Difficult situation

no-contact-rule
1

Hey guys! So I’m in a really difficult situation and would love to get some advice. I’m going to try and keep it short.

My wife and I have been together for almost 6 years and have a 4-year-old daughter. We got married last December. But after we came back from our honeymoon, something changed. All in all, the first part of 2017 has been tough, we had some pretty serious arguments.

Last June she told me she had met someone else and wanted to break up. She said I wasn’t paying her enough attention, I wasn’t giving her what she needed, etc., and found this other guy who did. Although, as I said, we had been arguing lately, this came as a shock to me, especially since we’d just gotten married and we were even planning to buy a house together.

Then I kind of talked her into ‘not-breaking-up-yet’ and reconsidering it and for the next couple of months I did everything I could to fix what I had been doing wrong, doing nice things for her, being attentive and even taking her for a trip. All the while she was confused and couldn’t seem to make up his mind, sometimes giving me contradictory messages, like saying she didn’t love me anymore and then, a couple of weeks later, saying that wasn’t completely true and that she still had feelings for me.

Finally, two or three weeks ago, she told me she couldn’t get back with me, that she had tried stopping contact with the other guy but couldn’t do it. So I moved out and went to my mother’s.

Now I’m trying to do No Contact. It’s actually pretty hard because, since we have a daughter, we see each other practically every day (she takes care of her while I’m working and vice versa, that’s always been our arrangement and can’t really change it, for the moment at least). We don’t talk about anything personal and I’m trying oh-so-hard to be cool and upbeat, though I’m having a hard time doing it because I kind of resent her for making what I consider a selfish decision (our daughter is probably suffering the most and she didn’t even take that into account before deciding to break up). Also, I’m quite sure she’s already dating the other guy.

I’m focusing on myself, doing exercise and practicing piano and thinking of all the good things in my life… But again, seeing her every day, it’s kind of difficult not to think of her.

So what do you guys think? Is there any chance of No Contact working in this situation? Is it worth it to insist on this relationship? I would have given up already, if not for her contradictory statements about still having feelings for me and all that…

Sorry for the long post. Thanks!

2

First thing I would say is this comment:

She said I wasn’t paying her enough attention, I wasn’t giving her what she needed, etc., and found this other guy who did

is just terrible. The breakup had nothing to do with you. She went out with another guy. That’s why the relationship ended. And she was married on top of it. If she thought you weren’t providing enough attention, she could have talked it through. Or she could have left without some other guy. Blaming you for the breakup is very disrespectful. And there are kids involved so it is even worse.

So, what do I think? I think no contact is the best solution. You did what you could and even went the extra mile that many people wouldn’t to try and make things work. She’s made a decision and needs to live with it for at least a while here. If she wants to come back, she has to be willing to MAKE IT UP TO YOU somehow. You can’t be her emotional pincushion. At this point, of course it is going to be really hard to not think of her. But you are doing the right thing now and you know it. No contact and work on yourself. If she decides she wants to be with you, you can decide what to do then. But don’t kiss up to her if she decides to come back, she should only get back on your terms. If you just let her back without demanding some changes, you aren’t respecting yourself and she won’t respect you. I wish you the best.

3

Thanks a lot for your reply and kind advice, mr_the_ex.

To be honest, her comment wasn’t out of the blue - she had reproached me several times before for being too self-absorbed and not giving her enough of my attention. All the same, she had a family to think of before making such a drastic decision and it seems that didn’t matter so much to her.

Anyway, it was a relief being able to do some catharsis here. I’ll come back if there’s any changes. Thanks again!