeing someone else, I think this will drive him away from me. What should I do?

P.S. We have broken up and gotten back together before.

2

Oh and he is 25 and I am 21.
Also, when I saw him during Christmas he told me he needed to “find himself” and that he had lost who he was because of me. Two weeks after we broke up he mentioned that he has been happier now and making friends. I said to him that I’m really glad that he’s happy, that’s all I wanted for him. I didn’t say this but it really hurts that he said he’s happier without me. :confused:

3

I wouldn’t take what he says to heart being a man, he’s probebly hiding his true feelings. Keep up with no contact if he contacts you just be friendly and as vage as you can. I’m sure with time he’ll be back.

4

Do I send him the email I have written? I wanted to send it, but since we’ve talked a couple of times since we broke up and seemed to be getting along I feel like sending that email will be awkward and will sort of be a setback for our friendship.

5

Not sure what does the email say? Do u want to post it to read and see what I think?

6

I know this email is really long, but it would mean a lot to me if you have the patience to read through it all.

This past month been incredibly difficult for me knowing you and I have potentially an amazing future together. I know what you’re thinking. You’re tired of fighting, you’re tired of trying, and frankly you don’t have the energy to sustain the relationship anymore. It just doesn’t make you happy anymore. I understand. Long distance is hard especially when we’re both in school. I hope you know I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. We had such passion and love for each other it made other people sick. I know in my heart that if we had been physically together we would have been able to work through everything. Your strong, extroverted personality and my compassionate, dependable personality really complement each other. I loved that we are so similar yet so different in many ways.

I find myself thinking about how happy we were when I helped you move. I finally felt at home with you and your family and felt I had a place in your life. I wish I had expressed how badly I wanted you to be happy and how I wanted you to be yourself. I guess it took me a while to realize that nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. Despite the fighting and the distance, I really felt fortunate to have someone like you by my side. I was willing to put the relationship on hold until you were ready to work on it, because for once, I wanted to put your feelings and needs before mine.

I still remember how I felt when we lived together and I remember telling you how I was scared about how fast I was falling for you, and how I’ve never felt so comfortable and at home with someone so fast. But that all started getting lost when we separated and changed who we were. I understand that you don’t feel that way anymore.

Somewhere along the way I think we started to change our values for each other, for example you sacrificing your friendships and social life for me. I never wanted you to lose your true identity for me. I’m truly sorry for that. I know that I didn’t push you to be a better person. I realize that was where I was lacking and I’ve absolutely learned from it. That’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my life. I think it’s important that we both learn to be happy individually, take a step back and reevaluate our lives and determine what is important to us and what makes us happy. I’ve learned never, ever, to lose who you truly are for someone else.

After months of improving myself, I started feeling like I could be that person to encourage you to pursue your dreams and career goals, to go on spontaneous adventures with you, to push you to be your best self, and support you through anything. I thought we would finally be an equal team. But I know my timing was too late, you’ve already built a lot of resentment towards me that you pushed me away and didn’t want me to be that person for you. I know you can’t help what you’re feeling. I’m not angry at you anymore for how you treated me, because you were just being true to your feelings. What we’re both going through is part of life and unfortunately they didn’t sync up very well.

I hope that you have found yourself in your new home and new career and established who you want to be and are happy with it. If you ever find it in your heart that you still want give our relationship another try, I hope that we are both self-aware and happy with our lives individually before starting fresh.

I hope that we can continue being friends, and I hope sending you this email isn’t taking a step back from that. I hope you know I not only fell in love with you but also with your family and I truly value them so much as well. I apologize for this long and probably redundant essay. Don’t worry I’m not going to keep sending you long sentimental messages. I had to get this off my chest, and I’m just trying to find ways to cope. I was hoping I’d find peace of mind if you knew exactly how I’m feeling by sending this. It would make me happy to still have my best friend in my life.

7

Honestly, I would say send it. Then you can say you tried everything and got everything off your chest. I sent one to my ex and she was extremely touched by it and it really helped her think about us again. We’re talking more and she wants us to get back together in time. I think it is a very sweet email and wouldn’t drive him away.

8

Thank you so much Ryan! You’re right. I kind of have nothing to lose at this point. I have already lost him so why not give it a shot I guess. :confused:

9

That’s exactly what I thought too. Might as well go all in for someone you love. Better to regret doing something than wonder “what if”! At first when my ex got it she sent me just a neutral text saying it was very sweet and thoughtful. Then later that night at like 1:00 she texted me and said how much it meant to her and how thought changing it was. So don’t worry if he plays it cool, it probably means more to him than you know.

10

Honestly, I loved reading your email. You expresse yourself really well. Doesn’t come out needy, just really from the heart but still collected. The only thing I would say is maybe talk about something that is going on in your life? Something exciting that he would feel curious about and get a conversation with you. But you know him so you will know if it’s better to keep it like that or not. I don’t know what ryan thinks…

You actually made me think about writting some stuff down that I started thinking while reading your email.

Maybe you guys could share your thoughts on my situation? Both of you? I know its getting a long thread, me and another member are talking about both our situations in my thread. Please take the time to read and tell me what you think, I would really appreciate that https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/

11

Thanks again for the support. You guys can be brutally honest, I won’t be offended if you have any suggestions. I may be good at helping others with their problems but when it comes to my own I’m an emotional wreck haha!

I’ll definitely look at it, Kaila!

12

Wow that’s really emotional, you’ve poured your heart out and been honest. You should be proud. I wish u all the best. That really touched me, I’m even thinking of re-writing my letter.

13

I guess you are going good kate, and inspiring us all :slight_smile: thank you

14

What do u guys think of my letter, it’s only my first draft but now after reading this I might change it.

https://www.forum.exbackpermanently.com/boards/topic/heres-my-letter-what-do-u-think/#post-34301

Let me know what u think pls

15

I’m not sure if he’s seeing someone else. But I have a feeling due to social media. If he is… should I still send it? I’m not sure if this will further push him to this new person.

16

How do u know via social media, sometimes the mind plays tricks on us and we worry and see what we want.

17

You may be right. I suspect he tried making it obvious about the new person in his life when he saw pictures of me going out and “happy”. I could be over analyzing this but there’s definitely a possibility he’s seeing someone given the reason we broke up was because he hid his relationship status on fb and shortly after friending a girl I’ve never heard of and doesn’t go to his school. Then after my pictures were uploaded he started friending her family members. Thought that was a message for me.

He hasn’t explicitly told me though so if I send the email it’s really not my goal to break them up.

18

I think you might be overthinking stuff. Relax let the dust settle and do no contact and reevaluate the situation. How are u today?

19

So should I wait to send this email? I spoke go him a week ago and things were okay he didn’t seem worked up. Then again this is through text…

I’m alright just a little anxious. It’s tough not being able to tell him how I feel. How about yourself?

20

It gets easier but there’s not a moment that go’s by when I don’t think of her. She txt me today but only about final bills on our old flat. She did hope I was ok at the end of the txt though but I’m not reading much into it.

I would wait if I was u, but only u can make that decision. I know it hard and your mind go’s into overdrive. And it will mine still does, but we have to try and keep control of it. I know everyone says the same thing during no contact = work on yourself. It’s true though. Have u been doing no contact?